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Feeling disconnected

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Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • July 22, 2013 at 3:51 pm #39063
    coruja
    Participant

    Hello friends from Tiny Buddha,

    I’m going through some tough times and I feel completely disconnected of everything.

    I’m 31 was going to get married and my fiancé broke up with me a month and a half before the wedding. He has his own issues of control and opening up and said he felt it wasn’t the right time for it. I have been dedicating myself to this relationship for the past three years, I left my life waiting because of it, because of the sacrifices I had to made for it (different countries).

    I left everything I had for the wedding (I was going to move to his country). My house, my job, my plans. Now I’m stuck in my parent’s house with nothing and I feel so lost. I already had so many issues before this and now it’s just getting worse.

    I always had to deal with a really harsh self-criticism, anxiety, depression sometimes, a complete lack of professional focus (I left my job, but it’s not like I have a career waiting for me to go back to) and a huge sense of disconnection. It’s so difficult for me to connect with anything or anyone. I just can’t make connections with people and recently I have even been avoiding my own friends, because I’m so tired of the obvious, common sense advice they keep giving to me (men are jerks, just forget about your boyfriend and move on, you have a bright future ahead), I can’t make a connection with my parents (it’s not just an age gap, it’s like we belong to completely different worlds) and it feels so lonely.

    I sit here all day either thinking really sad things (trying to figure out what have I done to bring all this mess to my life, trying to find my share of guilt, the parts of me that are not right so I can fix it, so I can be happier in the future) or either trying to forget everything by watching too much tv or playing too much video games.
    I just feel really lonely and lost. My fiancé had issues but at least he listened to me, now no one does anymore, it’s like people just don’t want to handle anyone’s pain, maybe it reminds them too much of their own, I don’t know.

    July 22, 2013 at 4:38 pm #39066
    Matt
    Participant

    Coruja,

    I’m so sorry for the difficulties you’ve been having lately, it sucks when all the plans crumble and dreams fade. When we take in to account the self criticism and missing loving support, its no wonder your heart aches so much! There is always a path back to joy if we have the courage to jump in and try something new, but it takes time.

    How long has it been since the breakup? One of my teachers told me that when we go through big losses it is important to make the space to let them heal. Rather than “figuring it all out” or cycling into negative emotions, we self nurture. Meditation is great, creative hobbies, exercise, playing with friends, baths, soft music, writing… things that help us soften the pain and rekindle our glow.

    Playing video games and TV are OK, but in my experience they can be a distraction, which is fine if you need to laugh or cry… but if you’re trying to avoid the painfulness, it might be suppressing your feelings. Consider a Zen trick… scream into a pillow, flail around, act goofy, jump up and down… anything to get the energy moving again.

    Part of what seems to be holding you back is the feeling of loss. If the grief is somewhat settled, then perhaps you can see that you have a nearly clean slate. Now that you don’t have any material goals in place, you can turn your energy inward and rediscover who Coruja is, and where her unique desires and likes will take her. I once heard someone say “In life, there is no real death… only birth after birth.” A chapter came to a close with a twist ending, but the next chapter flows from the pen in your hand.

    Ajahn Jayasaro has a great series on YouTube that talks about meditation, which may help you pull out of some of the cycles. I wish you had people who held you and comforted you instead of offering fortune cookie wisdom (or Cosmo advice column wisdom) but if wishes were fishes, no? 🙂 Instead, you’re stuck like a hermit with few heartfelt connections, and all this inner chaos to settle. Meditation can really help, its one of the most amazing forms of self-nurturing.

    Another thing that came to heart is that sometimes a hermit goes into the mountain cave to get some distance between herself and the world. That way, she can be sure that what is in the cave is only what she brings with her. As a period of reflection and settling, it deepens intuition and wisdom. The hermit learns that the cave is dark without the inner fire burning, and that she is the light and inspiration she was looking for. Said differently, the pain of isolation only lasts until we figure out how to be the light we seek, and then the cave is just a cave. When she’s sees that, she leaves the cave more alert to the beauty around and within her.

    It is my heartfelt hope that you find some peace and inspiration. You’re not alone… there is a small but heartfelt community here at tinybuddha, and lots of great hearts to reach to. Namaste, my distant sister!

    With warmth,
    Matt

    July 22, 2013 at 8:57 pm #39072
    Neuman
    Participant

    Matt That was beautifully said!
    I can feel your pain and emptiness Coruja.
    The loss of time, career and learning that to give up yourself for the benefit of starting a family was really not the answer to making the relationship work.
    Even as bad as we want it to work.
    I am new to this site but was divinely led her a couple of months back.
    It seems that whenever I visit there is something that I take away that that touches my life thru another persons post.
    My heart reaches out to you Coruja.
    Feel the love that we bring to this forum and use it to kindle the flame in the cave.

    Matt thank you for your post.
    John

    July 23, 2013 at 3:29 pm #39102
    coruja
    Participant

    Matt and John, thank you so much for your caring and loving asnwers. To be able to talk about my feelings freely and to be heard means the world for me, so I really appreciate that you took the time to send me such caring messages.

