Hello anita

I am so sorry to reply to you so late. Because I didn’t visit that forum for a while, I didn’t see that you wrote.

There are good moments, which I truly appreciate and felt ok. But unfortunately those moments are short and when those moments pass, it’s sad and I am back to the same state of life. At the moment I unfortunately don’t feel good. Yesterday something happened that triggered me so hard that it really overwhelmed me and I behave abnormal. I really feel stupid, ashamed, hopeless, lonely and worthless.

To understand why yesterday’s situation affects me so deeply, I need to explain what happened before. Last year in spring the indoor sport restrictions due to the covid pandemic was lifted and I went back to do Crossfit again. Everyone was happy to be back in the gym and enjoy sessions of group training. There is a coach that I never had as trainer before. After some sessions I developed a crush. What a cliché. I know. I find it also super stupid and childish. But I didn’t fall for him because he was goodlooking or is welltrained. And I am not somebody who developed deep crushes that easily. And it was not that classical love at first sight or something like that. At the beginning it was only his dynamic and enthusistic way that motivate me to participate his trainings. But with time I just liked the way he is. He encouraged me to do the exercises right and corrected my postures. What is stupidly normal for a coach. That’s their job. But there are moments where I felt like he is showing me that he likes me. For example we had to hang at a bar for a specific time. During the exercise he suddenly hang next to me and joked that we should think at something like what to cook for dinner tonight. I wanted to giggle and let go of the bar. Because I felt ashamed that I liked him, I didn’t show that I giggled and found his joke funny. I was cold. There was also another moment where we had to do an exercise on the rings. He told me to hold differently and he put both of his hands on mine. I was perplex, but didn’t show that it affected me in anyway, because he is a coach and corrects the way I do my work out. And I didn’t want to show that I had a crush on him. That moment felt so long. My stupid hormons kicked in and I felt like my whole body was under fire. After that I felt so good about it. I fell hard for him. Stupidly hard. I continued to come in his training with a feeling of exitement. And I think he was also exited to see me. He was nice and understandable towards me. He even gave me a hand from time to time during the workouts. I really liked that side of him. But with time when my crush got so deep, I felt more and more uncomfortable in my own skin. I was constantly scared that others would noticed that I developed a crush on him. I feared that others would judge me and call me names or think that I only come to Crossfit because I am thirsty for men. One day I came to his training I was very absent and cold towards him. I just shut down my mind and did the training. He got very irritated and changed his behaviour too. With a collegue of him, who was training nearby by change, they compliment the others and encourage others. I was left aside and I felt like they ignored me on purpose. By honestly that is a normal reaction of him. I did the same to him. That training I pretended that none of this affected me. But I felt really bad and cried a lot afterwards. I didn’t go for some weeks to the training. Than I came back again and tried to explain to him why I was like that last time. But before I could really explain in detail he said that it can happen and the most important thing is that I came back again. I was so relived and happy that I he understood. I continued to come in his trainings but I became again so weird and abnormal in my behaviour. I think I was obsessing over him. I didn’t give him the lovey dovey look. In the contrary I became more and more cold towards him. I also became so absent. In autumn he stopped to give trainings. I was so sad but my study kept me very busy so I could put those constant thoughts about him aside. I don’t remember when it was but when I went to the Thursday training I saw him again. He was working out for himself with others. It’s stupid but I was very happy to see him, but I ignored him and gave him the cold shoulder. And that multiple times in a row. After that I stopped to come to Crossfit, because I felt bad about myself and I felt so shameful. I felt like the whole Crossfit community knows from my crush because of my abnormal behaviour. The way I behaved during trainings when he is nearby is just socially not acceptable. No wonder everyone got irritated by me. I hate myself for that. I avoided going to Thursday’s training because of that guy. It’s been a few months that I didn’t show up. Yesterday I told myself that I don’t want to avoid training just because of that guy. But it was a mistake. When I came I didn’t notice him because I just shut down mentally to avoid feeling anything. I tried to be normal with the coach, who is giving the training. She was nice and also said that it’s been a long time that I came to the training. I didn’t really want to tell why and I put a happy face. For that guy it must be so irritating, confusing and even hurtful. We are not strangers, but I am acting like he is a nobody. Who wants to be treated like that? Honestly he is not the first crush that I had and acted on like that. And during the warm up he was running on the same track with a girl. And when we crossed eachother he slapped on the butt of that girl. I was perplex, but again I didn’t show. I realised that she is probably his girlfriend. For me it was clear that I will not continue to see any possibility for a relationship. With or without knowing that he is in a relationship doesn’t change in my behaviour. I just shut down mentally and was probably very absent. I think everyone noticed it. I felt so sad, confused and ashamed. I feel so ashamed that I have a crush on him. That I like him so much that it hurts. For me it was clear from the beginning that I don’t know him and I will feel hurt when I don’t really talk with him.

After yesterday’s work out I left as fast as possible and I had to cry. It was very overwhelming and my already very present suffocating feelings, made it so unbearable. I thought about all the bad that happened in the past and how much I hate to still be stuck in that city. I cried a lot. I questioned everything about what I do. I thought a lot to end my life. I know that a crush is not the end of the world and that there are a lot worse things happening. But I feel so tired of my life. I really don’t want my life anymore.

Sesha