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January 22, 2023 at 10:09 am #414212
Anonymous
GuestDear Palegazasunnidays:
You read like an honest, very responsible and resourceful daughter, mother, and friend. I am sorry that your father became ill with anxiety and depression and I hope that he recovers soon this year.
I want to understand better what happened with A in the context of your June 2022-Jan 2023 life events:
June 2022, your father got sick with anxiety and depression. By late August, his condition deteriorated and the man you’ve been seeing, A, has “suddenly gone cold” on you, asking for space, which you graciously gave him. In early September, A told you that “he didn’t want to be in a relationship but that he would like to remain friends“, and again, you graciously accommodated him. On Sept-Oct, your father deteriorated further and was admitted to a hospital. By Dec 2022, A made “one or two suggestive comments“, then invited you for dinner. While at his place, he asked you to stay overnight, and you declined. At the end of Dec 2022, you met A for coffee, “one thing led to another” and you slept together. The two of you ended up in bed together on weekends during Jan 2023. Throughout this whole time you were a model+ daughter, mother, friend; helping everyone a whole lot.
“The thing is this just doesn’t feel right. I feel pretty messed up at the moment, we sleep together and I end up crying… I feel like I’ve lost my dad… My teenage sons don’t need me as much now and I feel lost without that too. And there’s A who I know doesn’t want a relationship… but I crave his company, his touch, even though I know deep down it’s not right“- it is as if you’ve gone back- since June last year- to being a girl/ a single, young woman (although a very responsible and resourceful one), being that you’ve been spending significantly less time being a mother and taking care of your sons, and a lot more time around and about your original family, as a daughter and sister. To add to it: there is this guy, a male teenager-like who has been using you for sex. True, you need to be touched, but you don’t want to be used: you don’t want to be friends with benefits with A– or with anyone.
“Any thoughts, advice words of experience would be welcomed because I’m finding it hard to see things with any real logic or perspective just now“- I don’t think that you want to be used for sex, and I know that you deserve better than that. Before I continue, am I on the right track?
anita
January 22, 2023 at 10:41 am #414213Palegazesunnidays
ParticipantHello Anita
Thank you for replying to my post.
Yes, you are on the right track.
Thinking about what you mention me being back as sister and daughter. I feel back where I was before I left home to move in with my then partner (my ex husband). I remember being the support for my mum and brother whilst my dad was working, and only having my dad to turn to, to talk to, confide in as my mum just didn’t understand how to bless her. I’ve always been her support and my brothers from a young age. They are both quite coy and in a sense nieve and easily led and can misunderstand situations or conversations.
As for A, no I don’t want to be in a friends with benefits situation, but I can see I’ve allowed that to happen. I almost feel manipulated. I feel quite angry with myself. He blanked me thus weekend, a call for a chat on Friday evening few sparse messages over the weekend x
January 22, 2023 at 10:44 am #414214Anonymous
InactiveHi Palegazesunnidays
I’m sorry to hear about your difficulties with your father’s breakdown. It sounds like you yhandling (pardon my French) a hell of a lot at the moment. You’re supporting your mom, dad brother, your children as well as your friend’s daughter. Perhaps you should plan how to scale back some of your responsibilities? If at all possible?
You have to put on your own oxygen mask before you can help others. It sounds like you might be feeling overwhelmed with everything. Do you think that’s accurate? Do you have difficulty saying no to people and find it hard to press your own needs?
Regarding A. You’re an adult and it’s 2023. I don’t think anyone needs to feel guilty about these things. You deserve some human contact and comfort with everything you are dealing with right now. You might want to have a conversation with A about any boundaries you would like in this temporary relationship. I think it’s okay if you want to enjoy this situation, but only if you do find yourself enjoying it. If you don’t, it might be time to discuss that too.
January 22, 2023 at 10:53 am #414216Anonymous
Inactive*It sounds like you are handling a hell of a lot.
January 22, 2023 at 10:58 am #414217Anonymous
GuestDear Palegazasunnidays:
You are welcome. It looks like growing up, you took on a co-parent role, co-parenting your mother and brother. Seems to me that your mother dealt with her anxiety by taking on a helpless-child role (not consciously, I figure), and you and your father shouldered the weight of life. I wonder if your father’s anxiety since June last year has to do with taking care of his helpless wife for too long…?
