Dear Sesha:

“I can be calm…  I can also be funny, daring and adventurous… I reach out for new people and new experiences to discover… open minded to other perspectives and world views…  deeply cares for people who I trust and feel connected with…  empathic and understandable person…  adaptable, humble and self-determined” –

It is amazing who y0u are when you are not suffering from the feelings that suffocate you (scared, paralyzed, tense, having no “joy and energy to do anything”, “nothing has meaning”, etc.).

How about regulating these suffocating feelings? You mentioned emotion regulation yourself, but did you work on it using worksheets available online? There are books and workbooks on the topic, examples: “Emotion regulation in psychotherapy”, ‘Master your emotions”, “The road to calm workbook”, “Your emotions and you, Workbook”. Do you own any of these books and workbooks?

anita

Dear Sesha:

On March 3, exactly two months ago, you wrote: “those intense moaning is not tolerable, and I have to regulate my emotions” – because you referred to the term emotion regulation, I assumed that you were familiar with emotion regulation skills, that you at least read on the topic.  Fast forward two months and I find out that you didn’t read any book about emotion regulation and didn’t do any worksheets on the topic. (My lesson: do not assume!)

Good to read that you went for a hike with a group of people, I am very glad to read that you did!

I think that the more positive social experiences you have, the better (you said it yourself earlier)… and better of course, to avoid more negative social experiences at home by… not going home.

“Regulating those ‘suffocating feelings’ would be amazing…  I also have to say that I am often trying to avoid to think about those suffocating thoughts. I rather meditate than write down those things’ – emotion regulation skills are not about writing down your feelings. I remember one session with my therapist ten years ago, I was distressed; he didn’t ask me to talk about my feelings or to write about them, instead, he sent me for a walk outside the office, under the blue sky and the sun.

Much of emotion regulation skills is about what’s called positive distractions, that is distracting yourself from thoughts and feelings in healthy way (not about talking/ writing about them). Why don’t you research the topic, maybe consider borrowing (from a library) or buying one of those books/ workbooks that I listed in my last post?

Sesha

Dear Sesha;

You are welcome. You don’t have to work on emotion regulation all alone, by yourself. I am working on it myself, every day, so we can trade experiences and help each other.

anita

Dear Sesha:

I suggest regulating your emotions on two fronts:

1) Have a daily routine for every day. It doesn’t mean that everything in your day has to be the same as the day before and the day after- only a few things. In my case, it’s a morning short exercise/ stretching (a mindful exercise which puts my brain into a focus mode first thing in the morning), and about an hour-long walk in the afternoon. Accomplishing these and a few other routine assignments every day, gives me a sense of accomplishment and a feeling that I have some control over my life, since I accomplished what I set up to accomplish.

2) When you notice the suffocating feelings emerging from the inside of you, take a moment and (a) say to yourself: I am not afraid of these suffocating feelings!  (it’s an attitude change that I am asking you to make and remake every time you notice the feelings emerging: to stop being afraid of the suffocating feelings, to peel the fear off from them, so that what you feel is the unpleasantness of these feelings, but the fear of them lessens and lessens and eventually gone),

(b) Slowly take air in (inhale), feel the increased air in your lungs and when you exhale, exhale not only the air you just inhaled but the suffocating feelings as well. Repeat inhaling air and exhaling that air mixed with the suffocating feelings.

*** I think that part of the suffocating feelings is an angry insistence that nothing will work- an anger which is behind your rejection of suggestions given to you about how to help yourself. Is it so, for you? If it is, we’ll need to address this anger so that it doesn’t stop you from sincerely trying any of the suggestions above, giving up quickly, saying to yourself that it will not work, etc.

anita

Dear Sesha:

Like I wrote to another member a little while ago, methods that work, work if you are fully committed to practice them every day. About your anger, I want to understand it better. Earlier, we talked about borderline personality disorder (bpd), and you said that you fit parts of it. I know that anger is a big part of bpd…can you tell me which parts of the diagnosis you identify with?

anita