Hey Jess,

Wow that’s tough. I read your story and registered at tiny buddha just to reach out to you. Please know that you’re worth all the best of life, just like anybody else. You hang on girl! You have your talent, not only to bring you money, but also as a wonderful means to express your feelings, to make it all clear to yourself and others. Imagine being in this shit and not having any way to let it out of your system! Force yourself to draw without frustration, without expectations, just drawing. It’ll help.

But also, I’m afraid you’re in too deep for yourself or anyone at the forum or even internet to pull you out of your depression. I urge you to seek for professional help. Don’t know your situation and possibilities, but there must be some way to reach a doctor or therapist. The person that prescribed your medication? Hope you didn’t stop them at once, may be dangerous and cause huge ups and downs (mostly the last, I guess..).

Writing here to share your story was a good thing Jess, to know you’re not alone. It’s a great start to realize the size of your problem. Now please take the next step. You can do it, just like we all can. And you are so worth it. With your talents, imagine the amount of support you can give to others once you’re through. Keep that in mind. Hope to see your post soon, about the path you chose. Will you follow up?

Love, Anna

Hi Jess,

I read your post and felt compelled to register and let you know that I can relate to what you are going through. I agree with Anna and David that you should reach out for help and find a doctor you can work with. I am 43 years old, have a wife and a 6 year old. I have been dealing with depression/bi-polar, anxiety, panic attacks since I was in my late teens.

I am still trying to find that career, have been stuck in the same job for 15 years, am underemployed, afraid of change, afraid of getting sick again, have low energy, wish I could stop my medication because it makes me so lethargic. I feel like a failure a lot of the time too. I wish I could be more than I am, I wish I could go back and make different choices, I often fantasize that if I could change my career, change my relationship or win the lottery that I wouldn’t feel like crap so much of the time. I spend far too much time comparing myself to others, I resist this moment and wish I was anywhere but here. Mental Illness is not like cancer, diabetes or any other type of disability. The self-loathing, shame and stigma is the hardest part. What gets me through is helping people who are less fortunate than me, my family, yoga and meditation help too. I am fortunate to have a supportive family. Everyone in my family has dealt with mental illness. Its what we all have in common and we can talk openly about it. I don’t discuss my illness with co-workers or my friends but wish I could.

Try to put one foot in front of the other. Do the basics, try to eat well, get some exercise, talk to family/friends (don’t isolate yourself). Try to do something each day, clean one room, do a load of laundry. When you want to go from A to Z it is overwhelming, just go from A to B and tomorrow go from B to C…

I have wasted so much of my life wishing I could change the past/mistakes. Letting go is hard, but in the end there are no mistakes, Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

It is the illness that makes you feel like a failure, remember that. You have much to offer and nothing lasts forever, you will feel better again, I promise, don’t lose hope

Eric

I, like the others above me also registered on the site to send my reply. A powerful post to make so many people around the world sign up just to reply. As a 37 year old man that is still trying to break away from his families grasp to try and find where I want to ‘start’ my life, I also deal with a lot of the same issues.

In depressed times for myself as well as friends and family I notice that people focus on the bad things in their life instead of on the good – which to a point is good as we need to find a way out of the mess we have possibly put ourselves in – but thinking only about the negative puts us into these extremely depressed states of mind which are hard to come out of. What I try to focus on is my personal strengths and the fact that I’ve gotten out of some sticky situations in the past to try and remain confident that things will come around and I will ‘catch a break’ sometime. (which I believe improves almost any situation on its own) The key is to just keep yourself in a mood where you will be ready to catch that break it when it comes.

Even in your post written at a bad point in your life, it is easy for someone away from the situation to see that you still have a lot of things going for you. Just keep your head up, remind yourself of positive things you’ve gotten through in the past and be ready to make the jump once that next opportunity comes along and instead of trying to compare yourself to others, remind yourself that everyone goes through life at different times, it doesn’t mean the end result will be any worse than any one else’s. Besides, aren’t you artists supposed to have tortured lives? 😉

EDIT: One other thing I wanted to touch on is that there are different ways of judging success in this life. I’ve been on both sides of the coin and there are always troubles whether it being financially or otherwise, but I believe North America puts too much emphasis on finances to deem if someone is successful. I have a university prof brother who makes 6 figures, has the wife and kids and a PhD, but has spent his whole life studying and working and unable to spend more time with his kids. There was another article on this site that touched on this http://dev.tinybuddha.com/blog/where-true-happiness-comes-from-how-we-gain-by-having-less/ . Basically, just because your money is tight and career goals are not where you’d like them to be, don’t let that make you think your whole life is a wash.