HomeâForumsâEmotional MasteryâFeels like Time is passing too fast
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March 11, 2023 at 12:57 am #416092TeeParticipant
Dear SereneWolf,
You havenât updated me about your health in a while. So, tell me the good news?
Still no good news unfortunately⊠I am going to see another doctor and look for other treatment options, because so far I had no relief
Yes, I guess it was one of the reasons I felt more hurt even after reassurance, time and trust it wasnât enough for her.
Yeah, and it might have even led you to believe that she doesnât appreciate you enough, because nothing you said or did managed to convince her to open up to you and change her attitude.
We might even feel bad about ourselves for not being successful in âsavingâ our partner (I donât know if this was the case with you?) Whereas in reality, their rejection doesnât mean that weâre not good enough or not important enough, but it is the consequence of their own internal issues. And thatâs something we canât do much about if they arenât willing to help themselves.
Because I talked to her after a while and I said Iâm seeing a therapist, She was bit more enthusiastic about seeing the therapist again
Oh so she started seeing a therapist after you broke up, then she stopped, but now she started again, after you told her youâre seeing one too?
Okay so just a general question. Suppose we go out and take 10 random people and out of those 10 people what do you think how many would be loving themselves as they should?
Hm⊠hard to say. There was a study in the US, I think, where they said that around 50% of people are securely attached (which would lead to being an emotionally healthy, non-traumatized individual). In other parts of the world, with a more patriarchal society, I am assuming this would be less. I mean, this is just my assumption and I am no expert, so please take this with a grain of salt. But it could be that at least half of the people have some kind of childhood trauma.
But Iâm also thinking itâs could be like similar to comfort zone thing? Because Iâve mostly been with girls who had low-esteem so now I feel just more comfortable with them
Well, you spent 3 years being in a relationship that was very frustrating to you most of the times, but still you say it was a comfort zone. So perhaps being with someone with low self-esteem is still more comfortable than being with someone with healthy self-esteem, whom youâre afraid might judge you?
Or itâs like a attraction thing low self-esteem attracts low-esteem?
Well, I think you had higher self-esteem (at least in some aspects) than the girls you were with so far. So you were the âsaviorâ in the relationship, right? You were trying to fix them and help them. You had less problems than them, so to speak.
And itâs a pretty common dynamic. Weâre often attracted to people whom we think we can âsaveâ, people who are emotionally unavailable or troubled, but we believe we can finally turn them around. That all stems from our childhood and the dynamics with our parentsâŠ
Hmm no, I donât think that way. I believe that weâre dating now because she chose me and I chose her, Thatâs a freedom. I donât care if some guy is trying to steal her from me. If heâs able to steal her from me and actually do then congrats to him but I donât like to compete when it comes to relationships. Iâll be just trying be myself. If she wants to be in, be in, or out, just happily out. For me itâs like if someone one else capable of steal her from me, itâs making my commitment decision easier for like now Iâm sure youâre not the one.
Thatâs actually a healthy attitude. To not force things if she doesnât want to be with you. But you said you still get possessive, even if you donât want to be in a committed relationship (itâs kind of my problem even though It was only a first date I did felt possessive so.. It happened to me a lot of times even though I donât like to be committed I do get possessive quickly).
I guess itâs your protector part that says âIf she doesnât want me, I donât want her either.â But your emotional part (your inner child) attaches quickly to her and wants her all for himself. So the possessive reaction seems like an inner child reflex in you. But the ego part says âno, I am cool if she doesnât want me, I am totally fine aloneâ.
Haha yeah thatâs right. I think nowadays Iâm doing comparison and get jealous even though I donât like it
And what should I do about this superior and inferior thing other than try to see all as equal?
When we feel worthy and valuable as a person, we donât get jealous about the qualities that other people possess. Because no one possess all the gifts and talents in the world â someone is talented in one thing, another person in something else. We are all special and unique in our own way.
So if you feel that she is e.g. more energetic than you, you can appreciate that quality of hers, rather than seeing it a threat, or as something youâre missing. Because youâre happy with your own gifts and talents, you donât feel deprived. Does that make sense?
And another thing: I think you too are pretty energetic and fierce, considering that you started living alone at the age of 16 and all other things youâve achieved in your life. So I think youâre not seeing yourself clearly and are selling yourself short. Again, thatâs the inner critic that gets activated and convinces you that youâre not good enough. So when you start hearing that voice telling you âlook at you, youâre so weak, why arenât you energetic and fierce as herâ, you can tell the inner critic to shut up and back off.
So I think you can do two things against the inferiority complex. One is: appreciate other peopleâs talents and good qualities because theyâre not a threat to you, because you have your own talents and gifts. And secondly, silence the inner critic who wants to make you believe youâre lacking in so many ways, when youâre not.
Iâm at my hometown at my parents place and I did noticed that even though his behavior is better with me. With others heâs till same old narcissistic person who think whatever he thinks is right and others are wrong. I donât know if I should just accept that he canât change or if I should fight for it even more. Because the thing is that he doesnât believe in therapy even a bit.
No, you donât need to try to change him, or encourage him to seek therapy. People like him (similar to my mother) are set in their ways. They donât believe they have a problem either â itâs more like everybody around them has a problem, but not them. Someone who believes thereâs nothing wrong with them and thereâs nothing they should change about themselves wonât be open to therapy either. Trying to get them to go would be futile.
What you can do though is stop him from talking disrespectfully to you (if he still does). Maybe you can sometimes disagree with some of his judgmental comments and remarks that he probably passes around frequently. But donât get into an argument with him. Just express your opinion respectfully, not expecting that he would agree or change his view.
But if you see that thatâs futile too, that he starts arguing and you get drawn into an argument, you can spend less time in his company. Thatâs how you can protect yourself from his critical and judgmental attitudes, even if they arenât directed at you.
March 15, 2023 at 12:02 pm #416329SereneWolfParticipantDear Tee,
Iâve visited my hometown and it was good.
Still no good news unfortunately⊠I am going to see another doctor and look for other treatment options, because so far I had no relief.
Ah I see, Have you already visited another doctor? What did S/he? said? Take care of yourself.
Yeah, and it might have even led you to believe that she doesnât appreciate you enough, because nothing you said or did managed to convince her to open up to you and change her attitude.
Yes Exactly!
We might even feel bad about ourselves for not being successful in âsavingâ our partner (I donât know if this was the case with you?) Whereas in reality, their rejection doesnât mean that weâre not good enough or not important enough, but it is the consequence of their own internal issues. And thatâs something we canât do much about if they arenât willing to help themselves.
Yes I think it was the same with me. Because I did felt like Iâm the responsible for âsavingâ her since I was in the relationship with her so I used to think as her best supporter and a lover itâs my responsibility. Otherwise what am I even doing for this relationship?
Oh so she started seeing a therapist after you broke up, then she stopped, but now she started again, after you told her youâre seeing one too?
Yup
Hm⊠hard to say. There was a study in the US, I think, where they said that around 50% of people are securely attached (which would lead to being an emotionally healthy, non-traumatized individual). In other parts of the world, with a more patriarchal society, I am assuming this would be less. I mean, this is just my assumption and I am no expert, so please take this with a grain of salt. But it could be that at least half of the people have some kind of childhood trauma.
Wow so I think 50% means still thereâs good chance. Although Iâm surprised since US consumes more anti-depressants than any other nation. As per statistics more teens and women.
Well, you spent 3 years being in a relationship that was very frustrating to you most of the times, but still you say it was a comfort zone. So perhaps being with someone with low self-esteem is still more comfortable than being with someone with healthy self-esteem, whom youâre afraid might judge you?
Hmm I donât know if I feel judged, Just not sure since Iâm still not spending enough time with her but yeah I do feel lot different (but not in a bad way)
And yeah she seems pretty upset because I didnât try to contact her while I was in my hometown, and today she told me that she actually texted me âI miss youâ but then deleted because she thought that Iâm not missing her so she shouldnât admit that either. But weâre meeting this weekend so letâs see what happens. and tbh I already feel scared just because she said âI miss youâ
Well, I think you had higher self-esteem (at least in some aspects) than the girls you were with so far. So you were the âsaviorâ in the relationship, right? You were trying to fix them and help them. You had less problems than them, so to speak.
