Dear andreapretty:

I am thinking that your quest, what you need is mental (and physical) well being. What you need is to feel okay. What will it take for you to be mentally well, is the question. If a particular relationship harms your well being, then that relationship needs to be changed or eliminated.

You mentioned “a storm of thoughts”- feel free to share that storm.

anita

Dear andreapretty:

This will take time to figure out. Be as calm as you can, don’t try to figure too much too quickly. Consider this a long term endeavor. As I wrote to you before, one thing for sure- pregnancy is a bad, bad idea, so that is covered to my best understanding.

The marriage- clearly you feel very alone in it. This marriage should be evaluated and maybe terminated.

The relationship outside the marriages (your marriage, his marriage)- it resembles a bit the relationship you had with the man before you got married, isn’t it? Or at least it resembled it in emotional intensity on your part. Do you still feel attachment to that ex boyfriend of 10 years ago or so, or are all those feelings for him gone now?

anita

Dear andreapretty:

You don’t miss your ex boyfriend even though you felt so strongly about him at the time. This means to me that you will not miss your current boyfriend, after some time, if the relationship ends and if you will have a new, loving relationship in the future, with another man.

Clearly, you need a loving relationship in your life, this is clear. So if you do get strong (your last sentence), wisely evaluate your life as is and as has been, it will be possible for you- and much more likely- to be in that loving relationship you so long for. To be and live with a man who will listen to you, who will be there for you, available, caring, loving.

anita

Dear andreapretty:

What are your highest value, or values? For me it is Truth, and the principle of “to thine own self be true.” I don’t want to pretend, I don’t want to hide. I want to be and become who I am. What I say is true. Therefore I wouldn’t want to be married to one man and have a secretive relationship on the side. I think I would terminate the two relationships.

What are your highest values- what you value will guide you in this state of being “totally blank.”

anita

Dear andreapretty:

I think it is worth it for you to explore possibilities, specifically this course on Buddhism that you mentioned.

A couple of values that come to my mind when mentioning Buddhism is “Do no harm”- which is why I suggested to not bring a child into this situation, so not to cause harm to a new life.

It is probably a good principle not only in regard to a child- but in regard to other people in your life as well as yourself. First yourself. Clearly, your life situation is harming you, so examine what you are doing that is harming you and stop doing those things.

Another principle of Buddhism that comes to mind is being awake, aware, that is, seeing reality for what it is. Reality is, as I already stated on your thread, is that you need to be loved; that you need to love and be loved.

Let’s look at: are you being loved by your husband? The boyfriend?

anita

Dear andreapretty:

He suggested separation- why don’t you agree to it and make it happen.

I know you are scared. It reads to me that it is the time, even though you are scared, to separate. He is insisting on a baby and you don’t want that. How can this be resolved, other than separation- I don’t see any other way.

Being of two different castes and having to lie about it, as you wrote, it is very stressful for you.

I would tell him that separation is the only way and talk with him about HOW to do it best- what to tell others as the reason for the separation, a reason that will be the least harmful for the two of you, a reason more acceptable by society.

anitaa

Dear andreapretty:

A counselor can be a good idea, one who is very familiar with the culture, so that you can find a way to untangle yourself from this messy situation in a way you can live with during and after separation. Same for your husband.

I doubt you can make your parents or his parents understand, possible, but I doubt is, as people are very, very attached to the cultural/ social conventions, or rules.

As scared as you are, you need to find the strength to endure this, one hour at a time, one day at a time. Do what is in front of you at any time, not burdening your brain with much long term considerations. Consider these but focus on what is right in front of you here and now.

I will be here any time you post and will answer, every single time. I am here daily and quite frequently.

anita