Feeling lost and heartbroken

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This topic has 22 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 10 months ago by Maya.

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October 21, 2018 at 7:28 am #232371

Anonymous
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Dear Katylee:

You wrote to me that I have no idea, regarding my last post to you where I suggested that you should act for “the best interests of your respective children”. I am assuming, and definitely would like to assume that you are all for acting for the best interest of the children involved.

So, I figure what you mean by me having no idea, is that his relationship/living together with the mother of his children is not for the benefit of their children, and it will be better for his children that he permanently separates from her. Is that what you meant by me having no idea?

anita

October 21, 2018 at 10:26 am #232401

Bell
Participant

Hi Katylee,

I was involve in a similar situation except that mine has no children involve. I do understand the feeling of being judge or the fear of being judge. I couldn’t give you a good advice but I am reaching out to tell you that you are not alone. And I was surprised that I found a post with such a similar experience to mine. I personally think that you had a deeper feelings compare to the one I had. However, I am now trying to learn to love without holding on tightly, which I think is what makes us feel trapped usually. It seems like both of you share the same kind of guilt in this relationship maybe it is better for you to let things flow naturally and perhaps both of you can have a chance to rebuilt your relationship once he had figured out what he really wants?

October 22, 2018 at 3:41 pm #232657

Katylee
Participant

Anita

If I’m honest your post sounds a tad judgemental, and like you were suggesting that neither he or I we’re thinking of our children.

The main reason we have gone around in the circles we have for the past 2 years is because we both have children. But actually I don’t think it’s healthy or fair on anyone involved if a couple are to stay together because they have children . especially if they’ve had the capacity to fall in love and maintain a relationship with someone else outside of that partnership.

You suggested that I leave him be so that he can be a good person and that I try and do the same. He is a good person and so am i, together or apart. The guilt stems from hurting people. Nobody likes hurting another person, especially when you care for them. Which we both do, care for our previous partners that is. In answer to your question about him permanently separating from his ex partner, he has. And yes I do believe that’s for the best. Not because I think he should be with me but because one day the children will grow up, leave home and probably realise that the only reason their parents were together was because of guilt. It is possible for children to grow up happy and secure with parents that have separated.

October 22, 2018 at 3:47 pm #232659

Katylee
Participant

Hello Bell

Thank you for your reply. I think there is a lot of judgement when people have an affair, and I can understand why but it happens. We are only human and sometimes we fall in love when we least expect, completely out of the blue. I do love him very much but I’m starting to realise that I need to take care of myself and let him go. If we’re meant to be then maybe we will find a way back to each other again. But for the moment I need to focus on building a life without him. I can understand why you say that you’re not trying to hold on so tightly anymore. But that’s what love is about I guess, not wanting to let go or loose one person. Your best person x

October 23, 2018 at 9:18 am #232743

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Katylee:

You wrote to me: “your post sounds a tad judgmental, and like you were suggesting that neither he or I we’re thinking of our children”- well, you didn’t mention anything about the children, about their best interest. I think their best interest is relevant to your situation as well as his. It is something to look into and consider. But you didn’t mention it.

Regarding being judgmental, you wrote earlier: “I know a lot of people reading this will think I’m a terrible person for getting involved with him in the first place, maybe I do deserve this pain that I’m going through now”- it is you who made a severe judgment of yourself, suggesting that you are a terrible person who deserves pain.

I don’t think you were a terrible person to get involved with him and I don’t think you deserve pain now. So you see, I am way less judgment of you than you are of yourself. I will be glad to communicate with you further for the purpose of you no longer experiencing that pain that you do. I am sincerely hoping you don’t experience that pain.

anita

October 23, 2018 at 1:59 pm #232803

Katylee
Participant

I’ve never mentioned much about either of our children as to me it’s an absolute given that they were thought about and considered throughout all of this. If there were no children involved we would have been together opening right from the beginning, that I know for sure. But wedo have children, whom we love very much and they have absolutely been thought of and considered. Probably the main reason we are not together now. And yes, I am very judgemental on myself.

October 24, 2018 at 4:33 am #232895

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Katylee:

A lot of us are very judgmental of ourselves. It is referred to as the “inner critic”, the one doing all that judgment of ourselves. My inner critic, or judge, as been severe, punishing, aggressive and my life was miserable for having it. It’s been a long process, still ongoing, to learn, through practice, to talk sense to myself while hearing its voice and to finally disengage from it when I just start hearing its voice.

If you want to share more about your inner critic, your self judgment, when it started and what its contribution to your life now is like, please do. I will be glad to share my process with you, if you would like that.

anita

October 31, 2018 at 3:02 pm #234849

Maya
Participant

Hi Katylee,

I hope you are doing and feeling better. I’d like to hear from you to see how are things going for you as I am still struggling to get out of my situation.

Wish you all the best
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