Marie,

I’m sorry for your suffering and negative self talk, and know how difficult it can be when it seems we are at odds with our mind. Sometimes when we get stuck making comparisons between ourselves and others, the mind naturally responds in such a way. Don’t despair dear sister, because not only is there an end to the self talk, but you are far more beautiful than you realize. This isn’t a platitude, its a piece you’re overlooking that came to heart as soon as I read your words.

Consider that perhaps what is happening is that you’re seeing everyone’s beauty. Men, women, children… as they come into your view, you see how magical and radiant they are. Because of the low self image you have, it turns into this inferiority feeling. That’s OK, that is something we can address. However, it is actually a jewel you have in your heart and mind, dear sister, to see goodness and beauty in those around you.

The knot which transforms that beauty into inferiority is the ignorance of the subjective nature of beauty. Said differently, there is no “thing” out there that represents perfect and true beauty. For instance, if you can feel inferior to blonds, brunettes and redheads, obviously not one shade and hue of hair is “right”. If you can feel inferior to a man, a woman and a child, then no age or gender coild be “right”. Perhaps when you see a person, notice how beautiful they are, notice how different they are from you, the differences between yourself and them feels like it decreases your status. Said differently, perhaps you are open to their beauty, appreciate their sparkliness, and instead of compassion you feel envy. This naturally erodes as you make more space in your heart to simply let their beauty be something you can appreciate without the comparison.

The real magic is how it happens inside you with almost everyone. I know from your side of the maze, that it may seem disorienting… because now everyone sparks the icky feeling. But it also means you’re seeing their beauty. That can’t be stressed enough, because many of our brothers and sisters spend their time judging and disparaging our family. It took me years to find and grow what you have naturally!

For this inferiority feeling, let’s dig a little deeper. Consider that each one of us has a unique path to find, a harmony of genetic and environmental factors to understand and grow within. This inherently means that each one of us, from the size, shape and color of our bodies to the social and scientific information in our brains, exists as a blank canvas for our will to work with. Each of these factors can become a source of appreciative joy, as we let the conditions around and within us become the brushes we use to shift and sway with the world around us. Said differently, the reason what you have is such a jewel is because as you settle your envy/inferiority, when you look out at the people around you, the perceptions which have been fueling that icky feeling will become wonder, curiosity and joy. Consider that if you were well fueled, such as having a positive self image, this beauty you see in others will be magnificent for you.

From another angle, consider envisioning a beautiful sunrise. The crispness of the air, the way light and color streak across the sky, the gentle buzz of life awakening from its slumber. How beautiful! Now imagine an actress you envy. Her graceful flowing hair, round curves, social activism, penetrating eyes, radiant smile. How beautiful! But, they are also completely different… yet both can produce and connect to the sense of beauty inside us. The same happens for me when I add you to the exercise. My dear sister, with her open eyes seeing beauty all around her, seeking a path of inner peace and stability, growing day by day. How beautiful! Do you see? The beauty is in us! Its in our openness and appreciation of the qualities and conditions we’re seeing, not in the hair or the sun or the growth or the boobs or the abs or whatever. Like a sunrise, each of us is similar, completely different in the manifesting conditions, and beautiful to anyone who stops and lets us in.

For me, resting in this view, in this understanding, removes all envy and let’s my beauty and the beauty that surrounds me flow deep into my heart. Then its actually kind of funny… I hope others see my beauty for their sake… much like I hope they stop to take in a sunrise now and then, because what magic this world can be when we open to it!

With warmth,
Matt

Rachel,

Well spoken and well said! The only concern is that when we simply switch our perception of beauty from external to internal (such as wisdom instead of hair) then we’re only playing a comparison shell game. What happens when we meet someone that seems wiser or smarter? To drop the game, we can switch from status oriented beauty to uniquness oriented beauty… seeing that each expression of internal and external qualities are a true and unique set of conditions. We can let them arise without judgment… just seeing them for what is really there.

Then comparisons become silly, as if the wonder of a sunset can compare to the wonder of a Buddha or a movie star or a mother. Each moment, person or experience is just too different and unique for comparisons to make any sense. Said differently, when we are in a mental maze, we can drop the maze instead of looking for an exit. We drop the comparison, rather than looking for a thing that makes us a beauty. Then, as compassion blossoms, the conditions for perceptions of “ugly” simply dont arise. How could they?

I agree that an unfortunate byproduct of our envy is we either like ourselves less, or wish misfortune onto others. Namaste, sis.

With warmth,
Matt

Matt, thanks for your beautiful insight. I have read few of your pieces in this forum for advice and your simplified wisdom just amazes me. Where did your personal growth come from ? Have you written any articles on this site that I can read ? Thanks and you are a blessing for all of us who are still getting there to your level of simplicity and inner happiness.

Dear Matt,

I would like to give you an honorary peace award for your dedication towards helping me and so many Tiny Buddha community members find their way through this forum.

I could never thank you enough for all the support and words of wisdom you have given me. I have copied and pasted your responses so that I can have them as a reference – weeks, months and years from now. They are like receiving a reassurance from the universe that everything’s going to be okay. A comforting hand on my shoulder. 🙂

A deep bow of gratitude towards you, Matt! THANK YOU!

This is a beautiful reply. I really feel as though it has dislodged something in me. Thank you so much.

Thank you Anita 😃