Dear Mima37:

Imagine a person with a good childhood behind him or her, a loving, safe home and loving current relationship with her parents and siblings as an adult, looking forward at this time  for a lovely Thanksgiving 2018. An adult woman with a good history, good relationships, plus a  husband and children in a loving home. You would imagine there would  be no anxiety for such a woman, correct?

But there is, because as humans, we are the  only animals who know (when healthy and well) that we will die. We don’t  know when and how. And to add to it, we know that our children and everyone we know will also die. We just don’t know when and how.

This in itself is enough to cause anxiety, and it does. Even the richest person in the world, living  in a castle, seeing income of millions and even billions every year, when that person goes to bed at night, after a day  of fancy dining and golfing and what not,  she or he knows that tomorrow may never be, that there is nothing at all she can do- nothing that money can  do- to prevent this reality of death.

This is why anxiety is the human condition. Add to it the commonality of aggression, starting in the childhood home, and no wonder anxiety is such  a huge problem.

There is a way to relax best we can into this reality. To do  our best to promote our safety and that of those we have power over, our children, and at the same time, relax best we can into the reality of death. It is somewhat of a good feeling in me knowing that whatever distress I experience will not last forever. What misery it would have been to experience distress forever more. It is called hell, that idea. It is a good thing there will be an end to pain.

And yet, the fear remains, in me. I don’t expect it to go away. I wished it will my whole life, living a fear-free life (this is the idea of heaven, a fear-free forever living), but it is impossible for me as it is impossible for any and every human able to think. Because if we are able to think, we can’t ignore the reality of death.

And so we are in this together, as I type to you now, as you read this, anyone reading this, every single person, all in the same boat.

anita

I can empathize deeply with your situation – I’ve felt a similar way since I was about eight years old. It can make every day stressful, feeling like you’re not getting enough out of it, fearing the loss of loved ones (or that your loved ones will lose you). It can consume you with dread and nausea. It can leave you with the sense that nothing will be stable or okay – how can it be when you will one day lose the most important people in your life? It’s a painful anxiety because you know it will happen, eventually. I know my fear of death was mixed in with a sense of general lack of protection in my childhood – if i wasn’t safe then, how could I ever know security? All forms of stability feel short lived because we are more aware than others that they aren’t a given.

I can’t say I’ve ever completely “fixed” this fear of mine, either, but I hope I can help with some suggestions that eased my pain. I’ve tried many things, from philosophical/religious approaches (not at all a bad idea, either!) ,to therapy, talking it out, etc. but this is what I, personally, have had success with:

One was to become comfortable with the fact that I was afraid – it cut down on my mental load to stop trying to push these thoughts away and stop trying to immediately ease my panic. You’ve been extremely brave in opening up about your experience here! It’s perfectly fine that death worries you – it’s a sign that you value life, it’s something that keeps people from making risky decisions, and it allows you to appreciate what you have in a unique way. The problem is that this worry is harming your ability to live a happy life, the emotion itself is valid and doesn’t need fixing!

I also found comfort in slowly introducing the things that made me so upset – I spent time reading on the Order of the Good Death and on death acceptance in general. It was the first time I saw death presented as a truly neutral thing and as something that could be discussed openly without need for euphemisms. I found it helped immensely to view death without the pressure to judge it. I ended up writing many college papers on subjects like burial and mourning, a less direct exposure which helped me become less afraid to confront my fears. Learning facts gave me a sense of control and security back.

You are already doing the most important thing – putting in the effort to show love to your family who are still alive. Please don’t forget to show yourself love, too! You may not be able to do the same sorts of things with your family anymore but you are showing the same devoted care. Your commitment to giving your children good lives and memories is a gift to them. In my culture, we say “may their life be a blessing” when someone dies – from your words I can tell your life is a blessing to others because you are so empathetic, your reaction to suffering in your lifetime was to make sure it would never, ever happen to your children.

Chronic disease is depressing and life altering, even for the most grateful and happy person. Adjusting to it genuinely takes a lot of time and strength. I’ve found it helpful, on days when I feel I’m not getting “enough” out of life, to write what I have done that made me happy, what I did for others, and what I experienced that was beautiful and good. It does not fix my disease but it gives me perspective, sometimes. It is good to remember that even days when you do nothing are valuable because they rested you enough to do something else the next day.

I also started making small changes to enjoy myself more – if I want to eat chocolate or burn a new candle, I don’t wait for a special occasion. I wear whatever makes me happy. I started leaving places and situations that made me feel like I was wasting my time. I try to plan less for the future and let myself have a good day today. Over the year I’ve done this, I’ve become more comfortable with how happy I am in my daily life, which makes me a little less scared to die. You may find it helpful to identify what makes you feel more comfortable with the concept of death, whether it’s a large goal or simply making yourself happier.

I hope sharing my coping methods might help you, that you feel you were heard, and that you get some rest from your worries soon.

Dear Mima37:

“I’m scared that they won’t remember the younger years when I took my holidays etc.”-

Why not take out all the photos and memorabilia from those holidays and time otherwise and put together a new photo album or albums, organizing or re-organizing the photos in a new way, adding a bit of glitter or little stickers of flowers and such, to the arrangement, to make it look happy, festive?

“I’m just sat resting every day and just looking at the walls”-

Why not start this routine: every day at about the same time, get up from bed and exercise, a treadmill will be best. Start five minutes, increase after a few days to ten minutes. Let your teenage children see you getting up at about the same time and persisting in this routine. This will encourage them, give them hope.

It will encourage you too, and give you hope too.

anita

Dear Mima37:

You are welcome.

It is a good thing to not give one’s children bad memories, way more important than it is to give them  good memories. It is so because the bad ones are way more powerful than the good ones in affecting the children’s lives into adulthood. As humans we focus on danger and it takes precedence over anything and everything else.

So when you give your children safety in their home, when they are treated well in their home, no mistreatment whatsoever, my goodness, you give them a whole lot of good.

And to see you capable to make their beds and cleaning the bathrooms, to see you satisfied yourself that you are capable of doing these things, that is very good for them.

anita

Dear Ju:

I am so glad that you are giving your children “love and a safe home environment”. I wish all children received this most important thing, the feeling of safety, and then topping it with loving attention.

I do wish your health improved much, that you will somehow come out of this chronic fatigue syndrome. I didn’t research the issue, but do you have information on people who recovered from chronic fatigue, being able to live the  physically functional lives they lived before?

anita