Thanks for writing. Yes that is true. This morning I texted him and said I can no longer participate in this dynamic and I wish him well and blocked him. Then I bought a book on narcissist and codependent relationships and who to truly be able to see myself and heal. I ha e a Similar dynamic with all men in my life and I’m tired of it and need a change. I feel a lot better today and after I blocked him.

The dynamic is like the men are strong and independent and not giving me all the love and attention I want so I just sit there with my lip out  crying and feeling anxious. I have a 3 yr old and I can’t keep acting like a desperate little kid myself anymore. I need to love and honor myself and I try so hard to learn how to do it but I still have the feeling all the time of being sad and anxious bc Ifeel unloved. Same thing w all my boyfriends and husband. Probably parents too but I kind of block that out.

Yes this wounding is something I realized a few months ago but am still “fully” realizing it. It’s a slow process especially bc my parents are still in my life.

Thank you so much, Anita. I started crying when I read this comment from you. My emotions are getting the best of me. I can’t sleep and lost weight and didn’t go to work yesterday and am work now but just close the door and cry. I feel sooo sad. And angry. I feel like the man who I had the affair with, “S,” targeted me and I let him. I told him all of my most intimate secrets and fears, and I felt like he was the first man who ever SAW me and that we had a spiritual connection. And now I realize it was a fake manipulation in order to conquer me. He groomed me. And I am a trusting and loving and generous and soulful person and I opened up so much to him. I was separated from my husband and the relationship was abusive so I was extra raw and vulnerable. I told him about abuse I suffered in the past, and how I felt like a bunny and the men were predators like wolves and I didn’t feel safe. I opened up to him because I need my heart to stay open and pure and trusting and I can’t let it shut down from being hurt. He reassured me and comforted me but really he was preying on me the whole time. It makes me feel so scared and unsafe and like people are going to prey on me and I can’t keep myself safe. I think I’m reverting to a child right now. I am sobbing at the keyboard at work hoping no one hears me.

I want to make this painful experience into a learning experience, especially because I am about to move back in w/ my  husband. I don’t want to make the same mistakes that led to our unhealthy dynamic. I have been reading a lot about narcissism and co-dependents and find it very very familiar to my experiences. I know deep within there is a wound that is so deep it is probably in my DNA. I don’t know what to do with this knowledge. My parents never honored me as an individual when I was a kid and are both narcissistic and codependent.

“Perceptive children will also pick up on the emotional vulnerability of their parents. They will compliment their parent or try to be a perfect reflection of them. They hope that taking care of mom or dad will shore the parent up enough so he or she can eventually get back to taking care of them. With all of that care directed at parents, these children will likely lose touch with their own emotions and needs.”

I read this today and it explained what things were like with me, but my parents were often angry and disappointed and I think us kids were trying to assuage them at our expense. I don’t know how to explore the dynamics with my parents. I just remember the painful times in my childhood when I felt unloved? So what will that do besides make me feel anger at them? Are my memories even accurate? I understand on an intellectual level that relationships w/ my parents made me have some codependent and probably narcissistic behaviors, but how do I turn the intellectual knowledge into a felt experience of awareness, compassion, change and healing inside me?

I have an appt w/ my therapist next week. She’s great. I need to go more often.

Thank you for that interesting suggestion regarding speaking from a child’s place. My first reaction was like yeah I could do that, easy, then I started to and my brain wouldn’t even let me complete one sentence because I felt too scared and vulnerable. Not because it’s a public forum, but because it feels so scary and powerless to go to that place.

i feel scared

my mom is mean

my mom is crying

my dad is mean

my dad is kicking stuff around

i feel frozen

i dont know how to move

i hope they leave me alone

i hope they dont pick at me

i just want to color and play outside

my brother is crying

my dad is so mean to him

i wish he’d leave him alone

but at least its not me

why is my mom  crying

why is she slapping me

i have to hide

i have to be quiet

i have to shut down

i have to be tough

I have to fight

im so mad

i hate everyone

no ones gonna hurt me

ill run away

ill be alone

ill be scared

Ill be small

ill run around the forest and pretend im a fairy

ill eat sticks and grass and someone

an angel maybe will come save me

Thank you Anita. You are wise.

This exercise brought to light my habit of dissociation. And also just being confused and clueless as to what is going on in the adults world and how that is so scary. How I felt like I was a bad kid. And felt so misunderstood and unsupported. I guess it’s like what I’m used to. Feeling sad and anxious and wanting and grasping and waiting for some guy to give me approval and attention. I t is definitely a habit ingrained in my brain. I have some insight and try to shake myself out of it. I know it is a process but in the meantime I want to lessen any damage I do to myself and other people, esp my son. Maybe I should write letters or imagine scenarios where I’m comforting the little girl me. I’ve done it before but maybe more of hat will help that connection between her and me grow.