Yes thatâs more accurate from my part.
And itâs a pretty common dynamic. Weâre often attracted to people whom we think we can âsaveâ, people who are emotionally unavailable or troubled, but we believe we can finally turn them around. That all stems from our childhood and the dynamics with our parentsâŠ
Oh I see I didnât know that. So itâs also related to PTSD weâve talked about?
I guess itâs your protector part that says âIf she doesnât want me, I donât want her either.â But your emotional part (your inner child) attaches quickly to her and wants her all for himself. So the possessive reaction seems like an inner child reflex in you. But the ego part says âno, I am cool if she doesnât want me, I am totally fine aloneâ.
Oh yeah it could be like that! Like I said before about duality, What to do about that?
When we feel worthy and valuable as a person, we donât get jealous about the qualities that other people possess. Because no one possess all the gifts and talents in the world â someone is talented in one thing, another person in something else. We are all special and unique in our own way.
So if you feel that she is e.g. more energetic than you, you can appreciate that quality of hers, rather than seeing it a threat, or as something youâre missing. Because youâre happy with your own gifts and talents, you donât feel deprived. Does that make sense?
Yes It does makes sense. And since Iâm practicing more empathy I do see more good qualities that people have around me..
And another thing: I think you too are pretty energetic and fierce, considering that you started living alone at the age of 16 and all other things youâve achieved in your life. So I think youâre not seeing yourself clearly and are selling yourself short. Again, thatâs the inner critic that gets activated and convinces you that youâre not good enough. So when you start hearing that voice telling you âlook at you, youâre so weak, why arenât you energetic and fierce as herâ, you can tell the inner critic to shut up and back off.
Thanks for the reminder! I think even though Iâm getting enough reminders inner critic is still isnât fully silent.
So I think you can do two things against the inferiority complex. One is: appreciate other peopleâs talents and good qualities because theyâre not a threat to you, because you have your own talents and gifts. And secondly, silence the inner critic who wants to make you believe youâre lacking in so many ways, when youâre not.
Thanks Iâll do that. First one isnât seems hard but yeah second one does seem hard
No, you donât need to try to change him, or encourage him to seek therapy. People like him (similar to my mother) are set in their ways. They donât believe they have a problem either â itâs more like everybody around them has a problem, but not them. Someone who believes thereâs nothing wrong with them and thereâs nothing they should change about themselves wonât be open to therapy either. Trying to get them to go would be futile.
Yes exactly! Youâre right if they donât even admit that they have the problem so thereâs not even a question to work on that.
What you can do though is stop him from talking disrespectfully to you (if he still does). Maybe you can sometimes disagree with some of his judgmental comments and remarks that he probably passes around frequently. But donât get into an argument with him. Just express your opinion respectfully, not expecting that he would agree or change his view.
He doesnât talk disrespectfully to me anymore. He talks more calmly to me, Explain things to me.
But if you see that thatâs futile too, that he starts arguing and you get drawn into an argument, you can spend less time in his company. Thatâs how you can protect yourself from his critical and judgmental attitudes, even if they arenât directed at you.
Since Iâm not living with my family I already spend much less time with my father.. and even when Iâm home I mostly spend time with my siblings and mother.
March 16, 2023 at 1:48 am #416348TeeParticipantDear SereneWolf,
Iâve visited my hometown and it was good.
good to read from you again! I am glad you had a good time back home.
Have you already visited another doctor? What did S/he? said? Take care of yourself.
I have, but he wasnât helpful at all⊠so Iâll keep looking. And thanks for your support!
Because I did felt like Iâm the responsible for âsavingâ her since I was in the relationship with her so I used to think as her best supporter and a lover itâs my responsibility. Otherwise what am I even doing for this relationship?
Yeah, supporting each other is a natural thing in a relationship. But if itâs one-sided and youâre âsupportingâ, i.e. trying to heal her all the time, thatâs not healthy. I mean, youâre not her therapist, youâre her boyfriend. It doesnât mean you canât talk about issues, you sure can, but deep emotional wounds can only be healed in therapy, not in a romantic relationship.
Wow so I think 50% means still thereâs good chance. Although Iâm surprised since US consumes more anti-depressants than any other nation. As per statistics more teens and women.
Yeah, the US probably consumes too many antidepressants. But in terms of emotional health, they might still be better than some other parts of the world⊠of course, all those are generalizations, so not really relevant.
And yeah she seems pretty upset because I didnât try to contact her while I was in my hometown, and today she told me that she actually texted me âI miss youâ but then deleted because she thought that Iâm not missing her so she shouldnât admit that either. But weâre meeting this weekend so letâs see what happens. and tbh I already feel scared just because she said âI miss youâ
Okay, I like that she was honest about wanting to text you, but then deleting it. So she showed her vulnerability after all, even if at first she wanted to hide it.
How come you didnât text her at all while you were away? Didnât feel the need, or you stopped yourself because it would have seemed âweak and needyâ?
tbh I already feel scared just because she said âI miss youâ
Right⊠whatâs the first thing that comes to your mind when she says âI miss youâ?
Oh I see I didnât know that. So itâs also related to PTSD weâve talked about?
Yes, we (our inner child) is trying to finally get our distant/unloving parent to love us. Only now itâs not the parent but our romantic partner whom weâre trying to change.
Yes It does makes sense. And since Iâm practicing more empathy I do see more good qualities that people have around me..
Excellent!
First one isnât seems hard but yeah second one does seem hard. I think even though Iâm getting enough reminders inner critic is still isnât fully silent.
Okay, so if the inner critic can still make you believe youâre not good enough, it means that your inner child feels not good enough. And youâd need to tell your inner child that he is precious and talented and lovable, and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with him.
When those thoughts of ânot good enoughâ start popping up in some form, try to be like general Iroh to your inner child and tell him how precious he is. And that whoever tells him differently is a liar and doesnât know a thing!
Oh yeah it could be like that! Like I said before about duality, What to do about that?
Be aware of it. I think the main duality in you is 1) the inner child who is afraid of judgment and believes he is unworthy, and 2) the protector (which is the shield around your heart) who wants to protect your inner child from harm. But he is doing it by wrong means â by shutting down intimacy and vulnerability altogether.
What would need to happen is that you be a good parent to your inner child and assure him that he is worthy (as I described above). And you also assure him that youâll protect him from other peopleâs judgments and mistreatment (by setting boundaries, learning to say No, etc), should there be need for it.
So you, the adult SereneWolf, become the good and healthy protector for your inner child. Like a good father. Thatâs how you can replace this unhealthy, toxic protector, who is the Outer Critic/shield around your heart.
I hope itâs not too messy the way Iâve explained it?
He doesnât talk disrespectfully to me anymore. He talks more calmly to me, Explain things to me.
Good! If he isnât trying to put you down, isnât yelling at you etc, thatâs great.
Since Iâm not living with my family I already spend much less time with my father.. and even when Iâm home I mostly spend time with my siblings and mother.
Thatâs good too. Youâre already minimizing the time spent with him, even during your visits, and instead spend time with those in whose company you feel good and not judgedâŠ
March 17, 2023 at 1:16 pm #416379SereneWolfParticipantDear Tee,
I have, but he wasnât helpful at all⊠so Iâll keep looking. And thanks for your support!
Ah I see, Hope you find a really good doctor that helps for your health much better
Yeah, supporting each other is a natural thing in a relationship. But if itâs one-sided and youâre âsupportingâ, i.e. trying to heal her all the time, thatâs not healthy. I mean, youâre not her therapist, youâre her boyfriend. It doesnât mean you canât talk about issues, you sure can, but deep emotional wounds can only be healed in therapy, not in a romantic relationship.
Yes I knew that well but since she wasnât comfortable opening up with therapist I felt like I should help her much as much as I can. But in result it just emotionally drained me because yeah it was one-sided help. And it sometimes it made me question myself like does it even matter to help people? because at the end of the day theyâre going to do just whatever they want.
Okay, I like that she was honest about wanting to text you, but then deleting it. So she showed her vulnerability after all, even if at first she wanted to hide it.
Yes I do feel bad though. Because in short time sheâs quite vulnerable with me and Iâve disappointed her already.
How come you didnât text her at all while you were away? Didnât feel the need, or you stopped yourself because it would have seemed âweak and needyâ?
