Hi Marco,

I’ve had my share of family strife as well. And I commend you for supporting your wife. You must keep peace within your own home with your wife. And I agree that visiting your sisters without your wife when you’ve always visited together would only make things worse. It would exclude your wife and make her feel left out by her own husband. Don’t give in to your sister’s unreasonable demands. However, when you see them at your parents or where ever, you and your wife can offer them kindness without doing things that would exclude your wife.

Here’s my best guess. Your sisters may have some jealousy toward your wife. I mean your wife stayed with you at your parent’s home and during that time your sisters may have felt like your wife was taking over their turf and building a relationship with your parents. So, they may be jealous of the time that your wife was able to have direct, live-in access to your parents that they never had as adults and maybe that they never wanted. It’s almost like something you would see in an only-child who becomes very protective of their relationship with the parents as they’ve not had to share them with another child. And your sisters maybe haven’t had to share your parents, and particularly your mom, with another woman (someone who could potentially be like another daughter to your parents). That would be enough to spark jealousy in women who are overly protective, and it seems your sister are just that by the way you describe their visiting schedule while you and your wife were living with your parents. Your sisters’ visiting schedule to me seemed a bit abnormal for grown, married women, especially given that you and your wife were there to keep your parents company in the house if your sisters had concerns about their safety.

Did your sisters always visit your parents that often or did that begin only when you and your wife moved in with your parents?

If you want to get to the bottom of this, you could call a family meeting with your parents and your sisters and ask them exactly what do they feel your wife has done for them to exclude her from the family.  If you can’t seem to get your sisters to name specific issues so the problems can be resolved, then don’t visit their home without your wife and continue visiting your parents. And if you see your sisters there fine. If not, then not.  And if your sisters get upset with you for breaking relations with them because of your wife, place responsibility back on them by reminding them that it was they who decided you could not visit them with your wife and you and your wife come as a package so they can’t exclude one of you without excluding the other. And I like the idea about asking them what they would do if you excluded their spouse. It might make them think about their behavior. And, if possible, after this family meeting, I would suggest you head home to your wife rather than spend the night, if possible, But by no means stay overnight with either of your sisters.

However, I can see your sisters point about their retaining access to your parent’s house while you and your wife lived there because the family house, I think, is always the family house unless your parents take away everyone’s keys. You and your wife were living with your parents, and it probably was a bit uncomfortable at times with your sisters coming and going, but it was your parent’s home, and it was okay with them.  Your sisters should have attempted to give you privacy in private space, but there’s little privacy in your parent’s home in family/public spaces in the home. Continue to support your wife and the best interest of your household and attempt to find out what the real issues are. If your sisters are going to discuss your wife, they need to get real specific or shut up. They need to be able to name specific instances and issues and describe what was done. That’s the only way these issues can be openly discussed and resolved.  All the best!

Dear marco:

I just posted to you on your other thread. Without more information about your present Family Strife, I know that the following is still the right thing for you to do: keep your loyalty to your children. Place your children’s well being as your number one priority, above your sisters’, above your parents’-

You brought your children into this world. Do what is right for them. What is right for them is a healthy mother, a healthy father. Having cousins to play with is way, way…. way less important for them.

anita

No, marco, I didn’t post anywhere but on tiny buddha. I don’t even know what “reddit” is.

anita