Jamie. I will be honest with you I thought that I might die. At one point I found myself driving on the expressway and I was feeling “dead” inside and I wanted to feel something so bad that I just screamed. I screamed at the top of my lungs so that I would feel something, anything. It is one of my most clear memories of that time and I think it still resonates with me because of its raw, unadulterated frustration I was feeling at that time.

I partly agree with Louise. Looking back I now realize that a part of me was dying. My whole life I think that I went on clinging to things or ideas that I identified with as self. I was entering a part of my life that was challenging those notions of what I believed to be me. I was having to really grow up and cope with life. One thing that I learned was life is change. We can fight it all that we want. We can struggle to swim upstream against the current, but life’s current is powerful and no matter how strong you think you are it will carry you along the riverbank of time. For me learning how to go with the current by rejoicing in the present was a painful yet needed lesson.

I honestly wish you the best and I have sincere hope that you too can find some peace with whatever it is you are struggling with.

P.S. I think sometimes just speaking about these problems and acknowledging they exist can be a powerful first step in recovering your joy, I know that it has been for me.

Hello J.

When I was in a similar place after some major losses I knew I had to try something, anything to change it up. A good friend of mine lent me a meditation CD, which I listened to every morning for 15 minutes in the dark. For the first few weeks, I cried the whole way through it, I wasn’t feeling it at all. Shortly, though, I began to feel it helping center me. It was called ‘Getting into the Vortex’ or something like that (I hope this isn’t in violation of forum guidelines). Anyhow, I also started a gratitude journal. The rule I made for myself was that I had to write just one thing in it every day. Just one thing! That’s how lousy and dead I was feeling. Some days I wrote ‘my cat’ or ‘my sister’ or ‘a hot shower’ as what I was grateful for. Some days I repeated the same thing I wrote the day before. But then something amazing happened. Soon enough one thing became three things, which became 10 things, which seemed to snowball. The more I found to be grateful for (be it a great cup of coffee, a warm blanket, a smile from a stranger) the more blessings there seemed to appear to be grateful for. This totally lifted me up and “lightened me up” too. This new “lighter feeling” began to show to the world, people commented on the positive change and that brought even more positivity and light into my life. It was truly amazing how it built upon itself. The simple act of looking around at what was right in front of me to be grateful for snowballed into changing my entire life. I hope this will help you in some way.

Love,
Catdancing