Well kind of yeah both reasons I didnât feel the need and when I did feel it I was like letâs not rush sheâs going to text if she wants it, Why should I seem needy first? Thatâs what I was thinking
Right⊠whatâs the first thing that comes to your mind when she says âI miss youâ?
Overthinking and fear I suppose. Like now relationship is gradually getting deeper but soon it will end
Yes, we (our inner child) is trying to finally get our distant/unloving parent to love us. Only now itâs not the parent but our romantic partner whom weâre trying to change.
Hmm I seeâŠ
but we believe we can finally turn them aroundâ
But we actually canât and thatâs what disappoints more. Right?
Okay, so if the inner critic can still make you believe youâre not good enough, it means that your inner child feels not good enough. And youâd need to tell your inner child that he is precious and talented and lovable, and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with him.
I do try to pep talk with him time to time.. but not much frequently
When those thoughts of ânot good enoughâ start popping up in some form, try to be like general Iroh to your inner child and tell him how precious he is. And that whoever tells him differently is a liar and doesnât know a thing!
Youâre right! Iâll try to do that more
Be aware of it. I think the main duality in you is 1) the inner child who is afraid of judgment and believes he is unworthy, and 2) the protector (which is the shield around your heart) who wants to protect your inner child from harm. But he is doing it by wrong means â by shutting down intimacy and vulnerability altogether.
What would need to happen is that you be a good parent to your inner child and assure him that he is worthy (as I described above). And you also assure him that youâll protect him from other peopleâs judgments and mistreatment (by setting boundaries, learning to say No, etc), should there be need for it.
So you, the adult SereneWolf, become the good and healthy protector for your inner child. Like a good father. Thatâs how you can replace this unhealthy, toxic protector, who is the Outer Critic/shield around your heart.
I hope itâs not too messy the way Iâve explained it?
You explained it well. You already noticed the main pain points. And yeah itâs been days I havenât been a good parent to my inner child but feels like work when you already feel emotionally drained you know
Good! If he isnât trying to put you down, isnât yelling at you etc, thatâs great.
Naah he doesnât do that to me. Itâs been a while, he used to do that a lot in past
March 18, 2023 at 12:22 am #416385TeeParticipantDear SereneWolf,
Ah I see, Hope you find a really good doctor that helps for your health much better
thank you!
Yes I knew that well but since she wasnât comfortable opening up with therapist I felt like I should help her much as much as I can. But in result it just emotionally drained me because yeah it was one-sided help.
Yes, it was just you helping her, being like her therapist, which is not an equal relationship. And yes, itâs emotionally draining, specially when you see the same issues come up again and again⊠and nothing changes.
And it sometimes it made me question myself like does it even matter to help people? because at the end of the day theyâre going to do just whatever they want.
Yep.. people who donât want to seek therapy usually donât want to really help themselves. They tend to complain and maybe feel a bit better when you encourage them, but this only lasts for a short while and they slip back quickly into their old patterns. So no real change happens.
Well kind of yeah both reasons I didnât feel the need and when I did feel it I was like letâs not rush sheâs going to text if she wants it, Why should I seem needy first? Thatâs what I was thinking
Yeah, thatâs you not wanting to show neediness and vulnerability. So there was a moment when you did feel like texting her (that was a spontaneous impulse), but then you shut if down, for fear of appearing needy.
Yes I do feel bad though. Because in short time sheâs quite vulnerable with me and Iâve disappointed her already.
Well, your fear got in the way. You can still repair the damage, if youâd want toâŠ
Overthinking and fear I suppose. Like now relationship is gradually getting deeper but soon it will end
What are you telling yourself, i.e. whatâs your internal dialogue, which makes you believe it will soon end?
But we actually canât and thatâs what disappoints more. Right?
Correct! We hope to change our parents, and then we hope to change our emotionally unavailable partners, but we donât succeed. And it leads to disappointment.
Naah he doesnât do that to me. Itâs been a while, he used to do that a lot in past
Good! I am happy you can have a more civil relationship nowâŠ
March 18, 2023 at 7:18 am #416386SereneWolfParticipantOla Tee,
yes, itâs emotionally draining, specially when you see the same issues come up again and again⊠and nothing changes.
Yes Exactly! And that repetition was making me angry a lot but I bottled up my anger.
Yep.. people who donât want to seek therapy usually donât want to really help themselves. They tend to complain and maybe feel a bit better when you encourage them, but this only lasts for a short while and they slip back quickly into their old patterns. So no real change happens.
Yes and Iâve tried but perhaps she had even deeper trust issues than me, so she didnât wanted to share anything with a therapist (Or a stranger as sheâd like to address)
and even for me I donât think moving from old patterns is that easy.Yeah, thatâs you not wanting to show neediness and vulnerability. So there was a moment when you did feel like texting her (that was a spontaneous impulse), but then you shut if down, for fear of appearing needy.
Yes I think so, Also because Iâm kind of bored of texting but if I rethink in person Iâm not that much better. So I guess I just need more âin-personâ practice.
Well, your fear got in the way. You can still repair the damage, if youâd want toâŠ
I did tried it. Iâve tried to encourage for voice notes since itâs time-saving for both of us and also more connecting? And seems like sheâs okay with it.
But yeah sheâs definitely not a person who forgives you easily. I could notice that from her tone of voiceWhat are you telling yourself, i.e. whatâs your internal dialogue, which makes you believe it will soon end?
That Iâm not ready for this and sheâs gonna turn her back anytime.
Correct! We hope to change our parents, and then we hope to change our emotionally unavailable partners, but we donât succeed. And it leads to disappointment.
Hmm so for expectations like this itâs just a perfectionist inside me trying to âfixâ others? So as we talked I still need to work on my acceptance part gradually.
Remember that I told you about the interview? Turns out I didnât got that job. But Now that rejection made me feel like no matter what I want more responsible fully remote position like that. So I started to apply and got more rejections and now I feel even more down
And nowadays Iâm also getting crazy afternoon slumps. Like after 1PM I canât of think anything but eating and sleeping. Iâm taking more than 2-3 hours long naps and then be like oh day is already ended.. So now Iâm mostly finishing my work at late night. Itâs been like a month! So kinda it turned into a habit.
And yeah I also want to go deeper into CTPSD things weâve talked about if you donât mind
March 18, 2023 at 9:50 am #416387TeeParticipantHey SereneWolf
Yes and Iâve tried but perhaps she had even deeper trust issues than me, so she didnât wanted to share anything with a therapist (Or a stranger as sheâd like to address)
Thatâs interesting⊠since therapists are vowed to confidentiality and they are non-judgmental per definition. But some people are like that with authority figures, and maybe a therapist in her mind meant a judgmental authority figure, and it scared her⊠But it could have also been an excuse, because if someone rejects therapy, and hasnât even given it a try, it usually means they donât really want to change in a deeper wayâŠ
Yes I think so, Also because Iâm kind of bored of texting but if I rethink in person Iâm not that much better. So I guess I just need more âin-personâ practice.
Well texting all day (i.e. making it the only way of communication) is tiring, but this would have been more like a check-in text, just to show youâre thinking of her. And since you were at your parentsâ place, you had an excuse why it would have been only a short text
I did tried it. Iâve tried to encourage for voice notes since itâs time-saving for both of us and also more connecting? And seems like sheâs okay with it.
I am not sure itâs more connecting, but itâs a good replacement for texts. If you want more connection, a phone call would be much better, in my opinionâŠ
But yeah sheâs definitely not a person who forgives you easily. I could notice that from her tone of voice
Okay, but she could have texted you too, if she was so keen. So itâs like she expected you to text, and was angry when you didnât, but she hasnât texted you either. She only admitted later that she wanted to, but then deleted it. I mean, I understand she is upset and feels like you donât care, but she could have texted you firstâŠ
That Iâm not ready for this and sheâs gonna turn her back anytime.
Well, your fear is still strong. Thatâs why you rather play it cool and uninterested. Youâre doing the avoidant pattern. And it could lead to breakup with time, specially if she expects a normal level of interest and dedication from the guy. And I guess she does, thatâs why she is so upset. So yeah⊠youâd need to decide what you want. Do you want to challenge your fear, or you want to succumb?
