Hi Jo,

I’ve faced this same issue in a different context (not LDR). You already know what you need to do, and it is the difficult but necessary thing. What helped me to understand scenarios like these was when I learned about the personal boundary concept used in psychology. Everything has a boundary: a plant cell, a country, people. They let good things in and keep bad stuff out. In people, our boundaries contain our inner resources (e.g. self-esteem, decision making, etc.). A large amount of human suffering is a consequence of holes in our boundaries, which we need to learn to patch up. In a situation like yours you have a hole in your boundary regarding this situation and it’s like you are trying to keep the wound open, so it’s draining you, which is why it feels that way, it’s literally draining your self esteem. The way to fix a boundary problem is to learn to assert your boundary, this means learning to say “no”, saying that’s enough, for your own health and well being you need to do this.

This requires but also creates great inner strength. I found the same thing that you’ve described. I told myself I can remain friends with this person, but I knew deep down that this just kept that wound open. People vary, but for myself, especially if you tend to get very emotionally involved in your romances and you’re someone who is very sensitive, I cannot be friends (in a psychologically healthy way anyway) with someone I have had feelings for, as those feelings are always there to some degree. After having learned this lesson the hard way, I now assert clearly that I cannot remain friends with them and tell them why. Of course, I don’t want to cause hurt, but I know that I must act with integrity as much as I can, and with self-respect. It’s the best thing for both sides ultimately:

Truth is handsomer than the affectation of love. Your goodness must have some edge to it, –else it is none. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Ben.

Jo,

As an addendem to Mark’s helpful information about attachment, consider that the attachment is perhaps between him and your feelings of being heard, seen, loved, and “home”. Said differently, as you danced with him, some light blossomed inside you that you falsely attribute to him. When we heal, its not that we try to force ourselves to abandon the sparkle and joy that we felt. Rather, we discover that we can grow that independent of external circumstances, independent of him.

As Mark indicated, this is done through self caring, self nurturing. For instance, if you were feeling happy and joyous, sparkly, then there would be no craving for his next contact. The light and warmth in the actual messages would still be there, but more like icing on a cake rather than a glass of water in a desert.

Have you ever tried meditation? I think metta meditation would help rekindle that sense of being OK and full of joy wherever you’re sitting, resting. Sharon Salzburg has a great guided meditation on YouTube if you’re interested. Metta is the feeling of warm friendship inside us, and is grown by wishing ourselves and others to be happy. As we grow our light, our happiness is like a fusion engine that flows outward, rather than something we seek restlessly to find in emails or texts or people. It takes a little time to grow, but goes a long way to help the mind and body become smooth and peaceful.

With warmth,
Matt