“I almost feel manipulated. I feel quite angry with myself“- he surely manipulate you: when he invited you to dinner at his place, he didn’t tell you that he intended to ask you to stay overnight, did he? He didn’t let you know that he was pursuing you as a friend-with-benefits, he.. just went for it. It happens often that a girl or a woman just wants to be touched, held.. but the man has other ideas. Are you going to end contact with A?
anita
January 22, 2023 at 10:59 am #414218Anonymous
GuestI forgot to add: I wish you weren’t angry with yourself, but with A.
anita
January 22, 2023 at 11:01 am #414219Palegazesunnidays
ParticipantHello Helcat, many thanks for taking the time to reply.
I’m no longer supporting my friends daughter, that came to an end at the end of last year.
I have been feeling overwhelmed especially towards the end of last year, and I knew I wasn’t accomodating any time for myself as i was splitting myself in so many ways and trying to stay afloat so i could support my dad etc.. I do find it difficult to say no, especially when I’m feeling this way. I’m aware I’ve taken a nose dive hence pushing myself to walk, cycle, exercise more, it’s my coping/mechanism for seeking some sense of control.
As for A. I feel a sense of having been manipulated whilst at a low point. Craving that feeling of being wanted, I’m not sure I’ve made the best choice. Everything is pretty much on his terms. When i ask if he’d like to pop out for a walk or join me for a coffee, he declines then will as me to join him for a coffee, or a walk. He always asks literally last minute (that morning, that hour) whereas I’ll query the day or two before as I know I’ll need to factor in running about for family etc. This weekend he’s pretty much ignored me aside from a message to say he had a headache.
The other thing for me i guess is emotions.. being intimate with someone leaves me with emotion overload I guess you could say, makes me feel more lonely? It’s difficult to explain x
January 22, 2023 at 11:13 am #414225Palegazesunnidays
ParticipantAnita, yes, I guess some of my dad’s anxiety/depression may have come from that place. He’s mentioned feeling dragged down by doing everything and i can understand how that feels.
A invited me over to dinner, and as an afterthought (in a second message) said I could stay over, that he’d give me his bed and he’d take his daughters (she was at her mums that night, shes 20) with no funny business. When I questioned it later in the evening, he said he is just lonely and wanted to wake up with another person in the house on Xmas day. In between the days of my declining and then sleeping with him, he said that he’d asked me to stay and that he knew something would happen and that he was being selfish because he’d wanted to wake up next to me, to feel held and wanted. When i said to him that i felt really confused about it all as he’d wanted to go from friends to dating, but was then seemingly pursuing me again, he said that I should have said just said yes, and probably just stayed, but also said he understood why as whether I stayed over or not he said he knew I’d overthink things, hence saying I should have just stayed.
I spent Xmas day and boxing day in a state of confusion. Lonely without my boys, lonely being at my parents on Xmas day where i cooked dinner and sorted everything out.. and alone at home on boxing day. Was not a good Xmas.
And since sleeping with him, and having continued to.. I still remain conflicted within my mind among other things going on x
January 22, 2023 at 11:24 am #414229Anonymous
GuestDear Palegazasunnidays:
I will reply further to you Mon morning (it is Sun 11:24 pm here). Please feel free to add anything you’d like to add, and I will respond to all in the morning.
anita
January 22, 2023 at 11:30 am #414236Palegazesunnidays
ParticipantMany thanks Anita, your time is much appreciated.
Wishing you a restful night
January 22, 2023 at 11:38 am #414242Anonymous
GuestYou are very welcome. I made a mistake, Palegazesunnidays: I meant to say it was 11:24 am, not pm, therefore, I will be back to you in about 20 hours from now.
anita
January 23, 2023 at 2:02 am #414319Anonymous
InactiveHi Palesunnidays
It’s good that one less thing is off your plate, but you are still handling a lot. I’m glad that you’re finding an exercise routine helpful.
It might help you to practice setting boundaries and saying no. You are a helpful kind person. But you deserve to be happy. If you say no sometimes, you will still be helpful and kind. You will just be taking care of yourself as well as others and be happier as a result.