Hmm so for expectations like this itâs just a perfectionist inside me trying to âfixâ others? So as we talked I still need to work on my acceptance part gradually.
The perfectionist likes to fix people whom he sees inferior than him in some way. Itâs more like a defense mechanism, because if you see the person as inferior and in need of fixing, then you feel safe because you feel youâre above them (âbetterâ than them) and therefore, they wonât judge you.
Thinking about your 3-yr long LDR, perhaps the perfectionist in you needed to receive praise and validation from her, because this is something you were missing as a child. But it could be that she didnât give you too much praise and validation, because you said she often sabotaged your meetings, didnât listen to your advice etc?
So I am thinking now that your perfectionist fixer is possibly a reaction to not receiving praise and validation from your parents? And trying to get it now in romantic relationships?
Remember that I told you about the interview? Turns out I didnât got that job. But Now that rejection made me feel like no matter what I want more responsible fully remote position like that. So I started to apply and got more rejections and now I feel even more down
Yeah, I wanted to ask you about that interview⊠sorry you didnât get the job. But then again, at least youâre clear now with what you want: a position with more responsibility, fully remote. How come youâre sticking to fully remote btw? So youâre more flexible with where you live?
And nowadays Iâm also getting crazy afternoon slumps. Like after 1PM I canât of think anything but eating and sleeping. Iâm taking more than 2-3 hours long naps and then be like oh day is already ended.. So now Iâm mostly finishing my work at late night. Itâs been like a month! So kinda it turned into a habit.
Alright, so youâre doing that Mon-Friday, during working hours? Youâre having long naps in the afternoons, and then you need to work late to finish your tasks, right? Perhaps you can introduce a short walk (or even a bike ride) in the afternoon, to freshen you up?
And yeah I also want to go deeper into CTPSD things weâve talked about if you donât mind
Sure, no problemâŠ
March 21, 2023 at 7:46 am #416510SereneWolfParticipantHola Tee,
How are you doing? How was your weekend?
Thatâs interesting⊠since therapists are vowed to confidentiality and they are non-judgmental per definition. But some people are like that with authority figures, and maybe a therapist in her mind meant a judgmental authority figure, and it scared her⊠But it could have also been an excuse, because if someone rejects therapy, and hasnât even given it a try, it usually means they donât really want to change in a deeper wayâŠ
I guess so yeah and I was just worried so much about her healing that I didnât even try to look from different perspective, and I believe after a while my âdrill sergeantâ just started being harsh on her
Well texting all day (i.e. making it the only way of communication) is tiring, but this would have been more like a check-in text, just to show youâre thinking of her. And since you were at your parentsâ place, you had an excuse why it would have been only a short text..
Haha yeah you do have a good point. But when I was at my hometown tbh only thing I really missed was my cat
I am not sure itâs more connecting, but itâs a good replacement for texts. If you want more connection, a phone call would be much better, in my opinionâŠ
We talk on phone call but not that much frequentlyâŠ
Okay, but she could have texted you too, if she was so keen. So itâs like she expected you to text, and was angry when you didnât, but she hasnât texted you either. She only admitted later that she wanted to, but then deleted it. I mean, I understand she is upset and feels like you donât care, but she could have texted you firstâŠ
I know right!?
But I think I know the advantages of physical relationship now. We met this Saturday evening, and her anger was gone. She hugged me with good warmth like she actually missed me. And we did have a good time together. She even cooked for me. but surprising enough I donât feel much scared now because Iâm not overthinking much and like we talked about mindfulness Iâm just trying to enjoy present moments more⊠Because this different kind of feeling makes me feel like Iâm not hard to love then why Iâve been so hard on myself for so long and not being compassionate with myself?
Thereâs good quote from Lord Krishna which I remembered so, Love when you can, Tomorrow isnât promised. so Iâm just reminding myself kind of things like this which could help me for loosen up my heart shield.
Well, your fear is still strong. Thatâs why you rather play it cool and uninterested. Youâre doing the avoidant pattern.
Yes exactly!
And it could lead to breakup with time, specially if she expects a normal level of interest and dedication from the guy. And I guess she does, thatâs why she is so upset. So yeah⊠youâd need to decide what you want. Do you want to challenge your fear, or you want to succumb?
Well I can try to challenge my fear
The perfectionist likes to fix people whom he sees inferior than him in some way. Itâs more like a defense mechanism, because if you see the person as inferior and in need of fixing, then you feel safe because you feel youâre above them (âbetterâ than them) and therefore, they wonât judge you.
Ah right also the reason why I donât feel intimidated around them and not alarmedâŠBut with people âbetter than meâ I do feel intimidated.
Thinking about your 3-yr long LDR, perhaps the perfectionist in you needed to receive praise and validation from her, because this is something you were missing as a child. But it could be that she didnât give you too much praise and validation, because you said she often sabotaged your meetings, didnât listen to your advice etc?
So I am thinking now that your perfectionist fixer is possibly a reaction to not receiving praise and validation from your parents? And trying to get it now in romantic relationships?
I do think so it could be like that even though lot of time she did praised me how Iâm helping her but all I wanted was seeing a real change and actions which she didnât.
Yeah, I wanted to ask you about that interview⊠sorry you didnât get the job. But then again, at least youâre clear now with what you want: a position with more responsibility, fully remote. How come youâre sticking to fully remote btw? So youâre more flexible with where you live?
Yes because of the fully remote job flexibility. I also want to start travelling more because I think connecting with nature is really healing for me and I feel so calm. One of the reasons why Iâm trying so hard.
Alright, so youâre doing that Mon-Friday, during working hours? Youâre having long naps in the afternoons, and then you need to work late to finish your tasks, right? Perhaps you can introduce a short walk (or even a bike ride) in the afternoon, to freshen you up?
Yes during work hours! But Iâve tried what you suggested but now Iâm feeling sleepy at early evening time
Sure, no problemâŠ
Thanks. So Iâm not sure itâs related to CPTSD. But like just last three times in raw I had nightmares about my family members. First night my father getting angry and then my grandfather and I yelling at each other and then next day while taking a nap, my brother which is surprising because weâre very close to each other and it did felt really unpleasant and depressing. I wasnât even able to do meditation properly in the morning.
March 21, 2023 at 1:35 pm #416518TeeParticipantHey SereneWolf,
my weekend was fine, thanks. Still doing the same health-wise, so my leisure time isnât as active as Iâd want it to be, and itâs not a good feeling. I hope things will change for the better, sooner than laterâŠ
I guess so yeah and I was just worried so much about her healing that I didnât even try to look from different perspective, and I believe after a while my âdrill sergeantâ just started being harsh on her
Yeah, you got impatient and started pushing her. She didnât like it, and it was this superior-inferior dynamic, rather than an equal, loving and mutually supportive relationship. But I guess youâve realized by now that this isnât how a relationship should be, and that you shouldnât be the girlâs therapist.
Haha yeah you do have a good point. But when I was at my hometown tbh only thing I really missed was my cat
Uh-oh⊠itâs not good news for the girl then Yeah, you said earlier that you find it easier to bond with animals than with humans⊠If we miss someone, it means we created an attachment (a bond) with them. And I guess since you are afraid of attachment, you donât easily create a bond⊠and so you donât really miss the person either. At least this is how I am understanding itâŠ
But I think I know the advantages of physical relationship now. We met this Saturday evening, and her anger was gone. She hugged me with good warmth like she actually missed me.
She did miss you, because she told you so (she wanted to text you to tell you that, but she deleted it). And she was upset that you didnât text her. So she did miss you indeed⊠I am glad she isnât angry with you anymore!
And we did have a good time together. She even cooked for me. but surprising enough I donât feel much scared now because Iâm not overthinking much and like we talked about mindfulness Iâm just trying to enjoy present moments more⊠Because this different kind of feeling makes me feel like Iâm not hard to love then why Iâve been so hard on myself for so long and not being compassionate with myself?
Great, fantastic that you can enjoy the present moment more, without overthinking too much and being scared. And itâs amazing that youâre realizing you are not hard to love!! Thatâs wonderful, SereneWolf, really a great development!
