Dear  Lorraine:

Your expectations of your daughter in law and son tidying the mess they create and paying the rent agreed on without your repeatedly requesting it are not unreasonable at all.

You get to see your son and grandson because they are living with you. After they move out, it will be mostly up to your daughter in law, if and how often you will see your grandson. Unfortunately,  her attitude is not promising in this regard. Neither is your son’s attitude.

It is a tough situation. If you are very submissive to your daughter in law, and become even more submissive, not asking her for rent (and therefore, I suppose, not receiving any rent), and not saying a word about the mess they create, not asking for anything from her… you still cannot guarantee that after they move out, you will be able to see your grandson often, if at all. No matter what you do, it doesn’t look good because her negative attitude toward you is already in place, has already been established, in her brain.

Might as well assert yourself, decide on the few things you need: to not ask for rent every month, but instead for it to be handed to you on time. And for them to tidy the mess they create: you can give them specifics of what it means, like you did here. Be specific, clear. Not a good idea, I am thinking, to tell them that you feel bullied in your own home, unwanted, not appreciated, tired cleaning their mess etc.

Just the facts, the specific expectations you have of them. Limit your assertion to these two expectation, or three, but not more. You may have to add that they will need to move out if they don’t respect your very reasonable expectations.

I suggest you assert yourself with them using a tone of voice and facial expressions that are not aggressive, on one hand, and not apologetic, on the other.

Asserting yourself is necessary for your well-being. It is the right thing for you to do and I hope it works out. Post again, anytime.

anita

Hello,

You are not being unreasonable. These are adults living in your home. They should be able to stand on their own two feet and provide for themselves and not leech off of you. Just allowing them to live there is going above and beyond, however…I understand no one at that age wants to live at home IMO (unless they are just really into living at home). I’m sure they feel less than because they are dependent on you for support. Granted I am not excusing their actions, but I understand that they may be on edge and feel as if they have no privacy or space that they may want. The fix to this problem is them getting out of your home. This is a hard spot to be in but I feel that should they ever leave your home, the relationship between you all would improve. They are adults without being adult if that makes sense and I feel living with your parents at such an age keeps you in a teenage rebellion stage of relationship with your parent.

Help them by perhaps not helping them so much. Don’t feel guilty for making them pay rent. Maybe refuse to drive them so much. They should be doing these things for themselves and they need to get their own place and stand on their own feet. Everyone else has to why can’t they?

Good luck. I know it’s hard.

I was bullied in my home by a neighbour who, it turns out, has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  I was literally “saved” by the NARP program developed by Melanie Tonia Evans.  If you google her name, she has a list of maybe 10 videos under the category: “How to reduce your susceptibility to narcissistic abuse – (topic)”.  These topics offer very specific information to deal with bullies, narcissistic or not.  In fact, I believe they are valuable to anyone who wants to learn to “self-partner” or “self-parent”.

Melanie offers a free 16 day information/support process to help people identify whether they are being abused.  I highly recommend it.

Alternatively, you can google the topic “Establishing Healthy Boundaries” and will find many options.  I find Teal Swan’s videos very specific.   Best wishes to you.