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Feeling lost and alone in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner

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Viewing 10 posts - 1 through 10 (of 10 total)
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  • April 25, 2017 at 3:33 am #146637
    Fruzsina
    Participant

    Hello,

    I’m at a loss – I’m experiencing something that I have never gone through before in my life and I absolutely do not know what to do.

    I’m in love with someone who seems to be emotionally unavailable. I’ve known he is an introvert ever since we began dating, but at the beginning, he opened up to not just me but his friends also, he shared aspects of his life he never has before and everyone came up to me saying “what have you done to him, he’s completely changed!!” I was so happy that I had such a positive affect on his life, but to this day he doesn’t communicate with me as much as he should.

    I am extroverted, I have always had an insanely close relationship with my family, they’ve nurtured me to be open about everything in my life and for that I am thankful. He grew up with parents that were the complete opposite, he’s mentioned to me that his parents act passive aggressive toward each other and don’t speak much. When his mum is mad and telling his dad off he just sits there not saying anything.

    I see the exact same behaviour in my boyfriend – sometimes I tell him things and he doesn’t say anything. After 6 month of this, I finally spoke out yesterday and told him I can’t be with someone who won’t let me get to know him as a person. I told him I feel like I hardly know him and he found it so so difficult, he was in shock, he was confused and very hurt. He told me he thinks I am asking the impossible from him, because the deep connection I want to have with him is completely foreign to him and something he has never experienced.

    The sad thing in it all is that he never realises he is being ‘off’ with me. I think the worst is after we make love – he just lies there with his eyes closed, kind of ignoring me. Sure, he has his arm around me but he doesn’t speak to me or show more affection to me than any other time – in fact, he actually shows less. This is very hurtful to me, I am especially very lovely with him at that time and he always pushes me away, he tells me he’s ‘tired’. And that’s it, apparently, to him, that is not a problem.

    He’s oblivious that he shuts me out and I feel like I am being repeatedly hurt… This week I started to be real about our relationship in my mind – I stopped sugarcoating and I have cried every day because I don’t know our relationship will survive.

    He is one of the sweetest, most supportive, caring, sensitive people I’ve met, I love him so very much and he treats me like I’m the only girl in the world, expect he forgets to include me in his feelings sometimes..

    I have no idea what to do – I’m at a loss, I’m so fragile. I can try and be patient with him but I already feel so hurt by it all – it feels like such a mess.
    Any help will be appreciated

    Thank you

    April 25, 2017 at 10:05 am #146677
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Fruzsina:

    I think you observed correctly: “he never realises he is being ‘off’ with me.”- he doesn’t know how to act differently or if he knows how, it feels foreign to him, fake, difficult.

    If you gently assert yourself with him, asking that he behaves a certain way, make sure you are not vague or asking him for too much: request a small behavioral change on his part and be very specific about what you ask. For example, instead of saying: I need you to be more affectionate with me (vague), or: I need you to look at me and tell me how you feel and… (too much), say, gently, kindly: I need you to look at my face when I talk to you for the short time I talk to you next.

    You wrote that you feel hurt by his behavior. If you understand that his behavior is not about who you are but his life experience before he met you, and that although he was audibly more open to you and to others at the beginning, such a change cannot happen magically, but is gradual, very gradual and long term, do you still feel hurt?

    anita

     

    April 26, 2017 at 8:32 am #146803
    Fruzsina
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I think you are right- I need to make sure I know that his behaviour has nothing to do with me. I think there is some insecurity within myself about us that makes me constantly question how he feels about me and blame his closed off behaviour on myself, which I need to work on..

    Now we’ve spoken about the situation, it is clear that we are both unsure about the future of our relationship. This makes me feel strange around him, like something has changed. I hate it and I almost wish I could go back to being blinded by love, but I know that’s not good for me… For now, time will really change. I’m going away for two weeks so we’ll be unable to see each other, I think that will be good for us.

    Thank you for your advice

    Fruzsina

    April 26, 2017 at 8:55 am #146809
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Fruzscina:

    You are welcome. I re-read your original post and noticed something I didn’t notice before, and I think it may be a key for deeper understanding.

    You wrote: “After 6 months of this, I finally spoke out yesterday and told him I can’t be with someone who won’t let me get to know him as a person. I told him I feel like I hardly know him and he found it so so difficult, he was in shock, he was confused and very hurt. He told me he thinks I am asking the impossible from him”-

    His reaction: shock, confusion, hurt makes me wonder what it is you said to him exactly, in what tone. Can you re-state best you can what/ how you told him what you did?

    anita

    April 27, 2017 at 2:56 am #146945
    Jack
    Participant

    My fiancé and I went through something similar at the beginning of our relationship and it still comes up from time to time. He is a very open, emotional person who needs a lot of affection, attention and reassurance to feel that he is loved and valued in a relationship. Unfortunately for him, I am a fairly distant/quiet person who isn’t comfortable expressing feelings. We had many conversations where he would complain that he couldn’t read me, didn’t know where he stood with me because I didn’t know how to open up. I agree with Anita above, the tone in which this conversation is started is huge. If you’ve been letting the resentment build for 6 months before saying anything and then exploded at your boyfriend or laid a heavy guilt trip on him, I’m sure he was even more anxious about being open with you. I have been much more receptive to my fiancé’s requests for affection and emotion when he is gentle and understanding.

    I think you may have to accept that you will both need to compromise on your ideal situation. Your boyfriend may need to put some effort into recognizing and communicating his feelings but you may also need to learn to recognize his own unique ways of showing love. My fiancé told me recently that the Christmas cards and love notes I give him mean so much to him because he knows how hard it is for me to write lovey-dovey stuff. He used to be offended at how stiff and clichéd my love letters sounded but now he can see how hard I am trying to tell him I love him. The effort I put into trying matters more to him than the words themselves. Maybe you can come to that kind of understanding with your boyfriend as well?

