Fear of Disappointing Others A Problem..

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This topic has 3 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 5 months ago by s.srinidhi.

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June 19, 2015 at 4:56 pm #78488

rebecca
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Hi there, thank you for reading.

I know it’s normal to have a fear of disappointing people, or a fear of rejection, embarrassment, etc.. I’m sure everyone has this issue at some point in their lives, but I feel that the fear I have of disappointing people, especially my family, is not only the root of my depression but also the dictator of my actions throughout my entire life so far.

From a young age, I was always kind of eclectic. I was always outside barefoot, preferred ragged clothes, the biggest “tomboy” you ever met. My dad let me be and laughed about my different perspective on life, but my mom hated it. Long story short, she always tried to guilt me into doing what she wanted, criticized my preferences and hobbies, and basically degraded who I was as a person. My dad always supported me and wanted me to just be myself.

I believe as a result, I’ve spent my life in constant fear of disappointing others, partly because I wanted my mother to show me the same love and affection that my dad did, and partly because I wanted to keep my dad proud of me and so I did my best at everything I could. I mean, I used to get bullied at school and on the school bus, sometimes right in front of my siblings. They never did anything or help me, and often they’d even bully me more when we got home.

Now, I’m always afraid of doing something wrong. I’m scared to talk to people out of fear of saying something stupid, or changing my major because it may not have job stability like my parents wish for me. I don’t like going out with friends because of my insecurities, and now I can’t even allow myself to be vulnerable with others or share my thoughts because of how silly I think they seem.

It’s like my mind is my biggest enemy and biggest critic. I’m 21 years old, and I’m tired of hiding out of fear. Can anyone give me some advice?

June 19, 2015 at 6:01 pm #78490

Vinay Kashyap
Participant

Hi Rebecca,

You have been dealing with a lot of pain and I feel for you. It is tough to please your parents and cater to their every whim. Coming from a very tightly knitted family, I can understand the need to seek approval from your parents. Both my parents constantly criticize my unconventional approach to life. Yet, I find that they only do that out of their fears and their insecurities. Their fears should not seep into your life to the brink of making you miserable.

I had the issue that you are going through when I entered college. Three years later and much turmoil, I realized that my parents generally acted this way due to them being insecure and uncertain about the things they could not control. It was at that realization that I accepted that I cannot please my parents every time. At the end of the day, there was going to be some disappointment along with approval.

You cannot please everyone. It is a grueling task that puts you in a precarious position. What I can say to you is that you should think and believe in yourself. It is not an easy task. This will take some time to develop a sense of self-confidence and the way you can start is by doing things. Confidence is not the ability of displaying your success to others, but the ability to recognize failure and the need to always improve to others.

I hope this helps.

Vinay

June 19, 2015 at 6:58 pm #78494

Anonymous
Guest

Dear rebecca:
You stated that your mother degraded who you were as a person. This is not to be minimized as people often do when they say things like “Oh, she (degrading mother in your case) did her best. Oh, it is only her insecurity. Oh, she meant well, etc.” No, no, no. Let us call it what it is: she degraded you as a person. She criticized you for just being you. this is heavy duty business, obviously it has handicapped you seriously so far in your life and if you don’t heal from such degredation, you will continue to suffer significantly.

You internalized your mother who lives in your head as part of your psyche and continues to criticize you so no wonder that you, the child part of you that is the same child you were then is terrorized by the internalized mother.

I had a terrible mother who criticized the hell out of me. I thought that if i had one person in my life who was like your father was, then I would be okay, or much better. But now, reading your story, i see that a critical mother can be very damaging even when a person has a supportive father. that is a shame.

There is a way or ways to HEAL from such degredation, from such abuse. Maybe good psychotherapy? Where you learn to identicy that internalized mother’s voice in your head (some call it the Internal Critic) and distance the rest of you from it, not identifying with it, over time, with practice… protecting your child part from it so she can come out and play, barefoot with ragged clothes.
anita

June 21, 2015 at 7:04 am #78557

s.srinidhi
Participant

Hello all

For past one year I am unable to understand what I really want. First I thought I needed to go aboard for studies so applied to universities and also got admit. But now when everything is ready to go I am feeling like I made wrong decision and should have continued with my job. I don’t know what to do as I have already resigned the job.

I am very anxious right now as to how my future will be.

October 15, 2018 at 12:16 am #231031

Nicole
Participant

When I was a child I was screamed at a lot and was emotionally abused by my father, I was physically abused by my brother. I was sexually abused by the next door neighbor and have had extremely bad relationships in the past. I have a fear towards people and anxiety, depression, and mood disorder. I also have a big fear of disappointing people. I’m having a difficult time trying to find work and a few weeks ago I went to visit my mom and aunt. My aunt let me know that I needed a job I feel horrible enough as it is not being able to find a job and to help my husband to be with paying for our wedding because he is the one who is working. I’m going to school and I feel like I’m a child still in a women’s body. My brother is always asking me about my grades in school. A couple of years ago when I started speaking my mind my brother would slap me threaten to kick me out. Now I have a hard time saying what is on my mind again. I fear people are constantly saying stuff about me because when I was in grade school all the way through high school I was bullied.
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