    In answer to your question, Matt, it has been only two months since the breakup, which means my wedding was supposed to have happened last week. I know it is too soon and that I’m still grieving all my losses, but it’s been really hard because of the lack of support.
    I read somewhere that I should do the things that make me happy, that nurture me, so I decided to travel to a place I really like, alone, because I like traveling. The trip was bittersweet and I had fun but in the end I felt like I was just avoiding my feelings. Sometimes I feel like I don’t even know how to self nurture because I don’t even know what is good for me or what I truly want. I spent so long wanting my relationship to work and that was all I wanted and now I’m just lost.

    I’ll try to meditate again, I tried before but could never turn it into a habit, but i’ll try again and I’ll watch the videos you suggested. I have been thinking a lot on why I could never keep this habit…I’m also trying to eat better, to at least add more fruit and vegetables into my meals. Two small changes to begin with. I’m also writing down what I dream in a notebook.

    What has been hurting me the most is the loneliness. Two friends visited me this afternoon and they kept giving me “cosmo” advices and it made me feel even more lonely than if I were alone. It’s like I can’t reach out to anyone. I’m good at reading the tarot (for other people, for me the answers are often confusing and hard to understand) and people keep coming to me to do readings and I just feel like everybody wants my help, wants to be listened to but no one sees how much I’m hurting, even when I say so. It’s just really lonely, I get lots of messages on facebook from friends and they are all talking about things that are so trivial, so shallow and I feel very disconnected from everything. I know nothing will change if I don’t change myself, if I don’t become the light I seek, I just have no idea how to do it right now.

    Thank you a lot for the love in the messages. Like I said, not being able to talk about how I feel is the worst for me so I’m very thankful that you have listened to me, Matt and John, truly listened, and truly wanted to help back. I’ll keep trying to feel better and get out of this crisis.

    July 23, 2013 at 5:36 pm #39104
    Matt
    Participant

    Coruja,

    Knowledge of the major arcana is very precious when it comes to our inner development! Its great that you offer that to people. Have you considered the Osho Zen Tarot? Instead of looking forward, it gives a radical insight into the present moment. After all, what is more precious than knowing where we are? That’s where all the action is…

    Consider that The Fool doesn’t know what she wants, and instead follows her inspiration without seeing where her feet are stepping. It isn’t until the emperor arrives that the fool begins to learn discernment. Perhaps what you may be experiencing is the wheel under the surface, and the page of fire in the mind. Said differently, not all people know the best way to share love, and it might be the cyclical nature of the harvest that has left their heartfelt support feeling empty.

    For instance, I have a story for you! When I was growing up, everyone in my family loved cheesecake except me. We would have maybe four of them in the basement freezer at any given time, and for any special occasion or guests, they would defrost a cheesecake and have a special dessert. Something about sweet flavors with cream cheese makes my mouth shudder, so for most of my childhood I was left out. What was worse was for my birthday on a few occasions guess what we had! This left me feeling bitter and disconnected from my family. It became a running joke, and it wasn’t until I was in my late twenties that they even remembered I didn’t like cheesecake!

    So while my family and family friends celebrated, I was left outside and alone. This was very painful for me, and I really felt like no one listened or cared. I compensated by always making dessert for family gatherings, but remained bitter. When I brought this up to my buddhist teacher, he was sympathetic to my emotions. Then, he gave me a task. He told me to bring a cheesecake to the next family gathering. He said bring something for myself, but find or make a sensuous cheesecake and see what happened. I did, thank goodness I did. When I gave them the cheesecake, I saw for the first time how much they enjoyed it. Its crazy, but I still tear up when I remember it. In a single moment, all of that isolation vanished, and instead I saw them, their enjoyment, their yearning being met with a delectable treat. Suddenly, the cheesecake lost all hold on my heart and I was free.

    Now, whenever I consider doing nice things for others that are unpleasant for myself, I consider it “bringing the cheesecake”. Said differently, when we let go of the specific things we want to hear, the loving intention under the surface is revealed and all the magic comes back.

    Its a sad thing that not many in the world are skilled at speaking from a place of loving kindness. That doesn’t mean that love isn’t there. If I talk to some of my friends, they give that same “Cosmo” type of response. However, that’s just their language, their cheesecake. The way they deal with their problems. Coruja, as a seeker and seer, it will be a rare few who can speak your native language. That doesn’t mean you aren’t surrounded by love, it just means you have to take in beyond the words, despite the words.

    This is what the wise woman develops during the Moon. The deep shadows are startling and somewhat painful, but they deepen intuition. It isn’t the dawn that pushes the moon to set and brings the Sun, rather the wise woman opens her intuition and the shadows become the rays of light, and then she is warmed by them again.

    Consider it might be worthwhile to try to speak their language instead of feeling sad they don’t speak yours. You’re the multilingual one after all! Namaste.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    July 23, 2013 at 6:31 pm #39105
    Bliss
    Participant

    Hi Coruja,

    Reading your story here, I feel moved and can identify with so many of the feelings you are expressing.

