Home→Forums→Tough Times→Feeling VERY alone
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November 3, 2016 at 1:09 pm #119575MRWParticipant
Hello all,
I’m hoping for some feedback here…I feel utterly alone in my life.
A little background: I am married (second time around) with two teenage (17 and 15) children that live with their dad (because he’s more lenient than I) and hold both a full and part time job.
I feel disconnected from my husband because he seems to want no emotional distractions that take him out of the head space he says he needs to properly run his business. My kids don’t like my second husband, so there isn’t a lot of time spent with them, either. My full time job is decidedly boring and unfulfilling – I spend most of my days surfing the web or playing Minesweeper and surrounded by people that don’t seem to care if I’m here or not. My part time job is retail, so that should be self-explanatory – lol
I keep my own council around my husband so he isn’t distracted – which leaves me carrying all the emotional strain from a job I hate and the typical drama that’s brought about by two children in mid to late adolescence. I started looking for a new job, but I’m not convinced I can find one that pays what I earn now given my skill sets. I can’t afford to take a lower paying job because I have several thousand dollars of medical debt that I’m paying down (hence the part time job.)
I feel amazingly trapped. A part of me says I should take the leap of vulnerability and open up to my husband. Then on the heels of that thought are the fears that I won’t be heard and/or I’ll be told my ideas aren’t quite right. Think of the stray cat that tries to take food offered by a human only to have that person yank the food away. I’ve tried in the past and been “bitten” so many times that it’s almost impossible to share anything with my husband.
So that’s about as brief a summary as I can provide and still transmit the essence of where I’m at right now.
All thoughts are appreciated!
November 3, 2016 at 4:16 pm #119578YoonaParticipantHi,
Thank you for being so open and vulnerable about how you are feeling. That takes a lot of courage so I commend you for that.
I’m sorry to hear that you are feeling so alone. There are a few thoughts that came to my mind after reading your post.
I hope something might help.1. It sounds like at this point in your life, it’s a little hard to find meaning in your daily life. I wonder if this is a good opportunity to look within for a while and figure out what you might want from life from this point forward. It sounds like you’re life has been pretty busy for a lot of your life with raising kids and work and maybe you haven’t had time to sort out these important questions for yourself.
It might be a good time to explore through reflection, reading, and maybe joining groups?2. It seems like a major part of feeling lonely is the lack of meaningful communication with your husband.
I wonder if some couples counselling or taking time aside to be together might help?All the best,
Yoona
November 3, 2016 at 5:58 pm #119579PearlaParticipantHello
I am sorry to read about how you are feeling. I stumble across your post and it reminded me that being alone is just that no matter how many people you have around you.
I’m in my 50s, live alone, no pets, good health. I have been job hunting without success for nearly 2 years. My kids are living their own lives, the only friends I had were from my previous job. Days go by where I haven’t communicated with anyone. I have always been a loner and can make friends but find people hard work at times. Men come and go. However, there has been no one for nearly 10 years – I just cant trust them. I would love to have a good man in my life but I cant see that ever happening.
The love and friendship I have stored up inside me feels like a heavy weight inside my chest, sometimes it overspills on to my kids and I guess I become overbearing, I see it in their faces and it take every bit of strength to not show the pain when they get fed up with me, or make a comment or roll their eyes. All the things I use to do to make sure I stayed happy or just sane, dont seem to work anymore. From positive thinking, smiling and being nice to strangers, art and walking, today I forced myself to go for a walk around the park, but it just made me feel sadder and lonelier than ever.
Some days I just get up put on the tv and just sit there.
I know I am depressed and I should try a little, talking to strangers on helplines just makes me feel worst, I can tell their on a timer, just like the doctor.
I wonder how much more of this I can take.
Please dont be offended but appreciate your husband, enjoy you job you have more than you think.November 4, 2016 at 7:43 am #119599MRWParticipantYoona – yes, I have been looking inward and reading – A LOT – over the last year and a half. I haven’t joined any groups because I’m not sure where I’d best fit in. I started out not really having a great sense of “who I am” plus strong feelings of worthlessness, and some depression & anxiety. While I’m still not there, it’s gotten a little better. I’m learning about who I am, I don’t feel nearly as worthless, and I’m no longer on my antidepressants. So, as Pearla said, I *do* have more than I think. Pearla – I am going to think on your words and see if maybe I can come up with something helpful for you, too.