And I think you know the answer to âwhy have I been so hard on yourself for so longâŠ?â Because of you having being judged and criticized as a child, and developing that harsh inner critic. You were made to believe that you were hard to love, when itâs not true at all. And now, as youâre starting to have more compassion for yourself, youâre starting to feel love for yourself too, and that youâre not hard to love⊠the inner critic is getting weaker, as well as that old programmingâŠ. I am really happy for you!
Thereâs good quote from Lord Krishna which I remembered so, Love when you can, Tomorrow isnât promised. so Iâm just reminding myself kind of things like this which could help me for loosen up my heart shield.
Great! Youâre being mindful and repeating those affirmations, and it helps you stay in the present moment, feeling love, rather than fearâŠ. Wow, amazing! I am proud of you, SereneWolf!
Well I can try to challenge my fear
You are already doing it, with all of the above that youâve described. Youâre on the right track!
Ah right also the reason why I donât feel intimidated around them and not alarmedâŠBut with people âbetter than meâ I do feel intimidated.
Yes, you feel intimidated by those you feel âless thanâ. The goal is to feel âgood enoughâ and worthy always, even if someone is more talented in some areas than youâŠ
I do think so it could be like that even though lot of time she did praised me how Iâm helping her but all I wanted was seeing a real change and actions which she didnât.
Right⊠okay, so perhaps you didnât seek praise and validation so much. You rather wanted âresultsâ, like the drill sergeant wanting results from the novices. It could be that you adopted the persona of your father a little, who was also quite critical and impatient with you. Only you tried to hide your impatience with your ex, while you father didnât temper himself at all, he gave you the full power of his angerâŠ
Yes because of the fully remote job flexibility. I also want to start travelling more because I think connecting with nature is really healing for me and I feel so calm. One of the reasons why Iâm trying so hard.
Okay, wish you luck with finding a good remote job! But while youâre still tied to one place, could you go travel on the weekends and spend time in nature? So reserve the weekends for adventure and âbattery chargingâ?
Yes during work hours! But Iâve tried what you suggested but now Iâm feeling sleepy at early evening time
Well, maybe your job is a little boring? But does it also mean youâre working mostly from home and no need to go to the office?
But like just last three times in raw I had nightmares about my family members. First night my father getting angry and then my grandfather and I yelling at each other and then next day while taking a nap, my brother which is surprising because weâre very close to each other and it did felt really unpleasant and depressing
So you dreamed about your father, grandfather, brother and you all getting angry and yelling at each other? Not at the same time, but first your father got angry with you, and then you and your grandfather had a fight, and than in the next dream you and your brother had a fight, right? It could represent anger as the âmodus operandiâ among the men in your family? And that it affected you as well? I mean, thatâs only my suggestion. What do you think it represents?
March 23, 2023 at 8:07 am #416618SereneWolfParticipantHey Tee,
my weekend was fine, thanks. Still doing the same health-wise, so my leisure time isnât as active as Iâd want it to be, and itâs not a good feeling. I hope things will change for the better, sooner than laterâŠ
Oh I hope youâll be better. You still havenât found a good doctor?
Yeah, you got impatient and started pushing her. She didnât like it, and it was this superior-inferior dynamic, rather than an equal, loving and mutually supportive relationship. But I guess youâve realized by now that this isnât how a relationship should be, and that you shouldnât be the girlâs therapist.
Yup I think Iâve learned my lesson there haha
Uh-oh⊠itâs not good news for the girl then Yeah, you said earlier that you find it easier to bond with animals than with humans⊠If we miss someone, it means we created an attachment (a bond) with them. And I guess since you are afraid of attachment, you donât easily create a bond⊠and so you donât really miss the person either. At least this is how I am understanding itâŠ
Yes, I think youâve explained it well. Also most of the time I have to try to blend in around strangers, Other times Iâm like what these humans are? How I could even be the same as them? Like Iâm some alien
She did miss you, because she told you so (she wanted to text you to tell you that, but she deleted it). And she was upset that you didnât text her. So she did miss you indeed⊠I am glad she isnât angry with you anymore!
Iâm starting to think there are lot of people who have heart full of love and they would love to share their love but it isnât easy. It needs guts to trust on that level and vulnerability. And now Iâm thinking as like peopleâs strength. And she certainly have this strength. For me admitting to someone that I miss them is really hard. Heck I donât even remember when I did that last time.
Great, fantastic that you can enjoy the present moment more, without overthinking too much and being scared. And itâs amazing that youâre realizing you are not hard to love!! Thatâs wonderful, SereneWolf, really a great development!
Thanks! you know realizing this makes the process of loving myself little easier. But it made me think like if I rely on that feeling doesnât it make me dependable? Which is against one of the values that I have. Being self-independent.
And I think you know the answer to âwhy have I been so hard on yourself for so longâŠ?â Because of you having being judged and criticized as a child, and developing that harsh inner critic. You were made to believe that you were hard to love, when itâs not true at all. And now, as youâre starting to have more compassion for yourself, youâre starting to feel love for yourself too, and that youâre not hard to love⊠the inner critic is getting weaker, as well as that old programmingâŠ. I am really happy for you!
I agree and after getting stepped up from these old programming I donât want to step back and just keep rounding for the same things and waste my physical and emotional energy. So Iâll try to spend more time in journaling and convincing my inner child even more. So he doesnât see this as like bowl of water but more like a riverâŠ
Great! Youâre being mindful and repeating those affirmations, and it helps you stay in the present moment, feeling love, rather than fearâŠ. Wow, amazing! I am proud of you, SereneWolf!
Youâve put quite a time and effort on me as well. So thanks to you too. Iâm grateful to have a supportive friend/mentor like you
Yes, you feel intimidated by those you feel âless thanâ. The goal is to feel âgood enoughâ and worthy always, even if someone is more talented in some areas than youâŠ
Yes thatâs something Iâm struggling with⊠I feel like Iâm threatened or challenged
Right⊠okay, so perhaps you didnât seek praise and validation so much. You rather wanted âresultsâ, like the drill sergeant wanting results from the novices. It could be that you adopted the persona of your father a little, who was also quite critical and impatient with you. Only you tried to hide your impatience with your ex, while you father didnât temper himself at all, he gave you the full power of his angerâŠ
Yeah even in work Iâm really result-driven. So youâre right I may have adopted his persona. As Iâve told now Iâm much better at managing my anger and be calm as possible. Because to be honest after I started practicing spirituality nothing seems like a big deal to me.
Okay, wish you luck with finding a good remote job! But while youâre still tied to one place, could you go travel on the weekends and spend time in nature? So reserve the weekends for adventure and âbattery chargingâ?
Thanks for your wishes! And I already do that on weekends. But I want to visit different places every weekends not the same places. But yeah itâs true that even though most of the time Iâm visiting same places now it doesnât bore me because spending time in nature does recharge me so well.
Well, maybe your job is a little boring? But does it also mean youâre working mostly from home and no need to go to the office?
My job isnât boring. Or I guess now it seems boring because I saw more exciting opportunities? haha.. and currently Iâm working on hybrid mode. 2 days office and 3 days from home. They wanted the other way like 3 days from office but I convinced them for 2 days lol
So you dreamed about your father, grandfather, brother and you all getting angry and yelling at each other? Not at the same time, but first your father got angry with you, and then you and your grandfather had a fight, and than in the next dream you and your brother had a fight, right?
Yes!
It could represent anger as the âmodus operandiâ among the men in your family?
Well all 3 are impatient and gets angry real fast soâŠ
And that it affected you as well?
I think for impatient part yeah I guess so
I mean, thatâs only my suggestion. What do you think it represents?Umm Iâm not sure but I still may have fear? Like still if I want to do something crazy I know they wonât stop me but my mind first think like what they would think about me and judge me or something like that
March 25, 2023 at 2:08 am #416657TeeParticipantHi SereneWolf,
Oh I hope youâll be better. You still havenât found a good doctor?
Next week I have an appointment with a new doctor, so I am hopeful but also slightly apprehensive, because Iâve been to several doctors already and no improvement so farâŠ
Yup I think Iâve learned my lesson there haha
Good, thatâs an important lesson!
Also most of the time I have to try to blend in around strangers, Other times Iâm like what these humans are? How I could even be the same as them? Like Iâm some alien
Okay, so you feel very different than others, like youâre some alien. Thatâs probably because your true self wasnât appreciated by your parents or grandparents (or other adults you grew up around). You were constantly judged and criticized for being yourself. So you believe that youâre fundamentally different from other people, which isnât true.
