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Feeling very confused

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  • May 19, 2014 at 6:01 am #56537
    Angie
    Participant

    I am a 50 year old, married 30+ years and in the last 6 months have been having a long distance “relationship” with my ex from high school. It began very innocently when he contacted me about helping an elderly family member in my area. (its my career)

    Once he called, he kept calling or texting me, saying some things I needed to hear. Ive been in a marriage that has been all about my spouses never ending illnesses for many years. In the last year he has spent numerous times in the hospital, much to his own fault because he wont do what he should do to get a better grip on whats ailing him. (COPD/still smokes; CHF/overweight; Diabetes/ eats crap and drinks pop; etc)

    My ex contacting me came at a time when I was so overwhelmed and lonely. The problem is that deep down I know this isnt going anywhere but I have fallen so hard. I cant go a day without texting him. He has visited home on 2 occasions and we have had numerous physical relations while he was here. (my spouse is unable to have sexual relations due to all his health issues and 30+ meds) NOt just the sex but the company was amaziong, we laugh, we talk, we have a great friendship and always have. It just never eveloved into THIS until now.

    I dream about him, I rewind our time together in my head all the time.

    I know deep down, even tho he tells me otherwise, that my ex likely has a girlfriend or sees other women. He says all the right things to me but I still feel theres something hes not telling me. Its really none of my business, seeing that I am married and have no right to worry about whether the person im having an affair with is involved or not. But it hurts even thinking that.

    I have grabbed onto this relationship with all I have because I am so unhappy but dont have the heart to walk out on my marriage after 30+ years, especially because my spouse is sick. Yet, I know my life is going to be nothing more than working all the time, and watching my spouse NOT take care of himself, focus on his illnesses all the time and be a sexless marriage forever. When I write that I think this is so unfair to me to live this way. My spouse sees so many docters, always complains about this or that with his health. If its not his breathing, its his heart, its his water retention, its his lungs, its his fatigue….or hes asleep in front of the tv.

    If I left my husband I know 100% that nothing permanent will happen with my ex cause he lives 500 miles away and is settled. Im settled. Part of me would love to be on my own, independent and not be a caregiver to someone who doesnt take care of themself. I even have a sibling who is a psychologist tell me it its time to walk away (he doesnt know about my affair) because I am living with a selfish unmotivated person who has shot my self esteem and put me last and I have allowed it to happen. I just feel so bad because isnt marriage suppose to be in sickness and in health? I am just so confused. I love my husband but more as a friend love than anything because we have been together so long, and we enjoy our 3 grandkids so much! I would hate to do this to them as well. (see, I always put everyone else ahead of myself)

    This affair has probably saved me from falling into a deep depression. Yet it has also driven me to be almost obsessed with this guy.
    He says all the right things, we get along great, yet I just know it would never lead to anything because he and I are so different and, live so far away.

    I know I need to just walk away from this affair. It causes me so much anxiety yet when I think about NOT having that person in my corner, those little texts like “Good Morning beautiful”, I know just how lonely my life will be. Back to my old life of being a frustrated caregiver. No sex, noone making me feel beautiful, no laughter like I have had, no intimacy, no making me smile.

    Do I cut this guy off? Do I hang onto this long distance friendship/affair? DO i walk away frm this marraige and be on my own? I have a great job, I can support myself, altho I know ill get hell from my spouse and his family if I walk away, especially now.

    Either way I feel like I lose. Any advice would help!

    May 19, 2014 at 6:19 am #56538
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Hi Angie

    Either way, you are going to win if you look at things from my perspective.

    What does Angie want ? Truly want ? If you had only few more years to live, what would you want to do starting today ? Just do that.

    I am sorry for the suffering that your husband is going through. Look, we all make choices in life. Sometimes, we make choices without understanding their consequences. Good choices often do us good and bad choices = bad consequences. He is going through suffering for what he created at some stage. Unfortunately, he didn’t know any better than and he doesn’t know any better now. But you do ! You want happiness, you want peace and most importantly, you want love. There is nothing wrong with those wants.

    What is really important is that you can live with your decisions without fear, guilt, resentment or anger. Can you do that ? Do you feel Angie is worth enough to demand love, respect and care just like anyone else? If yes, your decision is made and it will bring you loads of positivity. If your decisions fill you up with negativity, then you are on the wrong path.

    Ask your higher self for guidance. I am sure you will be led to the right path soon enough.

    Sending you courage, compassion and loads of positive energy.

    Jasmine

    May 19, 2014 at 10:01 am #56551
    ZenHorse
    Participant

    Angie –

    Have you made any promises to your husband that you would not cheat on him? If so, you aren’t doing the right thing carrying on in the relationship with your ex. If you haven’t made any specific promises or agreements regarding other relationships than you should do what you feel is best for you. Understandably being in a sexless marriage is no fun, and listening to complaints doesn’t make the day any better either; however, the suffering for both you and your husband can stop – today, right now. You can choose to stop suffering as it truly is optional. We choose to suffer, to mull, to stew. It takes just as much energy to move our thoughts into a positive motion. Instead of “Ugh, he’s drinking soda again?” Think, “That’s his choice, I choose to continue to love him, I am not attached to changing him or making him be the person I want him to be. I choose to love him exactly as he is.” If you don’t love him, or choose to love him, then it is perhaps time for you to part from your husband – but if you choose to love him, then stop being attached to him being any certain way. Choosing to love means choosing every part of the person, that doesn’t mean you need to accept any consequences on your partner’s behalf, it can mean putting your arm out and holding distance while continuing to choose love. We can never demand love from another, it just doesn’t work that way – we can accept a person’s love when they choose to love us.

    It seems as though you are also suffering due to the relationship with your ex as well. The thoughts, the texts, the longing….all suffering, the short term reactions might feel good, but the morning you don’t receive the text that says “Good morning beautiful” – how will it feel? Will it be agony and wondering until you hear something, know something? Suffering – it’s optional.

    If I were in your situation I would think about my agreements and promises made. Think about the type of suffering I am enduring, and opt for a life of concious, logical decisions not based on emotions and I would stop having any attachment to the way things should be – rather create positivity and light with every word, every action and every thought.

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 7 months ago by ZenHorse.
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