    I think what I most want to say to you from all of this is that relationships are a tricky thing, and there is such a wealth of learning that takes place when we enter into one, and live within one.
    What you are explaining here is such a common scenario for so many of us, finding our way into healthy relationships by stumbling all the way!

    I feel like now for you is a time to be stronger than ever before, but this time for yourself. This relationship has somewhat taken a backseat to allow you for the first time some while, to pay attention to you and what YOU need.

    It sounds like you’ve spent a lot of time “waiting” for someone else, or “giving up things” for someone else.
    Where you feel you’ve been so giving to someone else, you have not given to YOU.
    Now, you are face to face with the “you” that wants your love, your attention, it wants that job back that it had to give up, it wants that independence it gave up, it wants those delightful interests and hobbies that made you shine before back!

    When these things have been given to you, BY you, you will be so much more ready to interact within a relationship (with whichever person that may be) from an empowered and healthy place, and be treated as the princess you are.
    Coming from such a place in a relationship (a place of self-love) sees you no longer having to wait for anyone else or “sacrificing” to your own detrement.

    It may feel like jumping off a cliff to really focus on yourself and let go of what is happening around you with everyone else, but once you learn about this, you won’t need to learn it quite the same way again.

    Much Love,

    Bliss xx

    July 25, 2013 at 6:01 pm #39210
    coruja
    Participant

    Matt and Bliss, thank you so much for the kind words and support. It’s very good to know that you are listening and that you care and it has been helping a lot. I’ve felt better these past two days and I’m sure that being able to speak to someone, somehow, here, it’s part of it.
    Matt, I usually don’t read the tarot for the future and it’s really annoying because it’s all people want to know about. I tell them that the future is something they can build with the knowledge of the now, but everyone just wants to hear how they are going to meet the love of their lives next week… Sadly, I’m not being able to use this knowledge for myself so much, because like I said, I get really difficult readings for myself and find them really hard to understand, as if they are mirroring my own self confusion somehow.
    Your analogy of the cake is great and I understand what you mean. I’m happy to hear that somehow it made you reconnect with your family. I do see that I shouldn’t be blaming others for my lack of connection, I know that the barriers rest in me, but still, I find it really hard to connect and stop feeling lonely. I feel that, for me, I’m the one bringing the cheesecake to the party, always, but not like you did, not to make them happy and to connect through it, but just because they like cheesecake and I don’t know what cake I like, so I just keep bringing cheesecake, because at least someone is happy. I feel like I haven’t thought about myself for so long that I have lost the energy to do things even for others. Or maybe this is part of the process of finding another path for myself, another way to live my live as a whole that makes me not want to do anything for anyone until I figure out myself. I don’t know and that is another problem of mine, I never know what is ok to be feeling because I’m sad and grieving and I don’t want to pretend I’m not and what is not part of the process, I can’t tell what is real pain and what is unnecessary suffering.
    I also don’t want to sound like I’m ungrateful to my friends and their attempts to make me feel better, I see the intention behind their “cosmo advices”, I know they mean well, but it’s just how things are, it’s just how they chose to deal with their own pain (hiding it, taking medication, pretending it’s not there) and how much they don’t want to help me because my pain reminds me of their own, the one they wish it didn’t exist. It’s sad and lonely for everybody. I was there for them and again, I was there with the cheesecake.
    I’m just coming to accept that I’ll feel disconnected for a while, until I find the light within, until I find some answers and some motivation to do something, anything. I still feel energyless, I still watch tv for way too long, I still have no idea what to do, but it’s baby steps I guess. I’m trying to meditate, to write, I’m talking to you guys. There is a family meeting this weekend and I won’t go, I had to say no to my parents, I told them I’m still too hurt and that I don’t want to go and answer questions (about my wedding).

    Bliss, thank you for your loving message and for understanding where I’m coming from. I really don’t even remember what it was like when I was doing things for myself only, maybe I never did and I really want to do so, I really want to change and find a way to love myself more and act in life with self-love, self-esteem and confidence, to be whole so I can connect with people again, in a healthier way. I just don’t quite know where to start, so what I’m doing is trying to pay attention to how I feel and why I do the things I do to try to reach a deeper understanding of myself and the reasons of my issues.
    Being part of this forum is part of it and I’m happy to have a place to share such thoughts. Thank you so much for everything you are doing for me. I’m very very thankful. Being heard is all I need, right now and you are doing it and it’s amazing.
    Love, Coruja

    July 25, 2013 at 9:35 pm #39222
    Matt
    Participant

    Coruja,

    If you only know how to bring cheesecake and don’t know what kind of desserts you enjoy, consider eating some. Most shops have a whole variety, and i’m sure many would like a dance or two. It is easier to taste them if you don’t grab a hold on one and say “please,please let this be the dessert for me!” and scarf it all down. Instead, just have a single bite and chew it awhile. Trust your taste buds. Then try another. And another. 🙂

    With warmth,
    Matt

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