I’m sorry to hear that you had a lonely Christmas. No wonder you sought comfort. I can understand having emotions come up after sleeping with someone. It certainly doesn’t help that the temporary relationship seems unbalanced. Everything shouldn’t be on his terms. You are an extremely busy lady and need advanced notice. I wouldn’t be happy with the lack of communication since either. It’s rude.
You could probably find a new partner easily if you wanted to. I’m curious how dating has been going since your divorce? Do you find that you have been stuck in the friends with benefits / casual temporary relationship category with men?
January 23, 2023 at 8:03 am #414326Anonymous
GuestDear Palegazesunnidays:
I re-read all your posts. In this reply, I will quote from you, comment on that quote, then quote more, comment, etc.
“I threw myself into sorting and tidying around the house, I had a huge desire to be busy, to sort things before the new year… I hurt so much inside and I’m struggling to pull myself out of the thoughts, feelings and emotions that come with it… I’m finding it hard to see things with any real logic or perspective just now”-
– what if I try, in this post, to help you just a bit, to sort and tidy your thoughts, feelings and emotions and see things with real logic or perspective, starting with your family of origin and proceeding to A:
“My mum.. was struggling to understand it all... My mum and brother had taken a backseat throughout all this as they said they didn’t know what to do or how to be helpful…I remember being the support for my mum and brother whilst my dad was working, and only having my dad to turn to, to talk to, confide in as my mum just didn’t understand how to bless her. I’ve always been her support and my brothers from a young age. They are both quite coy and in a sense naive and easily led and can misunderstand situations or conversations… I guess some of my dad’s anxiety/depression may have come from that place. He’s mentioned feeling dragged down by doing everything and I can understand how that feels”-
– it is possible that your mother and brother suffer from mental disabilities that render them unable to understand situations and conversations and therefore, they are helpless and indeed need a lot of help. It is also possible that your mother’s coy and naive expressions and behaviors for so many years, have been partly a somewhat-calculated manipulation, one that affords her an easy kind of life, a life where she doesn’t have to struggle or do much of anything.
It is possible that your brother, while growing up, observed the dynamic at home (father having a hard life; mother- an easy life), and figured that he’d rather have an easy life, so he took on his mother’s role, while you took on your father’s role (siblings often take opposite roles).
If this is the case, or close to it, then I can imagine that your father may not be able to heal or recover from his anxiety and depression if he returns to the same family dynamic. (Maybe, just maybe he has been angry with your mother for many years, never expressed it directly, and that anger built up to his anxiety and depression breakdown).
As far as A goes: “I was confused I guess because I wanted to feel wanted, to be held etc.. A had said the same“- it is possible that it was not the same: that you wanted more of an emotional bond with him (to feel wanted as a person, to be held as a person), while he wanted more of a sexual bond (to be wanted as a man). Neither desire is wrong, but two people should be clear about what they want with each other, rather than assume.
“The thing is this just doesn’t feel right. I feel pretty messed up at the moment, we sleep together and I end up crying when I’ve gone home, and remain in a low mood/upset for a few days before I shake it off… being intimate with someone leaves me with emotion overload I guess you could say, makes me feel more lonely? It’s difficult to explain”-
-I am thinking that growing up with a helpless mother who, I am guessing, did not help you while you were growing up, and with a father who worked a lot, you were quite lonely. Perhaps keeping yourself very busy (as described in your original post) has been a way for you to distract yourself from the long-felt lonely feeling inside (in the following, I’ll refer to this long-felt lonely feeling inside as Loneliness).
When sleeping with A, you got a break from Loneliness. You felt a very different feeling, a Together Feeling. But then, when separated from him and not having a regular, reliable contact with him, the contrast between the temporary Together Feeling and the return of Loneliness was too great, and that contrast may be the emotional overload that you experienced.
“And there’s A who I know doesn’t want a relationship, and I know I don’t want a relationship with him as I know he’s not right for me.. but I crave his company, his touch, even though I know deep down it’s not right“-
– he is not right for you, but a Together Feeling is right for you, and you crave it.
