Dear Anita,
Happy Belated Birthday and I am sorry to read your post and I feel for you and totally understand your disconnection with the world as I too feel the same!
My childhood was a lonely one even though I had 3 older sisters and 1 older brother. My mother treated me very unfairly and favoured my siblings to me and was very emotionally abusive to me, telling me I was an adopted child or I was found in a trash can and that she wanted to leave me in Vietnam and wish she did. (I live in the UK now and I was one of the vietnamese boat people in 1979)
I never felt loved as a child which saddens me but it has spurred me on to be a strong person and not need anyone to help me get where i have got in my life. The last few years my marriage has been tough and my life, wrong career choices and feel like I can’t find my way and am lost!
I have done a lot of healing from Reiki and Flower remedies that have helped me release deep issues in my life and old patterns and I have come a long way since last year.
I have had to deal with a lot of anger and have a very short fuse and fly off the handle very quickly and I have worked on that issue and manage to control it better.

Dear Lost,
I feel your pain I really do as I love my husband very much but he has lost his way and unfortunately I have been a target of his pain and resentment for the last 3 years and now I have come to a point where enough is enough and I cannot take anymore as my life has been about him and my marriage and I am ready to have my life about me as it should be.
The hardest thing is that we both want the same things and can’t get there because of his pain.
I hope you find a resolution in your marriage if not then a way to accept and let go what can’t be changed as I have learnt that now I have to let him go if I love him and if it is meant to be then he will find his way back before it is too late – which I hope he does!

Dear Juanita,
I’m sorry you don’t have a support system too and it suck right? It was a hard lesson for me to learn that the only person I can rely on is myself. How screwed up is that! I have confided in a handful of people but when I am at my lowest point of despair I feel that the only person who can resolve it is myself and I know it is hard and sometimes I feel I can’t deal with it at all but I have manage to just let the pain and hurt out in tears and think there is light at the end of the tunnel and what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger as they say. And I am getting stronger but it has taken me a while as I know that there is something bigger and better waiting for me out there and that is what I need to find even if it means going through this heartache of pain!
Yes he does have issues to deal with and we are not on the same page as he refused to see it, and unless he does deal with his issues and demons there will be no more marriage as I have come to the end of this chapter in my life!
We cannot have a trial separation as we both have no where to go apart from our marital home so currently we are living in separate bedrooms as I do not want to share a bed with him, due to the hurt, disrespect he has shown me once again and need to be true to myself.

Dear Jan,
I am so sorry for what you are going through and I would never wish heartache on anyone – Trust me it is the most pain I have felt, the yearning for someone to love and fight for you so much to save your marriage and the life you promised to live with each other forever!
I cannot say I know what you are going through as he has chosen to move on with another women and you have no control or choice in this.
My advice to you is to try and accept what has happened and let him go as you deserve so much better and if someone doesn’t want to be in your life then let them leave! I have tired to hold on to my husband so long and it has been detrimental to myself and my marriage as he has blamed me for controlling him and I have realise I need to let him go to find himself and not blame me for his life no more and take responsibility for his own life and actions!
You will be loved again and thinking you won’t is absurd! You have to value yourself, love yourself and believe in yourself as loving yourself is the most important thing you can ever do and should be the first thing you do!
If you can’t love yourself then how do you expect others to love you? You are worthy of the love you deserve and if you don’t believe that then how do you expect others to see the true you?
Fear is what holds us back and don’t let fear control your life as this is what is stopping you living the life that you deserve and the future that is waiting for you.
A friend once told me I have to let my husband go, so my new husband can find me and thank me for it one day!
I hope I can be a support to you and vice versa and together we can help each other through this heart ache we are going through x

Dear T,
You are 100% right and I thank you for your supporting and kind words! Deep down I know I have the strength as I have always been strong person and when he broke me last year I swore to myself I would never let him break me again and I live to that promise as there are times I have to dig deep and will continue to as I want to be happy! x

Thank you everyone for all your support and only time will tell if my husband will finally wake up and get back on the right path of life with me as I have made it clear to him I have run out of time as I have given all I can give in my marriage for the last 3 years and not willing to give anymore as it takes two people to make a marriage work and I can’t carry the weight of our marriage no more and not willing too as I deserve so much more in my life, a husband that loves me, protects me and be the family unity I want so we can have our own family.

