Niraj,

I have dealt with chronic shyness my whole life and though how you behave may not be called “shyness” – the mental habits which you describe are the hallmark of that affliction popularly known as “shyness”. I once picked up a book on it called “The Mindful Path Through Shyness”. It suggests addressing shyness and social fear and anxiety through the use of self-compassion. I would also suggest implementing a regular metta meditation as I have found this to be the perfect antidote to any type of fear..

As for your negative thoughts – it has been my experience that you can NEVER NEVER stop negative thoughts by trying to STOP negative thoughts. Just give up that strategy right now. It has been my experience that you can never stop any kind of thought with more thought. And by thought I mean logical, reasoning, thought. Instead just try STOPPING everything all together. Stop trying to do anything. Even stop trying to stop your thoughts. Just pay attention to ONE thing. Be it your breath, be it the color of the table in front of you, be it your fingernail, be it the curve of a back of a chair. This will put some SPACE between your thoughts and it will help you recognize, “oh! I’m thinking negatively.” And that will be all – you don’t need to think anymore about it than that. A thought is a thought is a thought is a thought and that is all it ever will be. It does not need to be answered by another thought. Creating spaciousness through mindfulness and awareness will help you to see that. And so your fear of criticism or your fear of what people will say will not go away – it will still be there – but it won’t seem like such a big deal. You will be able to act with courage and bravery despite the fear because you will have a spacious mind. And I must say that metta meditation is one of the quickest ways to develop this spaciousness – especially when it comes to fearful thoughts. Perhaps try it. Your mind is so much bigger than these fearful thoughts – you are so much bigger than your thoughts (which are barely real in the first place) They do not need to dictate your actions or constrict your behavior. They do not need to limit your freedom. But it does require some work and effort to ensure that they don’t. I hope that you will do something to ease your suffering and live your life with more freedom and spontaneity. May you be happy!

-J.D.

Niraj,

I know how painful and stifling it can be when we are hanging on other people’s words! I’m sorry for your suffering, but take heart… because there is always a path to freedom. When we don’t have a stable self esteem, we look for validation from others that we are good and worthy of connection. This is a slippery slope, because on one hand it is normal, correct and honorable to want to connect with others. On the other hand, it is painful and afflicting a mental wound when we make their words about us.

For instance, one time I walked into a shop and told the girl behind the counter that her outfit looked nice. She said “yeah, its one of those days.” My immediate reaction was feeling rejected, as a heartfelt compliment was poorly received. However, as that settled and I stopped making it about me, I saw something different. Her words were clouded by her experiences, and what she saw was not what I offered. She saw a man hitting on her, and her response was defensive. I was not interested in her in that way, so I know that it was not arising from my side. Her words, emotional reactions and perceptions were about her, not about me. From there I was in a position to connect to her from her side, because I didn’t grasp onto her words for a feeling of worthiness of connection.

This requires confidence and self knowing. If you know where you are physically, emotionally and mentally, then if some response from the environment is different than what a reasonable response might look like, it produces curiosity. “That’s interesting, I wonder why that response came from him or her.” Then instead of guessing, we can ask.

To develop self knowing, a concentration meditation practice can help. Ajahn Jayasaro has a great video on YouTube called “counting breaths” which I recommend. Also, consider JD’s suggestion of metta practice. When we spend time genuinely wishing people happiness, independent of what their happiness might do for us, we quickly develop a stable and spacious mind.

With warmth,
Matt