Dear Riri:

I am sorry for your loss of 5 years ago.

“Family is always good?” No, way too often, family is not good.

“Our aunt (my mom’s sister) decided to turn her back from us… My grandmother… From forever, her favourite daughter was our aunt. After mom died, she started telling people that my dad can’t raise me good, that my dad is forbidding us to talk to her (which is not true, of course)… she is always saying that she suffers but when my aunt is at home, she never comes to us or call us“-

– reads to me that your grandmother manipulates people via guilt-tripping: falsely accusing people of causing her to suffer. I tend to think that your mother, growing up with her mother (your grandmother), suffered from being guilt-tripped, and from being the unfavored daughter.

Maybe your grandmother turned her favorite daughter against the unfavorite daughter while the two were children. Fast forward, after your mother’s passing, she turns her favorite daughter against your father and against you, spreading lies about the two of you. I am guessing that this is your grandmother MO, modus operandi: how she operates when it comes to personal relationships. Am I correct?

“Am I such a bad person?“- your grandmother seems to be the bad person, and I feel badly that as a result, you and your father are suffering.

“I don’t know what to do“- to the extent that it is possible, do not give your grandmother opportunities to hurt you further by… having no contact with her. What do you think of my suggestion?

anita

Dear Riri:

You are very welcome. “This is what I tried until now: talk as from respect because she is my mother’s mom“- she doesn’t deserve your respect. No mother deserves respect for raising a child whom she chooses to repeatedly mistreat!

How about… respect for your mother who, like you, had the misfortune of having this woman (her mother/ your grandmother) in her life, by no longer giving this woman access to you?

anita

How are you, Riri?

anita

Dear Riri:

You are very welcome. The question you asked in the title of your thread is: Family is always good? My answer: no. In your original post, you asked: “Am I such a bad person?” My answer is: no,  you are not a bad person at all for accurately recognizing that a member of your family is bad, aka toxic. I made such an recognition in the context of my own family, and as a result, I chose to no longer be in contact with that person, a choice I made and kept for close to 10 years.

I hope that you feel comfortable, Riri, to post again anytime you need my input. My best wishes for you in this new year!

anita