Home→Forums→Relationships→Feel like I have to be supportive all the time
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Anonymous.
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April 11, 2017 at 10:16 am #144557
Anonymous
GuestDear Mike:
You wrote: “Lately though, things have been going downhill for me and I’ve been thinking about use as well as leaving the relationship, two things that I really don’t want to do.”-
Leaving the relationship may be the right choice for you, maybe. But using- definitely not the right choice. I hope you eliminate the using as an acceptable option to your dilemma. This is really an opportunity for you to become stronger in abstinence: you can challenge yourself to go through this conflict, this challenge, without using.
You are clearly uncomfortable with supporting her financially, especially when you see a pattern of financial irresponsibility or lack of attention, on her part. You are also, clearly conflicted. This has been a good relationship for the most part.
But you were not in the situation before where you had to support her financially, like you are now. You knew of her debt, but you were not in the position of actually paying her bills, not to this extent and not on an ongoing basis. So this is a new situation, correct?
Now that you are experiencing this new situation, and that you see that this new situation may be a lasting situation because of her depression and financial history, it is time for you to make your choice regarding this relationship.
At this point, this is not a good relationship for you, not anymore. It may become one but it is not at this point, because of your distress. Your thoughts/ feelings?
anita
April 11, 2017 at 10:53 am #144585Mike
Participant“You are clearly uncomfortable with supporting her financially, especially when you see a pattern of financial irresponsibility or lack of attention, on her part. You are also, clearly conflicted. This has been a good relationship for the most part.
But you were not in the situation before where you had to support her financially, like you are now. You knew of her debt, but you were not in the position of actually paying her bills, not to this extent and not on an ongoing basis. So this is a new situation, correct?”
I am a bit frustrated. I don’t mind supporting her while she looks for work. She dropped her life to move here with me and I get that there is a transition period. It’s only been 2 months. I was well aware of her financial situation so I knew that I would be supporting her for a bit and paying most of the bills for a bit. This is very much a new component to it. We were living together and I was paying about 65% of the bills but that was because we decided together that that was okay because then she could commit more to her debt (which she was able to reduce by about half in 8 months)
What I don’t like is that she is expecting to commute to school 2 hours a week come September when she doesn’t have any money for gas (so I’ll be paying for it) and then she will also be taking the car so I’ll be required to take public transportation, another expense that I’ll have to cover. I’m already covering 80% of our expenses and it will jump to 100% by the end of May if she doesn’t find work. Then those expenses will go up by $300 a month if she decides to drive back and forth every week. Plus come September she will be having class as well as doing placement so she will 100% not really be working so I’ll have been covering all the expenses for us both from mid Feb of this year until summer next year. Probably around 16 months. And when I bring this up and try to talk to her about how it would maybe be better if she lived with her sister for the 10 months she was in school so she could get a job there and pay for her own expenses and be stable she thinks I’m trying to get rid of her and leave the relationship.
Then she gets a job interview and starts having second thoughts because it involves going into clients homes and she is (naturally) uncomfortable with that. I don’t want her doing a job she hates and having anxiety and getting depressed about it, but I also don’t like that she is so quick to dismiss this potential job when I am the one who is covering all the bills. It makes me feel taken advantage of and I have talked to her about it on occasion and she talks about how much she hates being unemployed and it isn’t enjoyable for her. And I know it isn’t. I don’t want to not be supportive but I don’t think she understand how difficult this if for me.
“At this point, this is not a good relationship for you, not anymore. It may become one but it is not at this point, because of your distress. Your thoughts/ feelings?”
That’s the issue. It isn’t positive right now. But I also am well aware that it is impossible for it to be positive forever and never hit rough patches and I can’t tell if this is a rough patch or if it is just going to continue along in this way for a long period of time. It feel very situational because of the move and she isn’t working and that is messing with her mental health, and I know that once she starts to work it will get better, but this is really taking a toll on me and it’s impacting my mental health and is making me think of use. I know that isn’t the right choice but it is still where my brain goes automatically when in get in high stress situations and this doesn’t appear to be resolvable until she gets a job that “she wants” and I don’t know if that is going to happen any time soon. My mind is that she needs to just suck it up and work for a bit and stop being so selective and feeling entitled to work that she completely enjoys, but that is easy to say from the position I am in.
April 11, 2017 at 11:17 am #144593Anonymous
GuestDear Mike:
There is a part I didn’t understand: didn’t you move to the current city because she was planning on attending a school there, and so, it was you who accommodated her by finding a job where you are and moving there (and then she was not accepted by that school)?
You wrote: “She dropped her life to move here with me” – didn’t she quit her job and move so to start school in the current city where the two of you live?
anita
April 11, 2017 at 11:27 am #144599Mike
ParticipantShe applied to two schools. One where we were currently living and one where we were hoping to relocate to. After this happened I started to look for work because me not working in September in this new (more expensive city) would drain my financial resources while she was in school and I was’t prepared to not be working while supporting us.
I got a job in this new city BEFORE we found out that she was accepted to the school in our old city and was rejected from the school in this new city. They are two hours apart. It doesn’t make sense for her not to go because the city we are in now is a larger city and not having a Master’s degree is hurting her applications for work, so deferring the school for a year, to me, makes no sense.
She dropped her job life to move here with me with the intention of doing school here too. It has not worked out in that way. I guess she didn’t drop her life for me but she took a huge risk (leaving a job for the potential of school) while I simply left a job for a job.
I suppose I am, in a way, feeling responsible for this not working out for her, even though I know I shouldn’t. I also don’t know what to do though because it feels situational. That if she was going to the school in this city and had found a job it would be okay but because it hasn’t moved in that direction it isn’t going well, and I don’t want to drop a relationship that is otherwise solid because of this current situation that I know will change at some point. It just feels like it might not change for awhile, and it feels like she might be taking advantage of the situation financially a bit, even if that is not her intention.
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This reply was modified 8 years ago by
Mike.
April 12, 2017 at 11:25 am #144743Anonymous
GuestDear Mike:
I am thinking that she is 100% responsible for her choice to move to the new city, and you are 100% responsible for your choice to move to the new city.
Again, clearly, you are not comfortable in the current financial situation, a situation that may last for a long time, with no set expiration date. Possibly, this may be it. Not necessarily, but possibly.
You may want to come up with a date for yourself, figuring if the situation is the same at that future date, then you end the relationship. If the distress of waiting for such set date is too much, you may have to come up with a resolution sooner. Maybe the idea of her living with her sister, which you mentioned, should be re-visited.
It is your level of comfort vs distress that is most significant here. Do what you reasonably can do to lower your distress. Take care of yourself first.
anita
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