Home→Forums→Relationships→Feeling helpless… any advice would be appreciated
- This topic has 9 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 2 months ago by John.
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October 4, 2016 at 9:41 am #117157mountaindewParticipant
Hey everyone,
I’ve been feeling so hopeless and sad the past two weeks, so I decide to share my story. Any ideas or opinions will be appreciated.We met in my country(in asia) while he was doing his exchange semester here. We fell hard for each other and when he was leaving at the end of the semester, we decided to continue the relationship because I was planning to do my master in europe even before we met. So, we were together for about a year and a half(one year in long distance). During this one year of long distance, we managed to see each other four times despite the distance. But we often had arguments mostly because of the whole texting thing. I wanted to text often(every few hours) but he said texting is not really his thing. We tried several times to compromise and change but after few weeks, we went back to the same and had arguments again. I have a bad habit of saying “let’s break up then” whenever we had big arguments and he always told me let’s continue to try and stay together. But I never really got rid of that horrible habit… But whenever we met and spent time together, we barely had arguments.
This summer, I visited him in his country and spent one month with his friends, family, and relatives. He even saved up and prepared nice surprise activities for us to do together. We had some small arguments, but he assured me that those arguments happen because we weren’t used to spend 24/7 together. Anyway, I got back to my country on sunday and in the following week, we had two arguments(I’ll summarize them). On wednesday he said, he really has to pass this year(his master thesis) and that he doesn’t want to have a period of arguing often again. I said if you already think that period is coming, then maybe we should end this now(I know I’m horrible). He said he doesn’t want to break up and just wants to stay together and graduate.
We were okay, and then on saturday, we had another argument but this time I knew it was due to my fault. I apologized and then asked him if he has something to apologize too even though I knew he didn’t do anything wrong. He said he has nothing to apologize, and I again said let’s break up if you’re not gonna apologize. He said, “Are you sure? It’s too late for you. Shouldn’t you sleep on this? You know you’ve said this before and took them back the next day.” I said, “Okay, think about if there’s anything to apologize and let me know tomorrow”, which I meant “think about this argument, nothing more”. He said “Okay, but it won’t change tomorrow”. Then I started insulting him with things that had nothing to do with what we were talking about. He asked me what is the purpose of saying these things to him and if I’m just trying to hurt him because I got hurt too. I said, I’m just telling you the truth. He said okay. We both went to sleep.
The next day, he sent me a long message that basically says “This is not going to work out. We keep trying but we don’t change. So we argue and hurt each other and say very bad things. It will be difficult in the beginning but better for both of us in the end because we want different things. You want someone who can support you can text you often. I want to be free and not have a lot of responsibilities, and don’t want to think far ahead in the future” He also said “I can’t be with someone who is religious, this is a reason too” The second reason confused me a lot because it was out of the blue.
Anyway, I was so shocked because I never thought he would break up like that. So I called and asked him. He told me “he doens’t see a future anymore, he doesn’t want to have a serious relationship anymore, and we want different things”. I asked him “How can you change so quickly?(Few days ago, he was excited that I’m finally moving to europe next month and talked about when we should meet next month. Few weeks ago, he talked about moving in together, having a family together, and me doing a semester abroad in his country) He simply said “Because I can”. Then, I started pleading him if we can just try how it goes when I move to europe in three weeks. I said I depended my happiness too much on him until now, but things will be better between us once we live closer to each other and once I’m happier in europe. But he just kept telling me he doesn’t want to try anymore. I said okay and hung up the phone.
I didn’t send any messages, calls, or emails after I hung up the phone, but about 4 hours later, I found out that he blocked me on everything (whatsapp, facebook, etc). I was shocked because he never did that before and I didn’t bombard him with any messages or calls. Anyway, I’ve been devastated. We broke up exactly one week after spending one month holiday together. We hung in there for one year when things were tough because I was going to move to europe this month. But we broke up three weeks before I finally move to europe and finally be closer together.
I just feel very hurt and hopeless. I thought about myself and the relationship a lot and I realized that I tried to control him too much just because I felt insecure because of the distance. I also realized that I never worked on my anger issue and said mean things almost whenever I got angry. But I feel like I have zero chance of getting him back…
This was a wakeup call for me. I know I should just move on and start fresh but I just want to try one more time when I move to europe. I’m moving there in a week. We will be 3-4 hours away from each other. I’m aware of my mistakes and really willing to be different this time. But he blocked me everywhere and I don’t know how to reach him anymore. I thought about writing him a letter(apologies and things I want to thank him for) and maybe surprise visit him and give the letter to him. But I’m not sure what to do, I know surprise visits are not a good idea but I also want to try with everything I got so that I don’t regret later. I also thought about sending him a casual postcard. I’m just really confused. It’s been a bit more than two weeks since we broke up and havent spoken to each other. I keep hoping that he changes his mind and contacts me, but I also know it’s not going to happen. I just feel so hopeless. I just want one more chance once I move to europe next week.
Thank you for reading my long story and any advice.
- This topic was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by mountaindew.
October 4, 2016 at 11:38 am #117174AnonymousGuestDear mountaindew:
You wrote that his ending the relationship with you (after you suggested it to him on a regular basis when angry), was a wake up call for you.
A wake up call, means you were somewhat asleep and now you are awake: seeing and understanding things you didn’t see and understand before.
