Dear Anita,

Thank you for your input. Here are the details that may help you:

(1) what did you do for him

– we’ve been friends for a while so I would say we’ve done a lot for each other like staying up late to do homework, helping him finish big essays, talking for hours on the phone when he was stressing, going out for stress relief like for a coffee or a dinner, and other meaningful things like thar

– when he broke up with his partner, I was there for him with his other best friends but unfortunately because I was preparing for a big career exam, I couldn’t talk to him as often as I perhaps should have, I wanted to hang out with him but he also just wanted to spend time doing things so I didn’t ask him to sit and study with me and instead he hung out with different friends doing activities. I tried to check up on him as often as possible but I will say I didn’t do it often enough

(2) what did he do for you

– he has done the same things for me, always been there for me through my ups and downs such as figuring out my career, studying for my exams, talking with me for a long time about my problems or concerns, laughed with me, everything as my closest best friend

(3) what are his unmet expectations

– he was going through some hard times in life when he had to move away for work for a bit, I didn’t get a chance to visit him while he was there even though a lot of our mutual friends did. he said that I should’ve come but that I didn’t want to make the effort to come even though I was his best friend; he said that ever since this happened, he’s come to expect that I simply won’t be there for him; my parents are kind of strict about these things and even though I wanted to go, I never got a chance to because, at that time, I had begun working quite often, I was busy planning with my family for a big family event, and my parents were not comfortable with me going

– he told me how he sent me so many texts and requests to talk while he was away but I was never available. It’s true that I often did not have a chance to reply to the texts but I do know I did call every chance I got and we would talk on the phone for hours; however, I got the feeling that because I didn’t visit in person, my phone calls were not enough

(4) how long has this friendship being going on

– 7 years

(5) what is the nature of the friendship

– he is definitely someone I consider my closest confidant and best friend, I trust him with information that I don’t tell my family or anyone else

(6) did he complain to you before about you not being there for him in one way or another

– when I was writing my first exam, he did bring up that he felt neglected in our friendship and that I never asked to study with him but that was mostly just because we get distracted whenever we do hang out; he also said that I did not call/text him as much; I did address this with him and he told that me he understood that the exam needed to be a priority for me and that he would remain as a support for me, we had worked past that and we were just beginning to get better

(7) did he complain to you before that other people not there for him

– yes he has told me that he gives a lot to people and that he feels that people are not there for him, I also think he does do a lot for people but that they can sometimes let him down

(8) what were the mistakes you owned up to

– I owned up to my absence, such as not visiting him while he was away and not replying to his texts as often or forgetting to reply to him

– I also owned up to the fact that I do tend to become closed off whenever I have my big exams coming up because I end up focusing on nothing else but that

– I recently started seeing someone and this was while I was studying again for a really big exam. I ended up spending a lot of time with this person because they would study with me; this happened to be at the same time that my best friend was going through a breakup and he felt that instead of spending time with him I was spending more time and effort with this new person I was seeing; I tried to explain that it wasn’t really me going out of my way to spend time with this person but I think my friend still got the picture that I wanted to spend more time with someone new rather than helping him through his hard times; I also admitted that there were times that I wasn’t actually studying and just spending time with the person I was seeing, but it was mostly for stress relief because I would get tired and my friends were often busy doing their own thing

– I agreed that I wasn’t there to support him as much but I also tried in my best way to do that by asking him if wanted study with me while I was studying but at the time of his breakup, he really just wanted to go out and do things instead of sitting in one place; I never mentioned any of this because I wasn’t sure what to say

(9) Did he ever make any mistakes with you and did he own up to them.

– he has made some mistakes with me but I have honestly let them go because I usually work through why he has done what he did; he is certain that he has always been there for me but I know there were times when I needed him and he had other priorities or was busy with other people but I know for myself that because I remember all the times he has been there, I never held it against him when he wasn’t around; I don’t want to say that I’m better in any way but I just feel as though I usually would move on because I never once thought that his support wasn’t there if he wasn’t around

Thank you Anita.

Love,

Madi

Dear Anita,

I’m also feeling guilty because I know I do tunnel into myself whenever I get bogged down with too many activities or events happening at the same time. This is a feature that I want to change about myself and I need to learn how to balance everything better. So I do understand what he saying about feeling neglected. I felt as though, this change in his idea of me also happened to come at a time when he felt betrayed by his ex-partner and he might be projecting that onto me. I don’t want to bring that up because it was a really messy breakup and I don’t want to hurt my friend. When I was talking to a trusted adult, they mentioned that my friend was perhaps projecting their own hurt feelings when I was sharing about my experiences of meeting someone and potentially beginning a relationship. I don’t know if that’s true since I love my friend a lot and we have always supported each other in our relationships but I do have to admit that at the time I began seeing this person is also the time when my friend started becoming distant with me. He had explained that it was because of my change in behaviour when I started seeing this person, that he realized I always had the possibility of creating time but I never tried to. I’m so lost by what to say to that because when I did start seeing this new person, my feelings were all over the place and I was excited by this new relationship. So I wonder that in that excitement, if I did, in fact, get too caught up in my own life and failed to think about how my friend would be faring? I feel as though this might be the case, but I also wonder if my friend has considered that he never told me any of his feelings before now. And when he had our talk earlier in the year, we had come to an understanding and it just changed when I started seeing someone.

In regards to visiting him while he was away, he told me that at that time, he needed me to come but I never came. I remember I did promise him I would try to come but I think somewhere my own feelings of jealousy (seeing him accomplish so much when I was still struggling with my career) was maybe a factor in why I didn’t want to go. When I was owning up to my mistakes, I told him that this may have been an unconscious reason for me but that I have always been so proud of him for all that he has done. I genuinely could not find time to go. He talked about how even a somewhat close mutual friend was able to find time to visit but I wasn’t. It hurt me to think that the simple act of that mutual friend in visiting him in person, is somehow worth more than all I have done for him in the past.

You are correct in mentioning that I never thought about the fact that he was not alone when he was with his friends. However, I have to admit that he did invite me when he was going out with them but I declined often because I genuinely wanted to focus on my studies and I even explained that to him to which he told me he understood. This occurred for about 2 months as during that time I was mostly just preparing for my exam and but also unintentionally spending a lot of time in my new relationship. I had also decided to give my friend space to do his own thing because I thought that’s what he wanted but he never mentioned at any time that he was unhappy with me or that he wanted me to come specifically. Should I have realized that I am expected to come? I was thinking that he is getting support from people who are better able to be completely present for him. But I also don’t know if that is me failing to be a good friend?

I am left wondering what to do now? Since I am trying to make it up to him, should I first explain these feelings to him or do I just continue to move on? Or should I go about this in another way?

Love,

Madi

Dear Anita,

I see what you are saying.

I think my guilt is coming from my fear to lose a close friend. I was often alone in my youth and never made any strong connections. When I met my friend, it was the first time I was instantly able to make a connection and create a strong friendship. I can’t imagine that all that is now going to waste. I know I often do take the blame on myself because of this fear I have of trying to keep people close.

I am also feeling alone again because my friend and another one of my best friends are doing things together more often. I feel like I am being purposely being left out and every time I ask to see one of them, they both tell me other things. Only later do I find out that they were making plans without me. I am confused and hurt by their actions but I am trying not to let things get to me and keep optimistic about being friends again but these actions are just hurting me now.  I also don’t know if I’m being paranoid and if I should simply not take things personally. All of this feels very childish but it’s incredibly painful as well.

Love,

Anja