I would be really happy if my kids didn’t dislike my new husband so much. If you are familiar with Myers Briggs, he’s an INTP, which can be a difficult type to get along with. I identify as an INFP so, on the surface, my husband and I *should* be compatible. It’s this matter of vulnerability (for me) that seems to get in the way. I believe my biggest contribution to my current situation is simply not having the trust/faith in NOT being hurt if I open up to my husband. I believe he truly cares about me and wants me in his life. That is all tempered, greatly, by his ability to be overly logical at times (a MAJOR characteristic of an INTP) and treat certain issues quite coldly. I think it was Einstein that defined insanity as, “Doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.” This is where I feel I am with my husband. I’m tired of getting the “same results” and so I have withdrawn from him.
My ex and I did some couples counseling before divorcing, so I feel pretty good about taking the lessons learned there and applying them in this new marriage. It all seems to come back to the vulnerability/trust issue. My husband and I had a bit of discussion last night and nothing was really resolved, but some honesty about how I’m feeling was able to be conveyed and vice-versa. The jury is basically still out as to whether or not “we” will continue moving forward.
Thank you, Yoona and Pearla, for replying. I was half expecting no feedback at all.
November 4, 2016 at 8:06 am #119602MorvenParticipantHi bandesmom,
I am sorry to hear that you are feeling so alone. I think Yoona gave some great advice. The advice that I have – and this is purely physical type action stuff, is the following:
1. Meetup.com – it is a great website where you can join or even start meet ups in your area. There are coffee groups, book clubs, meditation groups etc. It can be great if you are looking to join some other like minded folk. You can also start a group.
2. Reading – You may well have read some or all of these, but when I was in the midst of divorce I found these books particularly helpful ‘The Yamas and The Niyamas’ by Deborah Adele, ‘Zen Flesh, Zen Bones’, and Pema Chodron’s ‘Fail Again, Fail Better’ and ‘Start Where you Are.’
3. And lastly, and again you may have already tried these; start a new hobby, both for yourself, but perhaps also with your husband. Archery, Book Club, Yoga, Rock Climbing, Knitting. Whatever. Find something you can do with him, that you both can enjoy and connect over, so that new channels of communication can be opened, and find something you love just for you. Maybe it scares you, but it might also be exciting and fulfilling.
I know these are straightforward ‘practical’ type things, but sometimes it can help to make a list, and find some grounding.
Good luck, and I hope you feel less alone soon!
November 4, 2016 at 8:08 am #119604MRWParticipantPearla,
I think you ultimately nailed it on the head when you said, “I know I am depressed and I should try a little…” I have lived MANY of my years in a minor depressive state. Not wanting to deal with the world, shoving my head in the sand to avoid it all. It’s been the hardest thing for me to realize and begin to accept that I am worthy and have value. It took lots of tears and much gnashing of teeth to come through, but it’s happening. As cliched and trite as it is to say this, YOU are the only one who can help you. Your children can’t. Former co-workers can’t. Men can’t. It’s got to be you, and you alone, that affects the beginning of the change.
You also say, “The love and friendship I have stored up inside me feels like a heavy weight inside my chest…” have you thought about volunteering at an animal shelter? Animals seem to have a way of helping us humans because they accept our love and friendship – especially dogs. There may even be an animal that you specifically identify with upon hearing the story of how it came to be at the shelter. If nothing else, perhaps giving what you have to offer to a creature that can offer little to nothing in return (in a material way, at least) will help dissipate the weight you feel.
B and E’s Mom
November 4, 2016 at 8:19 am #119609MRWParticipantMorven13,
Thank you for your comments. I am a practical person at heart, so YAY!!!!
I have used Meetup.com before, and the reminder is appreciated 😉
I have not read the particular titles you mention, so they’re probably worth considering!!
Joint activities that my husband and I can do together is a great idea. I think there needs to be some resolution to whether or not we are even going to move forward together, first. If I can’t be vulnerable then, in my opinion, everything else is a way to avoid the elephant in the room. If we can sort things out, then this option is totally viable 🙂
B and E’s Mom
November 4, 2016 at 8:31 am #119613MishikaParticipantHi,
Hope you will feel better after reading this
As you mentioned you got married the second time. I am sure you took this decision because you weren’t happy with your first relationship. And so I am sure when you have taken this decision to marry again you must have really liked your present husband so you took this big step of marrying again.