However, you might have developed a defense mechanism that keeps you away from others and makes you fear others, as if theyâre going to harm you. You might be looking at people through that lens, magnifying the differences, seeking imperfections in them etc. This lens, i.e. filter is what actually creates a greater sense of distance between you and others. I think this filter is creating an artificial sense of distance and difference, which in reality doesnât exist.
Iâm starting to think there are lot of people who have heart full of love and they would love to share their love but it isnât easy.
You said is about yourself too (or a friend of yours said it about you, I donât remember anymore?). They said that you have a heart full of love, but are afraid to share it with others. And itâs true. Because you fear others.
It needs guts to trust on that level and vulnerability. And now Iâm thinking as like peopleâs strength.
Yes, vulnerability is actually a strength. There is a famous TED talk on vulnerability by Brene Brown. It describes how she, who was someone who feared vulnerability, discovered the importance of vulnerability, by studying hundreds and thousands of happy people. She discovered that vulnerability is actually a prerequisite for happiness. You can enter âBrene Brown vulnerability TED talkâ in youtube search and youâll find it. Really powerful stuff.
And she certainly have this strength. For me admitting to someone that I miss them is really hard. Heck I donât even remember when I did that last time.
Itâs good that she has this strength! Because she wonât be playing games with you. She will tell you what bothers her and what she would like from you.
But I want to add something here: try not to compare yourself now and think âoh she has this strength and I donât. I am so much worse than herâ (which would be your inner critic). Rather, try to appreciate her for her ability to be vulnerable. You too will develop this strength, and youâre on a path to do that. Because frankly, till recently you thought it was a weakness, and a part of you still thinks itâs a weakness. So it will take some time to change the old habits and beliefs.
Thanks! you know realizing this makes the process of loving myself little easier. But it made me think like if I rely on that feeling doesnât it make me dependable? Which is against one of the values that I have. Being self-independent.
Youâre welcome, you are making a great progress! Actually, we humans are social creatures, and weâre meant to be interdependent, not independent. I mean, weâre not meant to be emotionally self-sufficient (if there is such a word). Weâre not meant to be in a relationship with only ourselves, and not to be bonded to anyone. Being independent is good up to a point. But if you want to be emotionally independent and self-sufficient, thatâs already a defense mechanism.
I agree and after getting stepped up from these old programming I donât want to step back and just keep rounding for the same things and waste my physical and emotional energy. So Iâll try to spend more time in journaling and convincing my inner child even more. So he doesnât see this as like bowl of water but more like a riverâŠ
So last time you said youâre starting to feel that youâre not hard to love. Which is fantastic! Just keep doing that, keep affirming that to yourself.
The other part of the problem might be that in a relationship, you feel trapped, like a fish in a bowl of water. And I think it could be because you see the other person as a threat. As very different than you. As judging you. As wanting to control you and suppress your true self.
You probably see the other person as your father, and itâs threatening your freedom, and you want to run away. You want to be free, like a fish in the river. You ran away from home, because of this feeling of being trapped. And now you want to apply the same coping strategy to your romantic relationships: run away, be free from âthreatâ. Would you say itâs true?
Youâve put quite a time and effort on me as well. So thanks to you too. Iâm grateful to have a supportive friend/mentor like you
Youâre welcome, itâs a pleasure to talk to you and help you on your pathâŠ
Yeah even in work Iâm really result-driven. So youâre right I may have adopted his persona. As Iâve told now Iâm much better at managing my anger and be calm as possible. Because to be honest after I started practicing spirituality nothing seems like a big deal to me.
Good that youâre aware of this drill-sergeant persona and are learning how to keep it at bay!
But I want to visit different places every weekends not the same places. But yeah itâs true that even though most of the time Iâm visiting same places now it doesnât bore me because spending time in nature does recharge me so well.
Yeah, I find that visiting the same places in nature â the places that I like and enjoy â is totally okay, because they recharge me. And they are never the same, really, there is always something different to appreciateâŠ
My job isnât boring. Or I guess now it seems boring because I saw more exciting opportunities? haha.. and currently Iâm working on hybrid mode. 2 days office and 3 days from home. They wanted the other way like 3 days from office but I convinced them for 2 days lol
Glad your job isnât boring. Then I guess simply spending time at home, comfortably seated in front of your computer, and being alone, naturally makes the person want to take a nap If you were in the office, you would need to control yourself better, but like this, itâs easier to just doze off⊠So if you want to avoid afternoon slumps, I guess one solution would be to work from the office more frequently
Umm Iâm not sure but I still may have fear? Like still if I want to do something crazy I know they wonât stop me but my mind first think like what they would think about me and judge me or something like that
Okay, so youâre still afraid of their judgment? Both your fatherâs, grandfatherâs and your brotherâs judgment as well? Btw whatâs that âsomething crazyâ that youâd want to do, but are reluctant to (if itâs not too much to ask)?
March 26, 2023 at 11:43 am #416778SereneWolfParticipantHi Tee,
Next week I have an appointment with a new doctor, so I am hopeful but also slightly apprehensive, because Iâve been to several doctors already and no improvement so farâŠ
Oh I see, I can understand but who knows maybe this one can give you much better results? So be hopeful. Update me when you do give a visit though.
Okay, so you feel very different than others, like youâre some alien. Thatâs probably because your true self wasnât appreciated by your parents or grandparents (or other adults you grew up around). You were constantly judged and criticized for being yourself. So you believe that youâre fundamentally different from other people, which isnât true.
However, you might have developed a defense mechanism that keeps you away from others and makes you fear others, as if theyâre going to harm you. You might be looking at people through that lens, magnifying the differences, seeking imperfections in them etc. This lens, i.e. filter is what actually creates a greater sense of distance between you and others. I think this filter is creating an artificial sense of distance and difference, which in reality doesnât exist.
Hmm thatâs right. Is that could the same reason I canât spend longer time around the crowds? Because it just drains my energyâŠ
You said is about yourself too (or a friend of yours said it about you, I donât remember anymore?). They said that you have a heart full of love, but are afraid to share it with others. And itâs true. Because you fear others.
Ah yeah my friend told me about this for myself. But yeah I agree there is fear
Yes, vulnerability is actually a strength. There is a famous TED talk on vulnerability by Brene Brown. It describes how she, who was someone who feared vulnerability, discovered the importance of vulnerability, by studying hundreds and thousands of happy people. She discovered that vulnerability is actually a prerequisite for happiness. You can enter âBrene Brown vulnerability TED talkâ in youtube search and youâll find it. Really powerful stuff.
Thanks for sharing Iâll watch the video. Turns out it was already on my watchlist but I still havenât watched it. Still lot of articles left to read as well. Donât know where the time is going lol
Itâs good that she has this strength! Because she wonât be playing games with you. She will tell you what bothers her and what she would like from you.
Hmm I hope so⊠She seems quite sensitive
But I want to add something here: try not to compare yourself now and think âoh she has this strength and I donât. I am so much worse than herâ (which would be your inner critic). Rather, try to appreciate her for her ability to be vulnerable. You too will develop this strength, and youâre on a path to do that. Because frankly, till recently you thought it was a weakness, and a part of you still thinks itâs a weakness. So it will take some time to change the old habits and beliefs.
Oh yeah youâre right Iâm not comparing and I am aware that Iâm capable for cultivating good emotional patterns for myself (Or at least Iâm trying)
Youâre welcome, you are making a great progress! Actually, we humans are social creatures, and weâre meant to be interdependent, not independent. I mean, weâre not meant to be emotionally self-sufficient (if there is such a word). Weâre not meant to be in a relationship with only ourselves, and not to be bonded to anyone. Being independent is good up to a point. But if you want to be emotionally independent and self-sufficient, thatâs already a defense mechanism.
Wow! So this challenged me for lot of things that Iâve consumed in reading and watching over the years. And kind of really challenging for my old belief. But If you have any recommendations for articles or videos or just you want to explain by yourself you can elaborate more this with me. Because I do understand what you mean but I donât have clear picture just for meta thinking with myself you know
The other part of the problem might be that in a relationship, you feel trapped, like a fish in a bowl of water. And I think it could be because you see the other person as a threat. As very different than you. As judging you. As wanting to control you and suppress your true self.
