Home→Forums→Relationships→Finding Inner peace with my breakup
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September 10, 2018 at 11:45 am #225055
JayParticipantIt’s going on 4 months of me trying to get over my breakup…
Just to avoid confusion, I’m a gay male.
Recently I was hired with a company, and in that company is the “someone else” that my ex left me for… He’s way more handsome than I, better at his job than I, everyone in our company loves him, and he’s older than me. It’s been so hard having to see him everyday and not compare myself to him. For the past 4 weeks that I’ve had to work with him and this company, I’ve been doing my hardest to act like its okay… but its really not. I’m not okay. People in the company know about what happened but I don’t think they know that I figured out who my ex left me for. My ex was very secretive about this and so is this “someone else”.
This “someone else” has been really nice to me… Like… SUPER nice to me.. And it’s the weirdest thing… Sometimes I feel like he is only being nice to me to please his own guilt. Sometimes it seems like he even flirts with me… Its bizarre. Like you won?? You got to be with the person I am in love with??… So why are you trying so hard to be my friend?
This is all just a lot… and I’m tired of being so emotional. I’m tired of my ex being on my mind all day. I’ve literally been doing everything they say to do after a breakup. I want to recover, I want to find true self-love/worth so that no one can have this much power over me ever again…
September 10, 2018 at 12:05 pm #225075
PeterParticipantHi Jay
Ouch that is a difficult situation to be in.
Two things I noted.
The tendency to compare ourselves with others is never helpful and a bad habit to get into. If your working in the practice, letting go of such comparisons and learning to love yourself without comparison is a good place to start.
The second thing is the speculation that you can know what another person is thinking, or motives are. You can’t. The rule of charity states that if there are multiple possibility’s behinds someone actions and you cannot be sure which is true, pick the story (it is a story until you confirm it) that is most compassionate. Pick the story that does you the least harm. The other option is to talk to this person and ask them straight out if there is any ulterior motives to their interactions to you. That would take a great deal of courage and understandable if you decide not to, however if you decide not to, again choose the better story and in this way let it go.
September 11, 2018 at 9:37 am #225193
AnonymousGuestDear Jay:
Do you believe then that your ex and this man are having a relationship? The two are secretive, you wrote and co workers know nothing about such a relationship, I understand. So I suppose you have evidence of such?
anita
September 11, 2018 at 8:03 pm #225263JayParticipantYes I do… He calls him up and will facetime with him. I’ve seen multiple social media posts that sort of hint to me that they could be a thing.
As for my coworkers, I’m pretty sure they know they are talking. However, I think everyone (including my ex and his new boyfriend) doesn’t know that I’ve added it up myself.
September 12, 2018 at 6:53 am #225299AnonymousGuestDear Jay:
You have evidence that they communicate but not that they are a couple, or a monogamous couple. I don’t know you have evidence that your ex boyfriend left you for this man. Maybe he did, maybe partly. I don’t know.
The key sentence in your original post is: “For the past 4 weeks that I’ve had to work with him and this company, I’ve been doing my hardest to act like its okay… but its really not. I’m not okay”.
What if you approach your co worker and ask him. He may be stunned by a direct question, so maybe give him some time after asking him if he is your ex’s boyfriend. Tell him no aggression will follow your question or his answer, that you want to know because you are not okay not knowing.
What do you think?
anita
September 14, 2018 at 5:46 am #225673JayParticipantPersonally, I wouldn’t want to bring that sort of drama into the workplace… That’s why I’ve been acting like its okay.
Also.. Did something stupid… I went into his dressing room because I saw he received flowers from someone… Of course, it was from my ex.
September 14, 2018 at 6:13 am #225681AnonymousGuestDear Jay:
That must have hurt. I suppose it is evidence that there is a romantic relationship going on. How do you feel following the flower discovery?
anita
September 14, 2018 at 8:45 am #225693JayParticipantIt hurts…
but in a sense I finally have my confirmation. I’ve had these suspicions about this guy for months. I was constantly going back and forth… “maybe they aren’t together”… “maybe they are”…
At least now I know?… I felt dumb for thinking those thoughts based of the evidence i had before. But now I’m definitely certain that they are a thing…
I just need to find peace with myself in order to be okay with all of this and how it went down.
September 14, 2018 at 11:09 am #225721AnonymousGuestDear Jay:
You weren’t sure then. Now you are. Clarity is a step toward that peace you need. I do hope you reach that peace soon, a bit more every day.
anita
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