Home→Forums→Relationships→Feeling bad after standing up for myself to a friend
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Anonymous.
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August 28, 2022 at 1:46 pm #406267
MJParticipantHi! I’m new here, I’m working on improving my self esteem and I have social anxiety. I’m hoping for some advice/help.
A little backstory: I have this friend and he likes to make puns and sometimes I don’t understand them at first I felt insecure and worried that other people will think I’m less smart or something negative, but then I starting working on being ok with not understanding them and that people are good at different things.
Two weeks ago we went out for a beer and were talking about different things and then he says “I think there is something wrong with people that don’t understand puns”. When he said that I thought about me and that I sometimes don’t get them so I asked him ” So is that what you think about me?” and he responded ” Yes, I think there is something wrong with you” and I felt like I had been punched in the gut, so I asked again “For real? Is that really what you think?” hoping he was joking but he just continued “yeah I do think there is something wrong with you” I felt so bad I couldn’t say anything, I just sat there pretending that everything was ok and then I went home. Afterwards I had so much anxiety, I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
I wouldn’t say something like that to a friend, I think it’s mean, specially if they’re insecure about something. I think if there is something you’re not good at a friend would be understanding and not make you feel bad about it. Maybe that’s just me.
I thought about it for a couple of days and decided to write to him that what he said didn’t feel good and that it was hurtful. He hasn’t responded, now I’m doubting myself because I usually don’t say anything and I’m afraid of confrontation.
I don’t know if it was the right thing to write to him? This is new to me, to try and say what I think and feel but it isn’t going so well.
August 28, 2022 at 2:07 pm #406272
RobertaParticipantHi MJ
I think you are brave and wise.
Hopefully this guy will think long and hard about what he has said and the impact it had on you. If he is any kind of a gentleman he will apologize for his crassness and it may take sometime to rebuild the friendship.
Some people are good with words or maths or music or art etc, just because people have a talent or think they have a talent, it does not make them any better or worse a human being than someone who struggles in these areas. Give me a kind and compassionate person any day of the week as a friend.
kind regards
Roberta
August 28, 2022 at 2:15 pm #406273
AnonymousGuestDear MJ:
I think that you did the right thing when you (1) asked him if he was referring to you when he made his general comment (“I think there is something wrong with people that don’t understand puns”), (2) when you verified that indeed he thought this about you, that he wasn’t joking (“For real? Is that really what you think?“), and (3) when you communicated to him later that he hurt your feelings (“I… decided to write to him that what he said didn’t feel good and that it was hurtful“).
I think that there is something wrong with this “friend”, otherwise, why would he be so rude: repeatedly telling you that there is something wrong with you, not apologizing since and … not responding to your letter.
Congratulations on your new assertiveness (#1-3 above and generally, “say what I think and feel”). Without your new assertiveness, you couldn’t become aware that your friend is… not your friend at this point. With what you learned about him- a learning made possible by your assertiveness- you can make informed decisions regarding future contact with him.
anita
August 28, 2022 at 4:47 pm #406280
HelcatParticipantHi MJ
Well done on protecting yourself! It was wrong for your friend to treat you that way.
You mentioned that this incident caused a lot of anxiety. How are you feeling now? Has it settled any?
Sometimes people say cruel things when they themselves are suffering. I’m sure to be cruel to you, your friend was in pain. It is not fair that they chose to lash out at you in a unhealthy, unskilled attempt to cope with their own pain.
If you are usually close with your friend, give them time. Perhaps they will apologize once whatever is going on with them has settled.
There is also another possible thing to consider. Sometimes when developing healthy boundaries people are not used to it. They are used to older, less confrontational habits. Protecting boundaries can cause arguments as people tend to not know how to respond your new strength. This person may have been flustered by you calling them out on a “subtle dig”. Unless you asked, they would have been unlikely to directly insult you.
There are some assertive communication strategies online that can be helpful when confronting people. I found researching various strategies helpful when developing my own boundaries.
August 31, 2022 at 4:37 pm #406393MJParticipantThank you all for your replies!
I’m feeling a bit better and calmer about it. I think the friendship is over and I try to focus on other things and not dwell on it too much.
I really appreciate all your help!
August 31, 2022 at 4:46 pm #406394AnonymousGuestYou are very welcome. MJ. Good to read that you are feeling calmer. Please post again any time you may feel the need to post on any topic.
anita
November 5, 2022 at 8:36 am #409663AnonymousGuestHow are you, MJ?
anita
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