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Feeling helpless… any advice would be appreciated

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Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)
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  • October 4, 2016 at 11:38 am #117174
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear mountaindew:

    You wrote that his ending the relationship with you (after you suggested it to him on a regular basis when angry), was a wake up call for you.

    A wake up call, means you were somewhat asleep and now you are awake: seeing and understanding things you didn’t see and understand before.

    What are those things you now see and understand for the first time: can you elaborate?

    anita

    October 4, 2016 at 11:51 am #117176
    mountaindew
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Of the many things I realized from this break up, I realized how hurtful and wrong to say those things especially to someone who loves me and I love. I knew it was wrong but I never fully realized how much those things can hurt him… Although I don’t want to admit, those behaviors were manipulative and very hurtful.

    I also realized that I focused too much on unnecessary things. I tried to hold our relationship together by obsessing with how often we text or call. I failed to see it as a big picture and focus on the good things(how he was always there to listen to me, patient with me, etc).

    I know I already messed it up. I know I should leave him alone since he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore. But I just want one last chance to try because I never realized of my mistakes until now, and I’m really willing to be different this time.

    October 4, 2016 at 12:21 pm #117179
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear mountaindew:

    You stated what you learned, in the post above, very clearly, showing what is to me, impressive clarity of thinking. You may have had that clarity before but your anger kept rearing its head, triggering you to behave with him in the ways that you had. But now, since he did end the relationship, you are no longer angry, not at this point, so you have this clarity.

    My question is: if you did have a second chance with him, do you think that your past anger at him will not rear its head again, so to speak? And if it did, how would you handle it then (if you had a second chance)?

    anita

    October 4, 2016 at 12:43 pm #117183
    mountaindew
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for asking these specific questions to me. It helps me think more deeply into a specific area. I posted about my situation on some other websites too, and I only got harsh(but probably true) replies which made me feel even worse than I did before.

    If I’m super lucky and get a second chance with him, I don’t think and I won’t get mad just because I don’t like that things are not my way. Even if I do get angry, I will choose to take a short moment to breathe and think of it in his perspective instead of expressing my anger right away and saying mean things.

    People tell me it’s over and I should leave him alone for god’s sake and that I don’t deserve a second chance and he’s not going to give me one. But because I’m now aware of what I have to fix(I started working on them) and because I will be finally closer to where he lives, I just want to ask for that second chance even though I know it’s very unlikely to happen.

    Mountaindew

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by mountaindew.
    October 4, 2016 at 1:17 pm #117187
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mountaindew:

    Planning on taking a deep breath before responding to him in a mean way is a good plan, a good start of a plan. You wrote that you “started working on” what you need to fix about your behavior and I agree: you started and there is a way to go. If you got that second chance, following the initial enthusiasm, the anger is likely to come back as well as the old habits of being abusive and manipulative.

    Do you deserve him (you brought it up)- you deserve a good man and he deserves a good woman. Both.

    Your experience with him does not make you undeserving; it just makes you needing to heal.

    If he gave you another chance and you proceeded (following the initial enthusiasm) to abuse him, and he then leaves you (as he should)- then you will be in a more difficult situation than you are now. Your guilt will be heavier. It will be more difficult for you to forgive yourself.

    Should you contact him once you are back in Europe- I would say this: no. Not until- and if- you do more healing on yourself. That would be the responsible thing to do.

    If you heal extensively and your healing proved to be in effect over time (psychotherapy, perhaps?), then you can contact him, having something to show him: your healing in practice, over time.

    anita

    October 5, 2016 at 2:15 am #117233
    John
    Participant

    Mountaindew – From what you describe of yourself, you remind me very much of my wife’s behaviour from 35 years ago during the early part of our relationship. I have posted on this website under the title of “Emotionally Abused Man”. I would encourage you to read the first input of mine so you can perhaps gain some insight into what can happen over the longer term, when there is great imbalance in the relationship. That said, different people are involved so the outcome is going to be different, especially now you have started to look deep inside yourself as to how you have handled and influenced your relationship.

    October 5, 2016 at 6:42 am #117249
    mountaindew
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for your advice again. I’ve been also thinking that it’s better not to contact him soon after I move to europe. It’s better to work on myself, settle down in a new city, and when I truly improved myself, I will contact him.
    I know this is up to me, but could you perhaps tell me what you think is better way to reach him? I think about sending a casual postcard, or an apology letter. What do you think about a surprise visit?
    Thank you again.

    Mountaindew

    October 5, 2016 at 9:51 am #117262
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear mountaindrew:

    I don’t like the idea of a surprise visit- it feels wrong to me. Definitely feels like a bad idea to me.

    A casual postcard- not as bad as an idea but not a good one either.

    An apology letter- a better idea than the above two. In such a letter I would include your intent to work on yourself further, what kind of work that would be (psychotherapy?). I wouldn’t make any promises in such a letter (like promise you will never behave the way you have if he accepted you back into his life) and I wouldn’t beg for him to take you back. I would detail to him what you did wrong. Not why, just what and how that was wrong to be done to him.

    Post again, anytime.

    anita

    October 5, 2016 at 11:02 pm #117312
    John
    Participant

    Dear Mountaindew – I am impressed by your self analysis and you seem to have great insight into your behaviour. It’s as if you are now an observer from the outside looking back at the behaviour of a different person. I am sure this will help you in your healing and self-development. Please could you help me with my understanding. When you were behaving badly (anger, control and other negativity) what was driving this in you? What were you trying to achieve? Why didn’t you want your friend to have the freedom to be himself? Presumably, what drives this is the cause of your relationship problems.

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