    April 27, 2017 at 8:14 am #146963
    Fruzsina
    Participant

    Anita,

    I spoke with him in the most calming manner I could – I have spoken to him about this in the past, but I wasn’t exactly sure what was happening or why I felt the way I did – so the first time we spoke about it I said to him that I am upset he doesn’t show much enthusiasm or emotion with me. We first spoke about it several months back, so actually, I was wrong in my last post to say I decided to let it all out after 6 months because that’s not true- this has been a re-occuring problem.

    Around January time I told him that when he texts me after we’ve spent time together saying “I’ve had the best time thank you for this evening”, I felt so confused because most of the time I thought he was bored or uninterested with me because he never showed excitement when we spent time together.. It has gotten much better since, when we spend time together he’s happy to see me, tells me he appreciates me, and especially that night we talked about the way I feel about him now (emotionally shut off), he was very upset and I told him I won’t leave until he is better. I gave him quiet time but also tried to talk to him about other things to get his mind off it and stop him from feeling so horrible – he said he is thankful and appreciate that I am taking the time to cheer him up and stay with him through a difficult time.

    When I spoke with him on Monday about the issue, I tried to ease into the conversation very lightly because the last thing I wanted to do was hurt his feelings – I used the words “I feel…” a lot instead of blaming him for the way things are. I simply told him I want to be more involved in his life and would like him to share his emotions and thoughts with me about things rather than keeping everything to himself. I brought up a few examples from when he would not reply to me when we are discussing something and told him that communication to me is so so important and I know it can be difficult for him seeing it’s not the way he grew up, but that I’m not very happy with the way things are going… I was of course really nice to him, I love him after all. No matter how angry this situation can make me, when I see him I cannot be mean to him.

    3 days have gone by since that conversation and I am coming to terms with the fact that the end of our relationship might be nearing – I don’t really feel the same toward him as I used to – before this complication I was so in love and he was perfect and everything was amazing around him, as long as I was with him nothing can get me down. But that has changed, I cannot get this issue off my mind and we are still seeing each other of course but for some reason I have this feeling as though we have broken up.. It’s horrible. The time I am most calm is actually when I am with him – he is my best friend as well as boyfriend so being with a friend is very calming but right now I think I see him more as a friend than a partner.

    Do you have any advice for the way I feel? In my head I’m thinking to give it time – as I mentioned in my previous post we will be spending time apart from each other, and that might be best.

     

    Fruzsina

     

     

    April 27, 2017 at 8:20 am #146965
    Fruzsina
    Participant

    Hi Jack,

    Thanks for your input, it’s nice to hear about you and your fiancé, since it is a similar situation. I think you are right, we both need to compromise and to do that, we need to learn more about each other. We have only been together for 6 months and for the whole time we have been 3rd year university students, which often left little time for each other. I also think the stress that university brings could have caused him to shut down emotionally, which I definitely considered and asked him about. He told me he has been stressed, but he tries to not acknowledge it or talk about it because he fears it’ll make it worse. I told him I would love for him to share his life with me as much as possible, as I am here to help him through whatever he comes across in life and I think he’d find it easier if he shared it with me also – it’s always nice to have support… to that, he said asking for help makes him feel weak. He takes a lot of pride in his independence.

     

    Fruzsina

    April 27, 2017 at 8:43 am #146973
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Fruzsina:

    Thank you for answering my previous question.

    It reads to me from your posts that he is a decent man and that you are a decent woman, both honest with each other. I like the way you talk to him, gentle and kind.

    You wrote: “before this complication I was so in love and he was perfect and everything was amazing…But that has changed, I cannot get this issue off my mind and we are still seeing each other of course but for some reason I have this feeling as though we have broken up”- maybe because you have taken the role with him of being the teacher (he being the student). You’ve been teaching him for a while how to communicate with you, being careful to be gentle with him, giving him examples, following up on his progress… and that took away from the romantic aspect of the relationship. Could it be?

    I am also wondering about a sentence in your original post that caught my eye from the beginning: “I have always had an insanely close relationship with my family”- what do you mean by INSANELY close?

    anita

    April 27, 2017 at 8:57 am #146977
    Fruzsina
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thanks for replying so promptly.

    He is definitely a decent man – he would never do anything to hurt me intentionally and that I know.

    That is a very interesting way of looking at it and you might be right – maybe the teaching aspect could be taking away from the romance. I asked him how he feels about everything the next day when we saw each other, he said it’s on his mind a lot also, and that he is determined to do everything he can to keep me in his life. He asked me to be patient with him…

    Me and my family share absolutely everything with each other, especially me, my mum and my sister. My mum knows everything about every relationship my sister and I have had in the past and she’s always been the first to turn to when I needed someone. We all have a strong bond (including my dad who is a little introverted but still loves to be involved in everything). We have a family group chat, since me and my sister live away from my parents where we talk everyday. When me and my sister or me and my mum speak on the phone, we usually talk for 2 hours, without even realising how much time has passed. We have a deep connection, we make each other laugh and I know I can always count on them.

    I guess it is because of the strong relationship I have with them that I have high expectations for my partner. I have always been someone to have high expectations in life but I am trying to change that and practice gratitude.

    Fruzsina

    April 27, 2017 at 9:38 am #146981
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Fruzsina:

    I can’t imagine a relationship like that with one’s mother, not at all my experience. Reads good to me, to have such a relationship. I think it is the exception, not the rule. Therefore, if you have the expectation that most other people will be as easily communicative as you, it is, I believe, an unrealistic expectation because your experience with your mother is exceptional… What is her position on this issue of this thread?

    anita

     

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