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Finding it hard to connect

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  • January 7, 2016 at 12:21 am #91653
    Zoejoy
    Participant

    I guess I should start off by saying, after 10 years dealing with on and off depression, I’ve finally beaten it. What a fight but I am so overjoyed that I can put it behind me and move on with my life, and that’s where I find myself now. my depression started when I was young so throughout the years dealing with depression, I lost good friends, isolated, and became socially awkward. At the time, I didn’t even realize what I was doing. The main problem was, around the time I became depressed, I left my friends and the only home I’d known and moved away. I’ve moved twice since then. I found it really hard to make new relationships with people while being depressed and I found that people would judge me and not understand me because of what I was going through. After a few failed attempts at friendships, (making friends and drifting apart or conversing with fake people who told you one thing and meant another) I just gave up and became bitter toward people. Being isolated was the easiest thing for me but I still secretly longed for relationships as we humans are social beings. Now that I’m out of depression, I want to start building relationships but that bad habit of isolation still runs my life. I find myself not even knowing what to say to people. I’ve become very introverted and socially awkward and I don’t know where to start with making friends or even dating. I am 20, it’s time to start thinking about these things. It’s a hard place to find yourself and I hate feeling stuck. I love people dearly, and desire relationships and fun but I’ve been on my own for so long, it’s all I know. Have any of you ever been through a situation like this? Have any advice?

    Zoe

    January 7, 2016 at 4:02 am #91662
    Naima
    Participant

    Hi Zoe,

    First, I’m glad that you’re in a good place now…with regard to your struggle with depression.
    As for struggling to connect…
    One of my goals (1of3) for this year and beyond really, is to establish new and MEANINGFUL relationships, to re-establish past relationships and to strengthen existing ones. Three years ago I moved to a different city to pursue my undergrad. I may as well have fallen off the face of the earth because I lost connection with many(most) of my friends and acquaintances and failed to make many- meaningful- connections with people on campus- I’m fairly reserved and introverted for one- my schedule was also pretty crazy (particularly the last two years) and therefore I didn’t have the time to get involved in many campus activities- which is ideally a good place to meet people. So today I find myself back in my city, new job, and countable friends- two people that talk and meet on the regular- minus my family. So I too feel the need to connect and reconnect with people. I share some of your struggles- like the tendency yourself- I’m an introvert, awkward social situations- approaching people, starting conversations- what do I say? what will they think? what if I’m not interesting enough? etc.

    January 7, 2016 at 4:03 am #91663
    Naima
    Participant

    Cont…
    But I decided that I was going to give it a shot- push past my tendencies and fears- because I would really like to make some new friends. So I’m doing the following: 1) Reading relevant material online- like tips and stuff 2) Reaching out to old friends- I find this less stressful than reaching out to a new person (I’m meeting an old friend for coffee this weekend) 3) Saying hello to colleagues when I come in to work (instead of shuffling past) 4. Practicing my conversation skills with my family. 5) Attending events and starting a conversation with someone (future challenge). My ‘steps’ may seem overwhelming but you can always try those relevant to you. Also I’m being very deliberate about forming new relationships which means PUSHING PAST my TENDENCIES and FEARS- focusing on the present- not dwelling on the past and trying to be less anxious about future outcomes.
    If you don’t mind me asking, what’s your lifestyle like? Are you studying etc?

    Sorry for the extra long post.

    January 7, 2016 at 9:05 am #91673
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Zoe:

    Making friends and dating…. being that you have been feeling so much better lately, after ten years of depression, be careful. These are my thoughts and I type them as I think them: I used to think that once I get healed, once I became “normal” that I will be able to join the normal world, will be able to finally connect. I thought that once I was healed I will be good enough for others to connect with. Wrong thinking on my part! I didn’t know how much sickness is in the world, that I was far, far from being the only one that was sick. There was no bunch of normal, healthy people waiting for me to heal so to join them.

    Be careful who you connect with, see to it the best you can that you are trying to connect to this or that healthy person. See to it that you will not be paying the price of your mental well being so to connect.

    This is exactly how I lost my mental well being: by trying to connect with my mother. I failed at connecting with her AND I lost my well being, the well being I must have had when i was a young child.

    Connections can heal and can make you sick. Be cautious.

    So, my advice is to take it slow. You are twenty, that is okay. I would give you the same advice if your were 15 or 51. Take it slowly, learn as you interact, learn about who that person is that you are interacting with and you will naturally learn more about yourself through the interactions. Pay attention. Be curious.

    anita

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