Dear Virginia,
Thank you for your post and you are correct I was focusing on my husband rather than myself and that is what broke me. And I let him take my power and I realised that last year and started to heal myself and focus more on what I want and what I use to like doing when I was young. I started going to a netball class and yoga to meet new people and I am going to a meditation group this Sunday.
I write in a journal my hopes and dreams and also my resentment so I let go of in in more a positive way rather than an angry way.
I have started looking after myself more and doing what I want to do rather than what was best for the marriage as that is what made me feel resentful as I was compromising my true self and lost what I stood for.
Your words have been very helpful and supportive and I like to thank you for your advice and wisdom x

Dear Anita,

Thank you and I have slowly learnt that people who go out there way to hurt others are either jealous or in pain theirselves.
My mother for some reason dislikes me and I have stopped trying and caring to understand why as that is her pain that she has to deal with and how now she no longer has a relationship with her daughter for over 12 years now. She never liked that I was independent and never needed her like my siblings and she is that type of mother that needs to be needed – sad really!
What saddens me is that my dad always use to defend me and the day I fell out with my mum I caught him on a bad day and he defended her and said awful things to me and told me to decide if they were good enough parents for me and if they wasn’t then don’t contact them again and I chose not to as I decided that they and my family caused me more pain in my life than support and I have been much happier without their spiteful words, judgement and negativity in my life.

I spoke to him today and he has told me he wants to get help and fix himself. He wants to go back to marriage counsellor on his own and fix how he is dealing with his anger and lash outs to me. He said he wants to do it for himself and hopefully can find himself again and by fixing the underlying issue with him he hopes it fixes the marriage and can’t promise that it will by hope it does as he is the problem.
I find it hard to believe him as he has told me he is sorry so many times and would do anything to save this marriage and then when he gets angry we go back to square one!
He is one of those men that don’t like to deal with their emotions and rather mask them than have to face them and that is what has got us here in the first place. So it is a big step that he has finally admitted he needs help from someone as he is broke.
The mid life crisis on being in a very stressful job is what led him to broke and he told me he switched a part of himself off as if he didn’t he would of lost the plot and he doesn’t think he has turned that part back on again and he doesn’t want to be a cold, heartless, hurtful person and wants to be his old self again and thinks it is still in him.
He can’t promise anything as he has done that before and he doesn’t have the answers and understand if I don’t want the marriage no more because of what he has done to us and me.
I’m not sure whether to live separate lives and let him deal with his issue and heal on his own and take time out from the marriage as I don’t want to be “sucked” into false hopes again and feel this is a time for me to make a stance and a change for good as I don’t think he ever feels I would leave him and end the marriage once and for all.
Apart of what added to our distance in our marriage was 2 years ago I had enough and I told him I was done and we lived separate lives for 3 months and it added more resentment on both sides.
He says he doesn’t want to lose me but I am finding it hard to believe his words as in the past is actions spoke louder than his words and when I feel we are finally on the mend and moving forward he pulls the rug right out from under my feet.
We have wasted so much time in the last 3 years, not talking, living in separate bedrooms and arguing I don’t want to wast anymore time but I want to protect myself from getting hurt again and want to break this cycle that I have been in for 3 years once and for all.
I am trying to focus on me and finding a job again but I feel like I can’t cope in a job at the moment as I am on a constant emotional rollercoaster.
My career has suffered in this time and all I want is to be in a great job once again as I made a career change a few years back and haven’t found my success in the new career as yet as have come over so many obstacles which has stopped me from reaching my goals.
My main focus is to be myself again, in a good job that I love and enjoy, earning good money once again and being in a happy work environment with great people and feel independent once again and fell like I have my own life again meeting potential new friends.