“You are clearly uncomfortable with supporting her financially, especially when you see a pattern of financial irresponsibility or lack of attention, on her part. You are also, clearly conflicted. This has been a good relationship for the most part.

But you were not in the situation before where you had to support her financially, like you are now. You knew of her debt, but you were not in the position of actually paying her bills, not to this extent and not on an ongoing basis. So this is a new situation, correct?”

I am a bit frustrated. I don’t mind supporting her while she looks for work. She dropped her life to move here with me and I get that there is a transition period. It’s only been 2 months. I was well aware of her financial situation so I knew that I would be supporting her for a bit and paying most of the bills for a bit.  This is very much a new component to it. We were living together and I was paying about 65% of the bills but that was because we decided together that that was okay because then she could commit more to her debt (which she was able to reduce by about half in 8 months)

What I don’t like is that she is expecting to commute to school 2 hours a week come September when she doesn’t have any money for gas (so I’ll be paying for it) and then she will also be taking the car so I’ll be required to take public transportation, another expense that I’ll have to cover.  I’m already covering 80% of our expenses and it will jump to 100% by the end of May if she doesn’t find work.  Then those expenses will go up by $300 a month if she decides to drive back and forth every week. Plus come September she will be having class as well as doing placement so she will 100% not really be working so I’ll have been covering all the expenses for us both from mid Feb of this year until summer next year. Probably around 16 months. And when I bring this up and try to talk to her about how it would maybe be better if she lived with her sister for the 10 months she was in school so she could get a job there and pay for her own expenses and be stable she thinks I’m trying to get rid of her and leave the relationship.

Then she gets a job interview and starts having second thoughts because it involves going into clients homes and she is (naturally) uncomfortable with that. I don’t want her doing a job she hates and having anxiety and getting depressed about it, but I also don’t like that she is so quick to dismiss this potential job when I am the one who is covering all the bills. It makes me feel taken advantage of and I have talked to her about it on occasion and she talks about how much she hates being unemployed and it isn’t enjoyable for her. And I know it isn’t. I don’t want to not be supportive but I don’t think she understand how difficult this if for me.

“At this point, this is not a good relationship for you, not anymore. It may become one but it is not at this point, because of your distress. Your thoughts/ feelings?”

That’s the issue. It isn’t positive right now. But I also am well aware that it is impossible for it to be positive forever and never hit rough patches and I can’t tell if this is a rough patch or if it is just going to continue along in this way for a long period of time. It feel very situational because of the move and she isn’t working and that is messing with her mental health, and I know that once she starts to work it will get better, but this is really taking a toll on me and it’s impacting my mental health and is making me think of use. I know that isn’t the right choice but it is still where my brain goes automatically when in get in high stress situations and this doesn’t appear to be resolvable until she gets a job that “she wants” and I don’t know if that is going to happen any time soon. My mind is that she needs to just suck it up and work for a bit and stop being so selective and feeling entitled to work that she completely enjoys, but that is easy to say from the position I am in.

She applied to two schools. One where we were currently living and one where we were hoping to relocate to.  After this happened I started to look for work because me not working in September in this new (more expensive city) would drain my financial resources while she was in school and I was’t prepared to not be working while supporting us.

I got a job in this new city BEFORE we found out that she was accepted to the school in our old city and was rejected from the school in this new city. They are two hours apart.  It doesn’t make sense for her not to go because the city we are in now is a larger city and not having a Master’s degree is hurting her applications for work, so deferring the school for a year, to me, makes no sense.

She dropped her job life to move here with me with the intention of doing school here too. It has not worked out in that way. I guess she didn’t drop her life for me but she took a huge risk (leaving a job for the potential of school) while I simply left a job for a job.

I suppose I am, in a way, feeling responsible for this not working out for her, even though I know I shouldn’t. I also don’t know what to do though because it feels situational. That if she was going to the school in this city and had found a job it would be okay but because it hasn’t moved in that direction it isn’t going well, and I don’t want to drop a relationship that is otherwise solid because of this current situation that I know will change at some point. It just feels like it might not change for awhile, and it feels like she might be taking advantage of the situation financially a bit, even if that is not her intention.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by Mike.