Yes exactly I do feel trapped one of the reasons Iâm scared for commitment. But mainly for controlling because their actions would affect me a lot emotionally. Like if my partner is anxious or sad it affects me directly.
You probably see the other person as your father, and itâs threatening your freedom, and you want to run away. You want to be free, like a fish in the river. You ran away from home, because of this feeling of being trapped. And now you want to apply the same coping strategy to your romantic relationships: run away, be free from âthreatâ. Would you say itâs true?
I donât know if I see other person as my father because then I believe I wouldnât even want spend lot of time with.. I donât know how to explain properly but yeah I guess Iâm running away because that feeling. But there are other reasons as well. Like Itâs my curiosity so Iâm just striving for exploring more and novelty so I donât feel like Iâm missing out..
Youâre welcome, itâs a pleasure to talk to you and help you on your pathâŠ
Haha Iâm glad. Currently what kind of emotional patterns that youâre working on?
Yeah, I find that visiting the same places in nature â the places that I like and enjoy â is totally okay, because they recharge me. And they are never the same, really, there is always something different to appreciateâŠ
Totally agree and sometimes it kind of gives me solutions out of nowhere have you experienced it before?
Glad your job isnât boring. Then I guess simply spending time at home, comfortably seated in front of your computer, and being alone, naturally makes the person want to take a nap If you were in the office, you would need to control yourself better, but like this, itâs easier to just doze off⊠So if you want to avoid afternoon slumps, I guess one solution would be to work from the office more frequently
Haha I donât think thatâs a good idea since being around with lot of people for a while takes up my energy a lot. Heck even if itâs just a single person and if I donât like spending time with him/her it just drains me. Same goes for outside work as well. But Iâm aware as for my position I do have to learn to overcome this challenge.
Okay, so youâre still afraid of their judgment? Both your fatherâs, grandfatherâs and your brotherâs judgment as well? Btw whatâs that âsomething crazyâ that youâd want to do, but are reluctant to (if itâs not too much to ask)?
Hmm so Iâm thinking about getting a tattoo. And my grandfather is always saying ânot niceâ things about getting tattoos so whenever I think about getting a tattoo for few minutes I do feel good and think about ideas and etc and after that I overthink what would my grandfather say? Sure he wouldnât like it.. same for my father.
And actually a while ago I stopped this kind of thinking what others or even my own family is thinking about me but I think Iâm kind of back to this
March 29, 2023 at 9:42 am #416845TeeParticipantHi SereneWolf,
Hmm thatâs right. Is that could the same reason I canât spend longer time around the crowds? Because it just drains my energyâŠ
Yes, definitely. I mean, a part of the problem could be that youâre an introvert and you donât feel good in large crowds (I am like that too!). But a part of the problem could be that you see people as different, and yourself as alien, and this might contribute to feeling trapped or endangered in some way.
Hmm I hope so⊠She seems quite sensitive
In what sense? Can you give me an example?
Oh yeah youâre right Iâm not comparing and I am aware that Iâm capable for cultivating good emotional patterns for myself (Or at least Iâm trying)
Great! At least youâre aware what to watch out for, and even if you start comparing yourself with others, you can recognize it as an inner critic mechanism, and know that itâs a lie, itâs an illusion, not reality.
Wow! So this challenged me for lot of things that Iâve consumed in reading and watching over the years. And kind of really challenging for my old belief. But If you have any recommendations for articles or videos or just you want to explain by yourself you can elaborate more this with me. Because I do understand what you mean but I donât have clear picture just for meta thinking with myself you know
Well, this term âemotional self-sufficiencyâ just kind of came to me, I havenât read it anywhere. I did look it up now and it has both positive and negative connotations. But what I meant is that we are wired for connection (Henry Cloudâs video âWhy itâs important to stay connectedâ talks about it. I mentioned it a while ago and I think you watched it).
Healthy relationships are good for our health and well-being. For example, married men live longer. And for women, those women live longer who have a network of supportive friendships. So emotional giving and receiving is very important. In that sense I said that emotional self-sufficiency isnât a good thing: itâs not good if we donât have emotional exchange and connection with anyone. And if we guard ourselves from it.
It doesnât mean we should be needy and clingy. Someone who is alone can be happy and fulfilled too. But someone who is emotionally healthy will not guard themselves from emotional closeness with safe and supportive people. Because thatâs what makes our life richer and more enjoyableâŠ
Yes exactly I do feel trapped one of the reasons Iâm scared for commitment. But mainly for controlling because their actions would affect me a lot emotionally. Like if my partner is anxious or sad it affects me directly.
So youâre afraid you wouldnât know how to react if your partner is sad or anxious?
I donât know if I see other person as my father because then I believe I wouldnât even want spend lot of time with.. I donât know how to explain properly but yeah I guess Iâm running away because that feeling.
I guess youâre filtering out the very strict and judgmental types automatically â youâre not attracted to that type of girls. I mean, your current girlfriend is self-confident, but sheâs probably not judgmental like your father, so it doesnât trigger the escape reflex immediately?
But there are other reasons as well. Like Itâs my curiosity so Iâm just striving for exploring more and novelty so I donât feel like Iâm missing out..
I think thatâs just an excuse. Because there are girls who like traveling and exploring similarly like you. Maybe girls wouldnât appreciate some reckless feats, if thatâs what youâre into. But definitely there are adventurous types out there, with whom you wouldnât need to miss out on anything.
Haha Iâm glad. Currently what kind of emotional patterns that youâre working on?
Staying positive and optimistic in spite of persistent health problems and chronic painâŠ.
Totally agree and sometimes it kind of gives me solutions out of nowhere have you experienced it before?
Absolutely yes. Itâs when our rational mind is not in the forefront, and weâre in touch with our senses and our intuition⊠thatâs when the best ideas comeâŠ
Haha I donât think thatâs a good idea since being around with lot of people for a while takes up my energy a lot. Heck even if itâs just a single person and if I donât like spending time with him/her it just drains me. Same goes for outside work as well.
Maybe this is same problem that you were talking about above â you donât like crowds because they drain your energy? But maybe it can be applied to certain people too â they drain your energy and you donât know how to protect yourself from that?
As for not falling asleep in the afternoon, how about watching some of those videos on your watch list? (Turns out it was already on my watchlist but I still havenât watched it.) Because for me, such videos (not all, but with good presenters) can be quite captivating and not something Iâd doze off with
Hmm so Iâm thinking about getting a tattoo. And my grandfather is always saying ânot niceâ things about getting tattoos so whenever I think about getting a tattoo for few minutes I do feel good and think about ideas and etc and after that I overthink what would my grandfather say? Sure he wouldnât like it.. same for my father.
I see⊠well, how big of a tattoo are you planning? If itâs huge and sort of âin your faceâ, it might not be good from a business perspective either â if you want to present yourself as a solid business person. But if itâs something more discrete, itâs very common nowadays and not a big deal. And if it would make you happy, why notâŠ
March 31, 2023 at 7:49 am #416868SereneWolfParticipantHi Tee,
Yes, definitely. I mean, a part of the problem could be that youâre an introvert and you donât feel good in large crowds (I am like that too!). But a part of the problem could be that you see people as different, and yourself as alien, and this might contribute to feeling trapped or endangered in some way.
Well yeah youâre right and thatâs why these days I do try to socialize more. (As an experiment) Thatâs why I noticed that and I told you⊠Iâm just too much comfortable with my own company but I do need to get out of my comfort zone without draining my energy. And Iâm an ambivert.
In what sense? Can you give me an example?
Like for me Iâm not much emotionally expressive. Or like I just donât get surprised with lot of human behaviour or things. I find it really normal. But her she like really emotionally expressive like a high school girl who feels too much you know
Great! At least youâre aware what to watch out for, and even if you start comparing yourself with others, you can recognize it as an inner critic mechanism, and know that itâs a lie, itâs an illusion, not reality.
Yes! And before there was time where I used to just blindly believe everything my inner critical voice told me because I didnât know the difference between my own self and inner critical voice.
