Feeling doomed, feeling helpless.

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This topic has 4 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 9 months ago by Big blue.

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July 4, 2014 at 8:51 pm #60223
John
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Hi Anthony,

The chapter of your life with this woman has come to a close. By your account, this ended when her drug use became a problem. You got that out of your life, and that is a good thing.

Now you think about all the good times and good parts of her, physically and personality. This is normal. You might have a hard time finding someone who doesn’t know how this goes. Love interests who had so much going for them, but had at one or more red flags/deal breakers. Then you start wondering ‘what if I just tough it out, maybe it’ll be ok’. Following through with this WILL lead you down a destructive path. You will basically condition yourself into believing that the relationship is ok, even though it’s not. You will train yourself to accept pain, then a little more, then a little more, just to be with her. You’ll believe that things are just about to turn a corner. A light at the end of the tunnel. You’ll feel it coming. But it never comes. It will drive you crazy. The cycle then repeats. I don’t know everything about relationships, but this is not what you want. If I may be bold, we all want someone with the good stuff (physically and mentally), the out of this world chemistry, no destructive baggage, and they WANT TO BE WITH US. She is destructive AND clearly does not want to be with you. If she wants to be with you under a condition, like, you allow her to move back in, then that does not count. Healthy relationships are about two people who want to enjoy each others’ company without conditions.

I’m not going to sugar coat things and say ‘you will find someone better’. The future is uncertain and nothing is guaranteed.

But holding onto this girl will guarantee that you will not experience the relationship you really want. Even if a fantastic match is right in front of you, you might not even notice it if your focus is latched onto this girl who has moved on.

Close the chapter. Remember the good parts. Leave it be. Learn the lessons. Move on.

Hope this helps!
- This reply was modified 10 years, 9 months ago by John.
July 4, 2014 at 11:26 pm #60229

Matt
Participant

Anthony,

I’m sorry for your loss, and can understand the gravity ex partners can have on us. I assume you’ve heard lots and lots of opinions, so instead, consider a little stick. She was addicted to drugs, and you are addicted to her. Her drama, the way she pulled you into highs and lows. Yearning for the high “missing the rush of her”, vomiting at the low “disgust at her choices”.

So… without her there to obsess over, who are you? Nobody? No clue, right? Don’t despair brother, that’s just what happens to people who have succumbed to addiction. We sometimes get a little lost along the way.

To regain some inner stability, stop obsessing, you have to give her up. A blossom that faded, fell away, past. Turned addicted, dramatic, unhealthy, an enabler and an addict, an addict and an enabler. Let it go, you have bigger needs in need of your precious attention.

The good news is that the path of recovery can be quite fun. Its time to relearn what you like in this world without her, in body or as an obsession. Grieve the loss, and move on, into your hobbies and other interests. If you don’t have any, or they’re tasteless, consider finding some new ones. If you can volunteer your time helping others, even better. A win-win hobby, as helping others grows contentedness quickly.

Namaste, brother, may you give it up, take a look around, and find the fun in being you.

With warmth,
Matt

July 5, 2014 at 4:19 am #60237

Anthony
Participant

Thank you for the heart-felt responses guys. Sometimes I am disgusted with myself because I’m so consumed by this that I don’t take a look around me and appreciate what I have. I have easily wasted weeks of time being within my own mind and not cherishing moments given to me. The people who are here for me and really care become background to my obsession with this. Its awful of me and I have been trying to make efforts to take hold of moments before those too are gone.

July 5, 2014 at 3:11 pm #60254

Big blue
Participant

Hi Anthony,

John and Matt gave good advice.

I’ve been in a relationship where borh our addictive personalities melded. It us very hard to resolve. You realized this and have taken good steps.

The emotional heat and chemistry can continue as long as you stay in touch with her. You have been co-dependent also, and this pulls you back.

Best to use time and space to take a break from her. Stay away and get busy. You might stop tslking about her also. This will be a very hard process, so hang in there.

Big blue
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