Hello everyone, I think I am very aware of my issues and just want to know if anyone out there has similar experiences and if so, how did you guys overcome it.

1. The Context
I am gay and have been with my boyfriend for over a year now. He is definitely not the perfect and ideal partner that everyone wishes to have, but he is alright. My main gripes about him are that he usually doesn’t mean half of the things he said. For example, when we first got together, he said that I was the first person he brought home after moving to the country where I live in. Later, through a slip of the tongue, it turned out that it wasn’t true. He also comes across as insensitive with the things he said, and too logical with his thought process.

I am the opposite. For every single thing I said, I give thought to it and measure the impact of those words on him. So I am very good at filtering my thoughts, for fear of upsetting him. This is further accentuated by the fact that he dislikes talking about relationship issues, and would rather either party deal with it by himself. He hates conflict, and sees any form of discussion about issues to be an argument, which to me is absurd. But because I didn’t want to upset the dynamics, I adapted and tried to resolve my unhappiness by myself.

That said, I do know that he has been trying to be more sensitive and be more open to difficult discussions. That said, we all know that people don’t change much and it takes a very long time to achieve that.

2. The Problem
We clique intellectually. I think that’s why we got together. But we have very different emotional needs. All my mental resources are devoted towards him. I have few friends and don’t usually talk to them unless neccessary. He, on the other hand, needs to chat to people all the time and has been forthcoming about him talking to his ex-es and various other people he used to date. There would be times he would ignore my texts and continue talking to others. That irritates me a lot, because to me, the boyfriend should come first. This trend has become more and more pronounced lately, and I am beginning to wonder if he has lost interest in me. Though whenever we meet in person, things are not like that and we remain affectionate to each other.

But there is a more serious problem. It was triggered by me finding out that he was using a dating app to talk to other gay men. When I confronted him once, he was unapologetic and said that it’s nothing, that he was stressed and needed to talk to someone. It wasn’t until he sensed that I was really upset and ready to leave did he apologise. Yet, true to my observation that he doesn’t mean half of the things he said, I found him on another app just a few days later. I don’t know why I chose to stick with him thereafter, but it happened and that was 8 months ago.

I have been a skeptical and suspicious person. I don’t trust people easily. So you can imagine how emotionally and mentally affected I was after that episode. And since it was difficult to talk about such issues with him, I had to deal with it myself. I did so through revenge, by sleeping with other men. I thought – “Well, since you didnt care about my feelings, neither should I”. But what became an intended one-time encounter evolved into several encounters with other men. Initially, I felt ashamed and guilty. But with each encounter, the shame and guilt reduced, and I was able to talk myself out of it simply because my boyfriend ignored my texts or I didnt feel that he cared about me.

As I said in the beginning, I am very aware of my issues and naturally we all know that something is not right here. I need help. That’s why I came here.

3. My issues
I have been in touch with Buddhist teachings and read extensively about karma and past burden. I know that I have a lot of resentment in me, which was rooted in my relationships with my parents, especially my father. He was a strict man and did not provide me with any emotional support growing up. He would punish me for not being number 1 in class, even though I was number 2. He would throw his temper at home when things didnt go well for him at work. I grew up hating him, grew up needing the love which I could not feel from him.

In school, I was not the popular kid. And somehow, this need transformed into an always-on desire to feel loved. This is why for every relationship/friendship that I had, if I felt that the other party ignored me in any way, I would get upset. I would either be angry, judgemental or angry.

This explains why each time I cheated, I was able to negate the guilt. Because I saw it as “necessary revenge”. But since I know that this is really rooted in resentment accumulated over the years, I cannot really blame anyone. Or can I?

I don’t want to leave my boyfriend. Because despite the flaws, he is a good person. He is currently not doing so well in his life and me leaving would devastate him. Yet, I am constantly struggling everyday, with my trangressions and with years of resentment.

I do not know how to get out of this. And I will never tell him about the trangressions. Unless, of course, Karma takes care of it and he finds out by himself.

I need help. Please help.