Well, this term âemotional self-sufficiencyâ just kind of came to me, I havenât read it anywhere. I did look it up now and it has both positive and negative connotations. But what I meant is that we are wired for connection (Henry Cloudâs video âWhy itâs important to stay connectedâ talks about it. I mentioned it a while ago and I think you watched it).
I see but this term is pretty self-explanatory so I get it, And Yes Iâve watched the video and I told you that Iâm mostly between good connection to no connection back and forth
Healthy relationships are good for our health and well-being. For example, married men live longer. And for women, those women live longer who have a network of supportive friendships. So emotional giving and receiving is very important. In that sense I said that emotional self-sufficiency isnât a good thing: itâs not good if we donât have emotional exchange and connection with anyone. And if we guard ourselves from it.
It doesnât mean we should be needy and clingy. Someone who is alone can be happy and fulfilled too. But someone who is emotionally healthy will not guard themselves from emotional closeness with safe and supportive people. Because thatâs what makes our life richer and more enjoyableâŠ
Hmm I see so you mean there should be a good balance right?
So youâre afraid you wouldnât know how to react if your partner is sad or anxious?
I mean I know what to do but I just overreact in those particular situations and try to make them in better state ASAP otherwise I feel anxious as well.
I guess youâre filtering out the very strict and judgmental types automatically â youâre not attracted to that type of girls. I mean, your current girlfriend is self-confident, but sheâs probably not judgmental like your father, so it doesnât trigger the escape reflex immediately?
Haha I donât remember Iâve been with any strict and judgmental type girl even as female or male friend. Creating the good supportive circle you know?
But I think that possibility of turn this into something else is just scaring me like what If I like her more with time? Or what if I feel bored with her after some time? And like what if she is not on the same page as me? So questions like this as well her different but confident persona is something I feelâŠI think thatâs just an excuse. Because there are girls who like traveling and exploring similarly like you. Maybe girls wouldnât appreciate some reckless feats, if thatâs what youâre into. But definitely there are adventurous types out there, with whom you wouldnât need to miss out on anything.
Well yeah I know but because I still havenât met those types girls much itâs just my old belief I guess
Staying positive and optimistic in spite of persistent health problems and chronic painâŠ.
Inner and outer youâre dealing with both of these things which isnât easy at all. Iâm proud of you and I hope you progress better and healthier way with that.
Absolutely yes. Itâs when our rational mind is not in the forefront, and weâre in touch with our senses and our intuition⊠thatâs when the best ideas comeâŠ
Yup. I love it!
Maybe this is same problem that you were talking about above â you donât like crowds because they drain your energy? But maybe it can be applied to certain people too â they drain your energy and you donât know how to protect yourself from that?
Yes exactly and I donât know how to protect myself from that for sure!
As for not falling asleep in the afternoon, how about watching some of those videos on your watch list? (Turns out it was already on my watchlist but I still havenât watched it.) Because for me, such videos (not all, but with good presenters) can be quite captivating and not something Iâd doze off with.
I agree! And turns out I already watched that video and when we were talking about implementing new things for fresher employees. Video was one of the reason for that idea! Also it made me think deeper about vulnerability as well as empathy. And how important connection is⊠But another thing I liked about the video is the storytelling. As a Leader I think itâs really important skill to cultivate.
I see⊠well, how big of a tattoo are you planning? If itâs huge and sort of âin your faceâ, it might not be good from a business perspective either â if you want to present yourself as a solid business person. But if itâs something more discrete, itâs very common nowadays and not a big deal. And if it would make you happy, why notâŠ
Haha Nothing that shows too much. Like not on the face or neck. But l prefer around the shoulder, back, hands, biceps and maybe chest. But yeah mostly desecrate. Yeah I know itâs normal nowadays but there are two things. One judgment from my family and another thing is that gaining enough weight so tattoos look much better. Have you got any tattoos though?
April 2, 2023 at 7:48 am #416897TeeParticipantHi SereneWolf,
Well yeah youâre right and thatâs why these days I do try to socialize more. (As an experiment) Thatâs why I noticed that and I told you⊠Iâm just too much comfortable with my own company but I do need to get out of my comfort zone without draining my energy. And Iâm an ambivert.
Definitely itâs a good experiment to try to socialize more and see how you feel about people⊠if you still feel theyâre very different and you feel like an alien? I had to look up what an ambivert meansâŠit seems like a balanced type, best of both worlds.
Like for me Iâm not much emotionally expressive. Or like I just donât get surprised with lot of human behaviour or things. I find it really normal. But her she like really emotionally expressive like a high school girl who feels too much you know
Are you saying that she gets upset by something (some human behavior), and this same behavior doesnât affect you that much? Or she gets super excited about something, and youâre like âmeh, nothing specialâ?
Yes! And before there was time where I used to just blindly believe everything my inner critical voice told me because I didnât know the difference between my own self and inner critical voice.
Great that you now know the difference and donât believe everything your inner critic is telling you!
And Yes Iâve watched the video and I told you that Iâm mostly between good connection to no connection back and forth
And there was also a bad connection, Iâd say, during your LDR. Because that relationship was mostly frustrating for you, right?
Hmm I see so you mean there should be a good balance right?
Yes, for example we should love ourselves and feel lovable, without needing to get love from someone else. Or we shouldnât feel helpless like a child and wait for someone else to fix our problems. I think those are examples of emotional self-sufficiency.
I mean I know what to do but I just overreact in those particular situations and try to make them in better state ASAP otherwise I feel anxious as well.
Yeah, youâd probably like to fix the problem ASAP and make them stop (crying, or being upset or whatever). Whereas the best thing you can do is to simply listen and show empathy. You donât need to fix anything, and your partner doesnât even want it, in most cases. They only want empathy and understanding (remember that short video about the nail in the head? )
Haha I donât remember Iâve been with any strict and judgmental type girl even as female or male friend. Creating the good supportive circle you know?
Oh I see⊠youâre filtering all critical and unsupportive people from your life⊠cool! good strategy!
But I think that possibility of turn this into something else is just scaring me like what If I like her more with time?
Okay, so you can ask yourself: what if I like her more with time? Whatâs the worst thing that can happen?
Or what if I feel bored with her after some time? And like what if she is not on the same page as me?
Okay, you can ask yourself: what if I feel bored over time? What would I do? What are the options I have?
So questions like this as well her different but confident persona is something I feelâŠ
She is different than the usual type youâre attracted to (insecure, low self-esteem). I think thatâs whatâs scary because you canât apply the usual tactics of your outer critic, which would be to see her as inferior and imperfect (which would then serve as an excuse to distance yourself from her). The inner critic is trying to sabotage you, by telling you you are worse than her in some respects. But nowadays youâre watching for the inner critic and youâre not believing everything it says. So the inner critic isnât managing to sabotage the relationship so easily eitherâŠ
But something in you (hint: the inner child) is still afraid, and so youâre coming up with these what-if questions, which serve the same purpose: to sabotage the relationship. My suggestion is to notice that too: that these what-if hypothetical questions serve the same purpose, and so not to give too much weight to them. If you want to try to push through the fear some moreâŠ
Inner and outer youâre dealing with both of these things which isnât easy at all. Iâm proud of you and I hope you progress better and healthier way with that
Thank you! Yes, itâs hard when it gets physical, when itâs your body that aches and there is no escape from pain. I feel that I could much more easily deal with emotional pain than with physical pain. Because I canât just think about it differently, so that it doesnât cause pain any more. Although I think I can still be telling myself a positive, optimistic story, or I can be telling myself a negative, hopeless story (like that Iâll never get better). And that too makes a difference⊠But itâs hard, thereâs no doubt about itâŠ
Yes exactly and I donât know how to protect myself from that for sure!
Whatâs the worst kind of behavior that you feel you canât protect yourself from?
Haha Nothing that shows too much. Like not on the face or neck. But l prefer around the shoulder, back, hands, biceps and maybe chest. But yeah mostly desecrate. Yeah I know itâs normal nowadays but there are two things. One judgment from my family and another thing is that gaining enough weight so tattoos look much better. Have you got any tattoos though?
No, I donât have any tattoos. Not my style, and besides, Iâve got many birthmarks, so Iâd worry about damaging those. So no, no tattoos for me
If you worry about how the tattoo will look, Iâd choose a spot which doesnât depend on your muscular mass. So somewhere where it always looks the same, regardless of how fit you are
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