Neighbor,

I’m very sorry for the tough times you’ve been experiencing. Sometimes life can seem to push us around, preventing us from living our dream… and your story is heart-wrenching. I sat with your story, asked the universe to help us get to the bottom of this, and a few things came to heart. Don’t despair, there is always a path to joy!

Sometimes it can be very difficult to let go. We’re told from a very young age that we have to push push push to get what we want out of life, and so we do just that. We envision a path for ourselves, and then start our search… where are the keys, where are the locks… where is the job… where is my happiness… where is my contentment.

This can lead us into imbalance, because as we look to the horizon, we lose our connection to the vibrancy and beauty that is all around us. For instance, with the job interview, it seems as though a few things get stuck in your head that absorb your attention. The first is perhaps the people interviewing might be seen as the gatekeepers of your future… your happiness. They sit in judgment of your value, and so the mind scrambles around attempting to find that value and present it to them. This is very draining, because we don’t really do our best when we are rooted in the mind.

Instead, what we can do is remain rooted in the heart, which then uses the mind as its tool. The mind dissects, the heart connects. Instead of seeing gatekeepers, we do better to envision them as brothers and sisters, struggling toward a common goal. You know how well you do when your fear settles, and that your energy is highly valuable, and so when you’re shaking hands with an interviewer, it isn’t “please hire me” but rather “what might we build together”.

Now, this is easy to say here, and envision outside the actual process of interviewing. But when it counts, it tends to slip away! Darn it! However, we can use our information about what has been happening to shift the way we work with our mind and body, so that we become more stable and rooted. This is what allows our inner voice to come through. Said differently, when we have a good grasp on how our mind and body work, we can minimize the distractions and bolster our creative spirit.

This requires a bit of training, and works well in a two-fold strategy. The first is sitting meditation, and the second is metta practice. Sitting meditation develops a spaciousness of mind, so that when some fear arises, instead of feeling sucked into the fear and racing thoughts, it happens like a buzzing bee in a big garden. “Oh, hi fears, go play with some flowers, I have some tending to do over here.” Metta practice is what will strengthen the view of the “other” (such as the interviewer) as a sibling rather than a gatekeeper. Metta is a pali word for loving-kindness, and is sometimes referred to as the warmth and nobility that is in the heart. It is unselfish, rather recognizes that we have the ability to help ourselves and others grow a loving and satisfying path… and through our efforts, that is our steadfast intention.

Ajahn Jayasaro is one of my favorite YouTube teachers, and has a lot of great videos. Specifically, a “counting breath” meditation and “metta”. Feel free to have a search for those and see how his words resonate with you. There are also guided meditations all over YouTube, as well as local Buddhist centers or sanghas which offer free and low cost help in establishing healthy meditation techniques.

Another thing that came to mind is the process of manifesting our dreams. Our inner and outer environments work in harmony with one another, bringing lessons and opportunities each day. Sometimes when we envision something very specific, we are thinking about that dream and miss the breadcrumbs that lead us down the path of creating that dream. It reminds me of a story about a man drowning and praying to God for help. A boat comes along, and he says “no thanks, I’m waiting for God.” He drowns, gets up to heaven and says “why didn’t you save me?” To which God says “ummm.. I sent you a boat.”

To put this in practical terms, consider writing down your dreams and then letting them go. Accept that you want the items you’ve written, or something even more fulfilling. Then let them go, such as a seed implanted into soil. As you let the visions fade from your head, you bring your attention back into the body, into your senses, and say “OK, what is here now? What needs tending in this moment? What is my heart calling me to do with what I am seeing and hearing and smelling?” Then do that, follow the inspiration. This is how we nourish the dream. If our mind is agitated, we breathe. If our armpits stink, we bathe. If we’re feeling disconnected, we go walk in nature. If we’re hungry, we eat. This attunes us to our body, which is the instrument the universe uses to pour water and shine light on the dream.

Take heart, because what I see is someone much closer to contentment than she believes, and deeper than she knows is possible. These obstacles become our fuel, the motivation and method through which we find our voice and our freedom. Namaste, distant sister!

With warmth,
Matt

Although I’m not in exactly the same situation, some of the feelings you are having really struck a chord with me. I’m a military wife, 38, moving around, my career (which i’m also good at) isn’t portable, so I don’t work much. I got accepted into grad school, got a teaching assistant position and 3 days later we were told we were moving… I do not have kids- it’s not that I don’t want them, but I just feel too old to start all of that right now in my life. We are on our way to move again- we don’t even have a dog because we keep moving and the added stress and expense of a dog seems overwhelming.

Anyway, all of that said, what we have in common is the fear of dreaming, since things that are important to us just don’t seem to be working out. What do we do now? Stop dreaming? Find other dreams that aren’t really truly our heart’s desires? I don’t have the answer. I am learning to be happy in the moment and thankful for things that are good in my life. I actually have a lot of what I wanted, even though it just doesn’t look like what I want.

I have 5, yes FIVE, pregnant friends right now. Although I’m not exactly in the same boat as you, I can assure you that I feel no less isolated and alone than you likely feel. I wonder if anyone else is like me (choosing not to have children because of age, lifestyle, social issues)? I have spent a lot of time in the last months wondering, second guessing, feeling frustrated and anxious about not having children… I have some skills that can help with these feelings, so they don’t overwhelm me anymore, but I still struggle.

I’m wondering, have you ever read or watched the documentary “The Secret”? This book/idea was BIG some years back, and I wasn’t really interested, but seeing that it was available on netflix I watched it not long about and it really gave me some insight about how my feelings are affecting what is (or isn’t) happening in my life. Even if you don’t totally subscribe to the science/spirituality behind it, I think it’s a great concept to learn to put things from the negative into the positive. For example, if you keep hoping that the police won’t pull you over, are you actually willing that to happen. Instead, learn how to put your wishes into the positive!

I wish you the best and I’m glad that you are trying to figure things out.