So I would suggest if he is busy with his work right now you must support him by not complaining to him for he is not able to give you enough time. And the reason why you are feeling lonely is because you are not enjoying your work. So i understand that you would not suddenly just leave your job because you need money to pay bills and thats fair enough but you also shouldn’t stop searching for another job as you are clearly not happy with your present job so theres o point sticking to that job until you find another job.
Major problem would be solved once you will find a work that interest you because then you would not feel lonely because you would not have enough time to feel lonely.
And yes you must discuss everything with your husband for whatever you are feeling forgetting what happened in past and if he still beats you and not discuss your problems with you then you have two have options either find some work that keeps you so busy that you just give him his space and do your work while having fun and not feeling lonely or if you still feel trapped with him then i think you need to reconsider your relationship with him.
Thanks
I hope this helps 🙂November 4, 2016 at 8:38 am #119614MRWParticipantMishika,
Thank you for your comments. As it turns out, I have an interview for a different job next week. I applied to something thinking I wouldn’t hear a word and they called me this morning. And, as you say, if I’m busy at work I won’t have time to feel lonely and do nothing but think about the stuff going on at home.
B and E’s Mom
November 4, 2016 at 8:45 am #119616MishikaParticipantYes,
Hope you get this job and enjoy working so much that you doesn’t get a time to feel lonely and it would turn out that your husband would need your time
wish you luck 🙂November 4, 2016 at 11:31 am #119632PearlaParticipantBandesmom
Thanks for the feedback.
Yes, no one can help me but me and deep down I know it is just one step at a time. You reminded me that there was a worst type of lonliness and that is when you are with someone who makes you feel that way – my childrens father made me feel that way. At least now I am free to do what needs to be done.
I am looking at doing voluntary work, its time to get away from myself.
Good luck with your interview and all the best
PearlaNovember 4, 2016 at 7:11 pm #119641AnonymousGuestDear B and E’s Mom:
If B and E don’t like your husband
And you can’t open up to him because he “bites” you (the verb you used)
And you have to work two jobs
… doesn’t it mean that he is of no positive value who can promote a closer relationship with your two teenagers, and he is otherwise of no emotional support to you.. and of no financial support either?
And you are “Feeling VERY alone”-
What is the value of having him in your life?
anita
November 5, 2016 at 1:24 am #119645MishikaParticipanthi B &E’S MOM
YOU may read this. This might just help you
http://www.magicalvibe.com/are-you-tired-of-feeling-lonely/
Thanks
November 7, 2016 at 5:34 am #119817MRWParticipantAnita,
I was able to have some good conversation with my husband this weekend. He appears to understand the things that are bugging me about his behavior of late and says he is more than willing to work on things because, “I’m worth it.” We will see what happens. His business is 100% commission based and has been very slow. I knew this going into the relationship and there are other trade offs that make the situation amenable to my life – I haven’t had to cook or do laundry or clean the bathroom or deal with a technology problem in over a year 😉 The second job is due to my 17 year old having medical expenses from surgery for a broken arm.
My kids are 15 and 17 and live with their dad, so they don’t interact with my husband very often. My husband DOES encourage me to spend as much time with them as possible (one on one) and to “make memories” with them. He says they will eventually out-grow their distaste for him as their brains prune themselves down from adolescence (by forgetting the incidents that caused the dislike to form in the first place) into adulthood and things will become more cordial for everyone. Neither he nor I had divorced parents that remarried, so there’s no first hand experience with these feelings (from a child’s point of view) and my fear is that the kids WON’T lose their distaste and will forever view my husband as, “the enemy.”
I suppose the bottom line is that by taking the chance of opening up about my discomfiture with the state of things, I set in motion a conversation about how my husband and I can better communicate with each other so that my loneliness goes away, he feels positive about things too, and this relationship can be as good as possible. I’m not ready to throw in the towel and would say I’m cautiously optimistic about it all.
November 7, 2016 at 5:35 am #119818MRWParticipantMishika,
Thank you for the link! It is an interesting idea to ponder. I appreciate the time you took to send it to me.
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