So I really need to get this out somewhere.  I’ve kind of been holding it in.  I don’t really have anyone I can tell or feel comfortable telling.

I am part of an online community forum (topic of mental health), and I’d developed strong feelings for a guy there.  The whole experience, while, I adored him, was so disempowering for me.  I’d finally just blurted out how I felt.  We had been exchanging private messages.  He seemed pretty reserved about telling me about himself, but asked me about me, at the same time. It was frustrating. And weird.  He was charming.  He was witty, funny.  But I liked this guy, and I needed to know if he was on the same page.

He told me he liked me too.  I was happy. But had a weird feeling about it.  He was still distant, and I wasn’t sure about the distance physically, either.  We live across the country from each other.  To make a long story short, I feel messed with.  He did tell me passively, that he wasn’t in a place to be in a relationship, that he’s asexual, and all this stuff that I was just like, whoa.  I believed him the first time, when he said he wasn’t a good partner for me.  But at the same time, he was like, “maybe someday…”  and “I like you too.”

Finally, I got real.  I told him that I was uber attached to him, and it was stressing me out, because he is distant and held me at a very long arms length away.  And that I needed to pull away.  He responded.  With a really direct “I can’t be in a relationship right now.”  I know its the truth, and I knew it before he even told me directly.  I had SO many gut instincts, telling me he was the wrong person for me.  I couldn’t help getting attached though. And so I think pulling away was the right thing to do.  I was direct back, and said “I know,” basically.

Now I feel very triggered.  I decided to block him on the forum. Which I also think was smart.  Because I don’t want to see him flirting with the other women there, and I just cant deal.  I also felt bad though.  I didn’t want to hurt him.  Or make him feel bad.  I saw that he wrote a very ambiguous poem there, while I was going back and forth between my decision.  It seemed about me.  Because I’d told him I was pulling away.  Its kind of immature, to do that, in my opinion.

I’m triggered because I feel rejected.  I have decided, a couple of months ago, not to date, or express interest in men until January 2019.  Though honestly, I think I will probably never express interest in a man again. I will wait probably, to be approached myself.  And then I go tell this stupid online guy my feelings.

I was rejected over the summer, too, by someone, and it hurt a lot (it was IRL).  I was rejected again by same IRL guy a couple months ago.  I got lonely and contacted him.  I don’t want to be this rejected woman.  This rejected person.  This unwanted person.  This person who…is attracted to men who show interest, throw me bread crumbs, and then I find out they’re completely unable to really do anything about a relationship, or they don’t want to.   I don’t see myself as this kind of person.  But I’m just floored about how it happened again.

I AM proud of myself for cutting it off communication-wise with the online guy.  I think it was the right decision, even though it was really hard because I still felt attached, and I didn’t want to hurt him (but I needed to protect myself).  In the past, I would have just continued to pursue, I hate to admit.  I am getting better at feeling better about myself though.

I’m glad I had gut feelings about it, early on.  I always do.  I don’t know why I fall for these kinds of guys.  Its like this vacuum.  A spiral.  A moth to a flame, really.

I don’t want to look at all men as having the potential to just hurt me.  But today I kind of am.  I know not all guys are like this though, and that…I have been the interest of men before.  I wasn’t into the last guy who was into me.

I’d really like some encouragement, support, insight (if you think it might help).  Thank you for listening.