What are those things you now see and understand for the first time: can you elaborate?
anita
October 4, 2016 at 11:51 am #117176mountaindewParticipantDear Anita,
Of the many things I realized from this break up, I realized how hurtful and wrong to say those things especially to someone who loves me and I love. I knew it was wrong but I never fully realized how much those things can hurt him… Although I don’t want to admit, those behaviors were manipulative and very hurtful.
I also realized that I focused too much on unnecessary things. I tried to hold our relationship together by obsessing with how often we text or call. I failed to see it as a big picture and focus on the good things(how he was always there to listen to me, patient with me, etc).
I know I already messed it up. I know I should leave him alone since he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore. But I just want one last chance to try because I never realized of my mistakes until now, and I’m really willing to be different this time.
October 4, 2016 at 12:21 pm #117179AnonymousGuestDear mountaindew:
You stated what you learned, in the post above, very clearly, showing what is to me, impressive clarity of thinking. You may have had that clarity before but your anger kept rearing its head, triggering you to behave with him in the ways that you had. But now, since he did end the relationship, you are no longer angry, not at this point, so you have this clarity.
My question is: if you did have a second chance with him, do you think that your past anger at him will not rear its head again, so to speak? And if it did, how would you handle it then (if you had a second chance)?
anita
October 4, 2016 at 12:43 pm #117183mountaindewParticipantDear Anita,
Thank you for asking these specific questions to me. It helps me think more deeply into a specific area. I posted about my situation on some other websites too, and I only got harsh(but probably true) replies which made me feel even worse than I did before.
If I’m super lucky and get a second chance with him, I don’t think and I won’t get mad just because I don’t like that things are not my way. Even if I do get angry, I will choose to take a short moment to breathe and think of it in his perspective instead of expressing my anger right away and saying mean things.
People tell me it’s over and I should leave him alone for god’s sake and that I don’t deserve a second chance and he’s not going to give me one. But because I’m now aware of what I have to fix(I started working on them) and because I will be finally closer to where he lives, I just want to ask for that second chance even though I know it’s very unlikely to happen.
Mountaindew
- This reply was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by mountaindew.
October 4, 2016 at 1:17 pm #117187AnonymousGuestDear Mountaindew:
Planning on taking a deep breath before responding to him in a mean way is a good plan, a good start of a plan. You wrote that you “started working on” what you need to fix about your behavior and I agree: you started and there is a way to go. If you got that second chance, following the initial enthusiasm, the anger is likely to come back as well as the old habits of being abusive and manipulative.
Do you deserve him (you brought it up)- you deserve a good man and he deserves a good woman. Both.
Your experience with him does not make you undeserving; it just makes you needing to heal.
If he gave you another chance and you proceeded (following the initial enthusiasm) to abuse him, and he then leaves you (as he should)- then you will be in a more difficult situation than you are now. Your guilt will be heavier. It will be more difficult for you to forgive yourself.
Should you contact him once you are back in Europe- I would say this: no. Not until- and if- you do more healing on yourself. That would be the responsible thing to do.
If you heal extensively and your healing proved to be in effect over time (psychotherapy, perhaps?), then you can contact him, having something to show him: your healing in practice, over time.
anita
October 5, 2016 at 2:15 am #117233JohnParticipantMountaindew – From what you describe of yourself, you remind me very much of my wife’s behaviour from 35 years ago during the early part of our relationship. I have posted on this website under the title of “Emotionally Abused Man”. I would encourage you to read the first input of mine so you can perhaps gain some insight into what can happen over the longer term, when there is great imbalance in the relationship. That said, different people are involved so the outcome is going to be different, especially now you have started to look deep inside yourself as to how you have handled and influenced your relationship.
October 5, 2016 at 6:42 am #117249mountaindewParticipantDear Anita,
Thank you for your advice again. I’ve been also thinking that it’s better not to contact him soon after I move to europe. It’s better to work on myself, settle down in a new city, and when I truly improved myself, I will contact him.
I know this is up to me, but could you perhaps tell me what you think is better way to reach him? I think about sending a casual postcard, or an apology letter. What do you think about a surprise visit?
Thank you again.Mountaindew
October 5, 2016 at 9:51 am #117262AnonymousGuestDear mountaindrew:
I don’t like the idea of a surprise visit- it feels wrong to me. Definitely feels like a bad idea to me.
A casual postcard- not as bad as an idea but not a good one either.
An apology letter- a better idea than the above two. In such a letter I would include your intent to work on yourself further, what kind of work that would be (psychotherapy?). I wouldn’t make any promises in such a letter (like promise you will never behave the way you have if he accepted you back into his life) and I wouldn’t beg for him to take you back. I would detail to him what you did wrong. Not why, just what and how that was wrong to be done to him.
Post again, anytime.
anita
October 5, 2016 at 11:02 pm #117312JohnParticipantDear Mountaindew – I am impressed by your self analysis and you seem to have great insight into your behaviour. It’s as if you are now an observer from the outside looking back at the behaviour of a different person. I am sure this will help you in your healing and self-development. Please could you help me with my understanding. When you were behaving badly (anger, control and other negativity) what was driving this in you? What were you trying to achieve? Why didn’t you want your friend to have the freedom to be himself? Presumably, what drives this is the cause of your relationship problems.
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