Hello,

I am new to this forum and I am trying to reach out for as much input as I can find on the subject of “extreme difficulty getting over an ex-lover.” In my case this person would be my ex-girlfriend. I have seen another topic like this, so at least I know that I am not alone and I don’t feel as crazy about it. I want to get my voice out there so anyone else can feel the same way (not alone). Life is definitely unforgiving and it’s not concerned about what people want or need. Sometimes I feel like I want to disappear and not have to face this pain anymore. My parents don’t know I feel this way but some of my friends do. Anyone in my family would be very heartbroken to hear that I value my life less because of a woman. It is selfish, I recognize that. I am not entitled to anything or anyone in this world.

I have seen therapists on a few occasions and it always becomes too expensive and doesn’t seem to help me. Nothing seems to help and I suppose this message may not help either. Everyone has given me advice and I have tried to consider everything. I have tried to attack this from all angles possible. It is THE toughest battle in my life and yet I know there are tougher battles ahead of me.

My friends are all at their wits end with this and have started treating me like a drug addict. My good friend “J” just said to me “I don’t want to hear about her anymore, I’m not here to talk about this anymore.” My co-worker said jokingly “That’s what we’re all here for isn’t it? So you can get your ex back!” My best friend “C” is at the point where “This subject is dead to me.” And finally my Mom says “Nobody can truly help you, this is all within you to change.” And I totally get it, it’s like intervention. Nobody is engaging with this anymore except me.

I met my ex in October of 2010 and I haven’t seen her since November of 2013. For the first half of our relationship I had the best time of my life. It was amazing, everything I could want in a relationship (at that time). Unfortunately she brought on board a drug habit which consisted of prescription pain killers. Her “go-to” was a synthetic opiate called Tramadol. She was getting these through a doctor legally for her arthritis. Since she has a medical issue I felt bad and I could understand that she was sort of kicked into this but some see it as her crutch. On top of that, she had some Vicodin and Percocets from either that same doctor or some dealing with friends. This crept into our relationship and finally became a big problem. She ended up quitting her job and selling her medication for money. She lived with my parents and I, which was a first for us, letting someone into our family like that. I would come home from work and she would progressively become lazier and sleep a lot of the day. We were unknowingly enablers. I practically forced her to try nursing school but she quickly failed the screening before the semester ended. She had an overdose in front of my parents around Christmas 2011 in the form of a seizure and hospitalization. My own Mom cradled her head while she was having it. My Mom is an ER nurse of 30+ years so she knew what to do. It was just a mess and I am trying to keep this on the shorter side.

It was about 7 months of dealing with this when I finally had enough in April of 2012, broke it off, and kicked her out of the house and back to her parents. That day I brought her some applications and some breakfast and she ignored the applications. I thought this was the logical decision since I could not help her anymore. Even my Dad said to her that he was there for her and all she did was blame me for telling him anything that was going on. I just didn’t want this on my back, especially if something happened to her and I knew about her problem. Was that the right thing to do, to tell anyone her business? This is one thing she cannot get over when it comes to me. Her secret was not so secret, since we were all there in the hospital after she had a seizure from Tramadol.

At this point we began the off and on phase. I can’t even tell you how many times we were up and down. She ended up using heroin and eluded to the fact that me breaking it off was part of the reason. She lost a ton of weight, ended up getting infected by needles, and eventually I found a burnt spoon. I found a baggy of heroin next to a needle in October of 2013, less than a year ago. So her plea of “I am quitting” every month or so was not believable. She was seeing other men but always came back to me because “You are the best” she would say. She wanted me to move out with her so bad and I would have, hadn’t it been for all the chaos of drugs. She even stooped so low to seek a sugar daddy for some quick cash. I just couldn’t move forward on levels she wanted, as if it were a band-aid to the relationship. I wanted her to fix herself before being with me. Which is a source of guilt that I have.

Should I have stuck it out with her? Should I have loved her and stayed by her side? Is that what commitment and true love is all about? You vow “In sickness and in health” on the altar. If that was the way I felt about her, then I never should have kicked her out right? This is a part of my battle.

What could I possibly see in her, right? Well that’s just it, the positive side was so positive, that in my mind it makes this all the toughest thing for me to get over. I really did want her to be my wife. We were best friends, not just lovers. I miss my best friend! She had all the right qualities outside of this drug habit. She was so sweet and affectionate to me, beyond anyone else had ever been. She was so happy to do things with me and was the sweetest in many ways. She was sexually the greatest person I had ever been with, completely TOXIC. She opened me up to new places and experiences. We were definitely companions. My continuous argument with everyone is “She can change, anyone is capable of changing.” I can’t stop obsessing over her looks; her dresses, her eyes, everything!

It seems she has indeed changed now but I do not know this 100%. I am not a part of her life anymore. Since I would not agree to her request to live together last fall, she moved on to meet someone else. She goes everywhere and does everything with this guy just like we use to. She left me in the closet, locked it, and has not returned. I feel abandoned but I feel like she is happy and that’s O.K. with me. I wanted her to be the happiest she could ever be and maybe this is where she needs to be. Maybe I was the final straw to get her to change even if it meant a sacrifice on my part. She wants a clean slate, I get that. Our relationship is tied up with baggage. I feel like if she loved me more than anything, as she claimed, she would try and try again no matter what to stay together. Then I remember how I broke it off.

I find myself just ready to cry all day, for months. We do talk once in a while and sometimes I feel good because I hear her voice and she sounds alright. Then she tells me about her latest experiences with this man and there is a knife driven into my heart. Is this on purpose? “You bark up the wrong tree” my friend “J” tells me. Is my face being rubbed into shit because I “passed up the offer?” Yet, sometimes in the conversation she eludes to missing me and thinking of me and that I am still her greatest love. Just this past Monday she arrived to her new home with her new boyfriend. It is just another blow to my heart. I feel like I lost out on her and I could have toughed it out with her. I would be in this new man’s position. Nobody seems to agree with me. They all say she is going to drag this man through the same things, eventually. I just feel like he is the luckiest dude right now. It’s the holiday weekend and they are in a new home together, celebrating new love. One half of me is happy that she is seemingly happy. The other half is a shredded mess of jealousy, sadness, hurt, anger, and guilt.

My heart hurts every day. I am lost, and I feel like my love life is over. I am seeing a new woman who is very sweet and a good person, but it is just not the same. Its terrible of me to judge, compare, and have expectations. I am a wreck, really, this haunts me. I just wish it would stop.

Thanks for reading,

Anthony

• This topic was modified 10 years, 9 months ago by Anthony.