“A invited me over to dinner, and as an afterthought (in a second message) said I could stay over, that he’d give me his bed and he’d take his daughter’s.. with no funny business“-
– he referred to the idea of having sex with you as funny business. Funny business is “dishonest or unacceptable behavior” (online definition). He said it, didn’t he?
“When I questioned it later in the evening, he said he is just lonely and wanted to wake up with another person in the house on Xmas day“, “I almost feel manipulated. … As for A, I feel a sense of having been manipulated whilst at a low point… Everything is pretty much on his terms… He always asks literally last minute (that morning, that hour).. This weekend he’s pretty much ignored me aside from a message to say he had a headache”-
– doesn’t seem like he is a lonely person, being that he doesn’t seek your company much and turns you down when you seek his company. When he told you back in Dec that he wanted to wake up with another person on Xmas day… that was poetic and Christmassy and quite deceptive, seems to me.
anita
January 23, 2023 at 3:41 pm #414347Palegazesunnidays
ParticipantThank you Helcat
Yes, I do need to learn speak up and say no rather than seeking to please everyone all the time. I guess when feeling so low this becomes exceedingly more difficult to do, which in turn increases that low feeling even more.
I divorced 17 years ago, separated before my youngest was born due to my ex husbands adultery, and divorced a year later. I was dating practically weeks after my youngest was born, I felt I had something to prove to my ex at the time, silly I know. I ended up in a relationship with the first person I dated which lasted several years. He was in the same boat as me at the time. We moved in together after a year of dating and parted ways 6 years later, I ended it. I then had a couple of disastrous relationships where I was emotionally abused/manipulated, one lasted 3 months the next one two years, of which i ended both of them. I then dated an old friend which led to a two and a half year relationship which again I ended. I was alone from then for just over 3 years until meeting A last year. So I’m not sure you’d really call them temporary or casual.. And as for dating, I’m bot sure i wish to meet anyone else as i feel my choice of men radar is right out of sync x
January 23, 2023 at 3:44 pm #414348Palegazesunnidays
ParticipantThank you Anita
My brother is dyslexic, potentially ASD but never diagnosed, lives at home with my parents, has no friends, no job, no benefits. His only outing is to the shops to by food with my parents money. He’s socially anxious and anxious in general. He was most helpful when my dad was unwell at home in trying to help him to manage his anxiety have g dfound ways to try to manage his own if that makes sense. Helping with the shopping is about all he is able to offer other than that he shuts himself in his room and is nocturnal, being awake all night, and asleep most of the day.
My mother is also dyslexic. However, she is a social butterfly, loves to meet with her friends for coffee and chatter. My dad’s anxiety frustrates her. When he was unwell at home she backed away saying she couldn’t deal with it, saying she just felt cross with him. The most she is able to help with is again food shopping, household chores, food prep/cooking. She’s doesn’t understand maths/finance neither does my brother and neither of them drive. My mum also has mobility issues.
I just sought to be independent when younger, its the only thing I knew how to do.
Over the years my dad has expressed his frustration and overwhelm at having to do everything, all the driving, running about, finances, maintaining the house and garden etc etc.. He’s let off steam with me, he’s shouted in exasperation at my mum, more so when I was younger, as I remember trying to calm them both by making them laugh.
I am doing my best to support him in his recovery.
Life has felt quite lonely. I’ve not always felt like I fitted in at times. I’ve always been active and bust. As a youngster it was sports and hobbies and helping others.. and not much has changed I that respect.
I think I understand where you’re coming from with regards to the together feeling with A, and the loneliness after. I think a lot of the time my relationships have felt that way, I’ve put so much in, given so much of myself but it feels so lonely.. not sure that really makes any sense though?? However, I do crave that together feeling, even though my gut instinct may be telling me, as it has in the past, that something isn’t sitting right.
A wants me when it suits him.. which stirs up memories of most of my relationships being similar. I always seem to be seeking to please, seeking to prove my worth? I don’t know
I tried so hard to remain single, just over 3 years was good for me, and the majority of the time that was okay, i thought about dating occasionally, but having made so many mistakes/wrong choices, i chose not to date which led to feeling lonely at times. Then I hit a rough spot last year when my dad became unwell and met A at a vulnerable time. Maybe he could sense that? x
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