Dear Gillian:

An amazing post. First a bit of summary with a few key quotes from your sharing:

When you heard your husband’s confessions, not having been “prepared …not seen ANY of it coming,” it “shattered my world and sense of reality… he suddenly and instantly ripped my reality from under me”.

You “actually peed myself as he kept talking and confessing more things… I froze in fear.”

You wrote that your family was unsupportive, and so, you “knew that without a family home to retreat to, without an anchor to cling to, I could not ride out this nervous breakdown alone”.

You still live with your husband, who you wrote “both shattered my world and my mental health, but he was also the only one willing to take care of me, when I couldn’t function”.

He revealed to you that his father touched him, that his uncle abused him. His mother denied it all recently. Your husband, following his confessions and revelations to you about the abused he suffered as a child, proceeded to tell his family members that he will not have contact with them until they “start acknowledging the truth”.

They didn’t and so “he gave in”  and is in contact with them, a lot of contact, so much so that he will be “moving back to be near them”.

“They all pretend nothing is wrong”, you wrote, and his family is accusing you of causing trouble in their family.

You wrote that your husband “still wants them in our lives, and he gets angry with me when I resist.”

Second part of my reply is my input, my understanding, thoughts and feelings: what you shared here is the story of betrayal, trust shattered. Your trust in your husband was shattered when he confessed to you about his past lies and deceptions. Then he shared with you how he was betrayed by his father and his uncle. Following that, you witnessed him betrayed by his mother.

The trust we have in another is like the ground we stand on, our safety. When betrayed, when our trust is shattered, it is like losing the ground underneath us, nothing to hold on to, and we are falling. It is a very scary experience. It is very scary for a child, and without an anchor to hold on to, as in your case, it is also very scary for an adult.

Nothing looks the same anymore. Our perception of reality has changed so drastically, that reality as is feels  like a bad dream you can’t wake up from. Fear is intense.

Your husband faced the truth for a while, his perception of reality changed drastically. It felt like a bad dream, so he… went back to sleep, pretending reality is different, pretending his safety is with the people who betrayed him.

He is ignoring reality, but reality will not ignore itself. His mental health will continue to suffer, as it has before his temporary awakening to reality, to the truth of reality.

Question is, will you ignore reality? Can you and will you close your eyes to it, pretending yourself, while accepting the scapegoat role so to make it possible for them to pretend?

It is not wrong for you to not move to live near his family, to not want to raise children with such people and with a father who is not well, not healing, eyes closed, pretending.

But can you handle the fear involved in seeing reality as it is, adjusting to it, even seeing comfort in it, eventually.. can you find some social support that is required to handle the fear?

anita

Sorry to hear what you are going through. I completely understand that miserable people need scapegoats. They will never look at themselves for any faults. But you should know that those are the people you don’t want to be around. They’ll look to blame you and will try and break you and your husband rather than love and respect you both. I’m dealing with a family member that lies every time she speaks. I’ve come to realise that someone that needs to lie about everything does this to feel better about them self, so it’s actually kind of sad. Just remember they will never admit they are wrong.

I’m not telling to to leave your husband but you’d be amazed how strong you can be on your own. Keep talking to people and find as much support as you can. I often tell friends that have gone through a break up to just get a cat.

Dear Gillian:

I am glad you posted again. I read your recent post twice and understand the corrections you made.

You shared in your original post that he has “both shattered my world and my mental health, but he was also the only one willing to take care of me, when I couldn’t function”.

In your recent post you wrote: “he takes care of me when I am bed-ridden with trauma and depression (during which, he is very tender toward me). Yet, it is also true that every time I am doing well… he relapses in his bad behaviors, sabotaging my healing… all over again (me finding success.. common triggers for his relapses)”.

He injures you, then re-injures you, helps you recover some, and when you recover a bit too much, for his comfort level, he re-injures you, and repeat. This and his other behaviors, when you tried to leave him, is telling me that he is motivated to have you in his life, but in an injured state.

You used the verb relapse when describing this pattern, as if he is suffering from a disease, then improves, then deteriorates again, as if he was the passive victim of a disease. Thing is he is not passive: he actively inflicts injury on you, again and again.

If you want to heal, the way to go about it is to not remain in a relationship where you get re-injured. The healing he allows you after re-injuring is only effective in keeping you there, in the relationship, in a state of minimal functionality. As if he is keeping you alive for the purpose of keeping you ill.

But you know this already.

And yet,  when you tried to leave him, you stayed because it was “easier to stay than it was to face what it would take to leave”-

Where does one find the strength to leave without a social support, support you do not have…Where do you find the courage, the motivation to do what is difficult?

Where do you find the motivation to help the innocent, the victim?

anita