Home→Forums→Relationships→Feeling lonely and angry and helpless
- This topic has 10 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 5 months ago by
Sylvia.
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November 12, 2016 at 5:57 am #120159
Decima
ParticipantI feel your pain, having been in a somewhat similar situation myself, and my heart goes out to you.
You are clearly a highly sensitive person with a lot of empathy, and you want to heal his pain. The truth is that you can’t, and if you continue to stay in this relationship you will become more and more depressed yourself. He’s not capable of giving you what you need right now…he may never be capable, no matter how much of yourself you sacrifice. You are already feeling helpless and frustrated, trust me, those feelings will only get worse as time goes on. I say this to you from my own personal experience. I hope and pray that one day he will heal, but when and if, that day comes it is not in your hands. I hope you find the strength to consider your needs in all of this.
November 12, 2016 at 7:16 am #120162Anonymous
GuestDear xenia4:
You do not look for work outside the on-call evenings because you have a disability. What kind of disability, I don’t know. He is not looking for work outside the on-call evenings because, reads to me, he is suffering from a disability as well: anxiety. This is why he plays that game on his phone over and over again.
His history makes it clear that indeed, his anxiety is rooted in his disturbing childhood. You didn’t mention him having gone to psychotherapy. You wanted to heal him, or at least explore possibilities but all your efforts were “met with anger and denial”.
This means to me that he is suffering but prefers (as most people do) to not heal. He is managing his anxiety by adjusting his lifestyle to the anxiety: watching a lot of TV, spending time online and playing that game. He is very likely to continue this same lifestyle, for as long as it is possible.
So… this is it for you- this life with him, as it is. If you are able to accept him just as he is and express no criticism whatsoever, it is possible that he will open up to you more, like he did before. But if I was you, I wouldn’t expect much more than occasional personal conversations, at best.
Hope you post again.
anita
November 12, 2016 at 10:45 am #120184Sylvia
ParticipantThank you very much, Decima and Anita, for the time you took to respond to me. He has never gone and would never go to psychotherapy, although he did say he was open to going to couples’ counselling.
I do find that I’m criticising him more than ever – I’m like a pot that boils over and it’s all frustration. I realise that it just makes matters worse but it would be very difficult to stop doing that and suppress my rage.
Anita, thank you for shedding some light on his behaviour. He doesn’t come across as anxious, but quite easy-going, but I suppose his behaviour is indeed linked to anxiety. After he moved here, I discovered he had lied about a number of things, and one of them was that he had quit smoking many years ago. He was smoking behind my back and lying about it, and when I busted him he admitted that he’s an addict. He did quit last spring for fear of losing me, but I guess he has an addictive nature and all the devices he needs every moment has probably replaced the smoking.
Decima, I did have the courage to leave a miserable marriage after 21 years, forfeiting all my financial security. I was hoping this would be the last and best relationship of my life. It’s heartbreaking.November 12, 2016 at 11:48 am #120189Anonymous
GuestDear xenia4:
Your angry state indicates a change has to be made. Reads to me like this relationship needs to end. What else will calm that “pot that boils over”? Better not take tranquilizers or over drink alcohol so to achieve that!
That would mean losing the evenings on-call job.
You wrote that he doesn’t come across anxious, but easy going. I am guessing he is able to feel calm BECAUSE of his lifestyle. We have no greater motivation to not be anxious, so him achieving relative calm by his lifestyle means to me that there is no way whatsoever that he will change his lifestyle. It works for him.
His lifestyle works for him but it doesn’t work for you.
anita
November 16, 2016 at 9:14 pm #120533Decima
ParticipantSylvia, it can’t have been easy walking away from a 21 year marriage…you have more strength than you know. Keep working through things as best you can, at the end of the day that is all any of us can do. I hope you find some peace and happiness.
November 18, 2016 at 10:59 am #120668Sylvia
ParticipantAnita, there is no chance I’d use alcohol or sedative etc. I do take an antidepressant and a sleeping pill prescribed by my doctor. Thanks for replying again, Decima. I didn’t disclose all the details of this situation because you might think I’m crazy. I doubt very much that I have the strength to end the relationship. I’m 64 and have chronic disabling pain, so it’s not easy on a number of levels. My problem is how to be at peace with his lifestyle and try to make myself happy while living with him. I need to find a way to detach from the outcome, like Buddha does. and be at peace. I keep expecting him to change and I know that’s futile and just breeds resentment in him.
I’m always the one to make things happen – even something as simple as watching Netflix together. Or playing Scrabble, or going to karaoke. He told me that if he makes a suggestion I won’t be interested, but that’s not true. He’s never made one single suggestion since moving here. He just seems to be a very passive person. And, when irritated, very passive-aggressive.
So, the past two nights, instead of suggesting something, as soon as he starts playing his phone game or putting on his headphones and getting immersed for hours in sportsnet, I retire to the bedroom to have a bath, read my book, etc. I’ll wait for him to reach out to me and suggest we do something together…. I doubt that will happen because he never does come to the bedroom to find me. When he’s alone and doing something escapist, he’s in his happy place. And that alienates me, but I’ll just have to get used to it.November 18, 2016 at 11:16 am #120669Anonymous
GuestDear Sylvia:
If what you want is: “to be at peace with his lifestyle..to find a way to detach from the outcome”- then what you did in the last two nights: ” I retire to the bedroom to have a bath, read my book, etc. I’ll wait for him to reach out to me and suggest we do something together… “- that is not detaching and not promoting the peace of mind you are looking for.
If you retire to the bedroom and NOT wait for him to reach out to you, have no such hope and no such expectation, then that will be detaching from outcomes and having a peace of mind.
anita
November 19, 2016 at 1:11 am #120697Sylvia
ParticipantAnita – yes, on reflection, you are right. That will take a bit of work for me to accomplish!
November 19, 2016 at 2:53 am #120698Mishika
ParticipantHi Sylvia,
After reading your story, all I could think of is that his past has not been too great and he really need somebody who could understand him and deal with his mood swings. If you really want to be with him than you would really need to keep a a lot of patience and definitely not judge him for anything that he does to understand him better .
But as you said you are losing self respect for him and are not able to love him than you need to discuss everything you feel with him and take a decision whatever you both think is right for you guys.
You must read this what happens when we love a person and what happens when we start hating that same person?
http://www.magicalvibe.com/love-is-the-beauty/
Mishika 🙂November 24, 2016 at 12:30 pm #121053Sylvia
ParticipantHi Mishika,
I’m sorry I didn’t respond sooner, but the notification was in my spam folder so I didn’t realize your had posted. I appreciate your input very much, and I read the article, and other articles referenced on that website, and it has helped my peace of mind already.
I went for counselling and will be going again, and he’s agreed to go too, which is positive. I’m looking for healing for my own troublesome emotions which are manifested in a lot of physical pain. I can’t see him opening up about his own emotions, which he’s been
keeping buried for, I suspect, most of his life. However, we both wanted this to be our last (and hopefully) best relationship, and I’m willing to work on that – he says he’s willing too, but whether he’s capable of it might be a different story. -
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