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January 31, 2016 at 5:03 pm #94492AmyParticipant
I don’t know what she sees at her fathers house. These are the exact behaviours that I was on the receiving end of when we were “together”. I’ve also seen him treat his mother the same way. I had to stand in between the two of them once as it looked like he was going to hit her. The girlfriend wouldn’t be getting that treatment just yet. It’s still early days.
Every second word out of his mouth is the “f word” or “c word”, so I guarantee my child was exposed to that by him (I don’t cuss, ever. I think it’s vile and makes the person look and sound uneducated)
It’s entirely possible that my child is picking up some of this behaviour elsewhere, but this all started developing as an infant, and as a stay at home mom, there wasn’t a lot of opportunity for outside influences (ie. Daycare)
I do think there is a lot of anxiety there and that it’s manifesting as anger and aggression. I have organised therapy, but it hasn’t started yet.
I do my very best to create a calm environment for my child. Anyone who is a parent knows that it’s impossible to maintain 100% of the time. I have been a lot better since withholding contact – and so has my child. I have no doubt my own stress and anxieties are an influence. I have no problem admitting that. Which is part of the reason why things have to change. I’ve done countless parenting classes, counselling sessions, therapy, anything that comes my way to help, I’m grabbing onto with a vice-like grip… Because I want change. I want the very best for my child.
January 31, 2016 at 5:14 pm #94501AnonymousGuestDear Amy:
I am getting to …know him more as we exchange more posts. Good answer: he expressed those behaviors with you, therefore it is his behavior. He owns that behavior. And I can see how a child will emulate such. You going to countless patenting classes is admirable as well as counseling sessions and I suppose he did none of these.
You wrote that you have been a lot better (calmer?) since “withholding contact”- you mean avoiding contact with him???
anita
January 31, 2016 at 5:35 pm #94510AmyParticipantI suppose that’s what I mean. Of course on the flipside, the anxiety of the mediation and pending court case, as well the “unknown” future, and fear of the outcome has replaced the anxiety of dealing with him.
So I’m not really any less anxious. Just a different kind of anxious.
January 31, 2016 at 5:50 pm #94518AnonymousGuestDear Amy:
I want to re-read our posts, from page one so to refresh my mind with the details and all. Will get back to you later. Please do take care of yourself… you’ve been anxious for so long, it is worrisome. Somehow to …. reminds me, when I used to be extremely distressed non stop almost, I remember my brain took breaks on its own, without any intentional effort on my part. I used to take daydreaming breaks, listening to music and imagining a different kind of life… Or I used to get into these laughing attacks, not that I was happy. My brain, I figured, couldn’t take that distress non stop so it took its own breaks. I wonder if your brain does it too, takes its own breaks?
anita
January 31, 2016 at 6:58 pm #94539AmyParticipantNot that I’ve noticed. Enjoy re reading the saga that is my life lol.
January 31, 2016 at 7:04 pm #94542AnonymousGuestDear Amy:
I read all your post from the beginning of this thread. A few things:
Congratulations for Three years and a few days of being sober yourself!
I suppose you are trying to protect your child referring to your child as he and she at different times, protective.
My personal sentiment: the one person I wish he/ your ex., would hit is his mother who treated him as a companion instead of as a child and she, his mother, did a lot to create who he has become.
You wrote yourself at the beginning: “I feel that the only way I will be able to let go and to heal is to completely cut ties”- the conclusion I came with later on my own.
More of my thoughts: he is a crappy influence on your child, so if I was you, I would never, ever do anything to encourage the father to attend your child’s events or spend more time with your child.
The man is so antagonistic to you at this point that if you want him to do X, better tell him you want him to do the opposite of X and he may just do X to spite you.
I wouldn’t hope for him to change or improve. I would only hope he feels his age and gets too old, too drunk and too involved with his girlfriend to have time for your child.
I hope the mediation will result in demanding he takes classes just so there is a chance he will not attend those and will get his visitations reduced or stopped.
If I was you, all I would hope for is that he will be a less and less of an interested father, not more as you hoped before, but less. It is better for your child to not have a father than to have a damaging father.
Till later, take care of yourself:
anita
February 1, 2016 at 2:46 am #94550AmyParticipantHi Anita
Yes, I’m using he/she/my child interchangeably to protect my child, and myself.
I still stand by what I said about my cutting ties, and you were spot on when suggesting it yourself. However I’m scared that doing so will eventually bite me. If I were to do so, and he decides to take me to court, I would be frowned upon for not attempting to do everything in my power to ensure my child maintains a relationship with my ex, and being viewed as just a woman scorned. If I were to produce my evidence (or lack there of) of abuse and neglect at that stage, the question would be asked why I didn’t go down the legal path myself, to protect my child.
That said, and in hindsight, I feel that I’ve probably taken the wrong path. It is possibly too late as I’m already in too deep. Can’t exactly pull out now. I’ve already told him that if he completes xyz, he will be able to see his child again. I was hoping that if I put enough obstacles in his way, he would give up. It doesn’t seem like that’s the direction it’s heading though. I think, best case scenario is that I drag it out as long as I possibly can. The process would be much more difficult for him in terms of practicality as I don’t need to take time off work, and don’t need to rely on public transport or other people to get me to mediation, lawyers appointments, court, etc.
As for being too old, to drunk and too busy with his girlfriend to be involved, that’s a possibility. He has already pulled back about 75% by not wanting to have anything to do with our child outside of his visitation since the gf came on the scene. (Heck, he hasn’t even requested to see our child at all since I pulled visitation! Not even for Christmas!)
However, his mother would never allow him to pull out 100%. She adores our child and I’m pretty sure it would kill her if she never got to see her only grandchild again. Might be a different story if he’s gotten his new gf pregnant (which I suspect he may have), and there’s another grandchild to spoil and destroy like she did her own children. I don’t know. I’m just speculating.
I remember having a discussion with a friend of mine back in the days not long after I left him. I said to her “I wish he would just find himself a girlfriend and leave us the hell alone”. Be careful what you wish for, eh?February 1, 2016 at 8:17 am #94563AnonymousGuestDear Amy:
A thought I had this morning before reading your latest post, about emotional acceptance, remember? No longer resisting reality, waking up each morning and saying: No, this cannot be my life! it is not supposed to be like this!
Well, I was thinking about accepting the following: he is not a good father. you stated this from the beginning, again and again. So it makes sense, if you fully accept it, to be interested in No relationship between your child and him. I think what happened in the past is that you were attached to the concept that a child needs a mother and a father. It is the social convention, but in reality, million of children (you when you were a child, included, not so?) who live with a mother and a father are mentally unwell and become very unwell adults. In my experience all it takes for a child to be mentally well is ONE good enough parent, only one parent in their lives to really see the child, pay attention, mirror feelings (“yes, I see that you are sad” for example), validate their feelings )”It hurts when X did this to you…), one parent for the child to feel safe to reach out to, etc.
So, accepting he is a bad father, have your intent at NOT encouraging a relationship between the two, it only makes sense.
As to your last post:I think the x,y.z step is not a bad one. Maybe he will not follow through. And about him having a girlfriend and being careful about what you wish… again, if he is a bad father and having a girlfriend caused him to be less involved with your child, why is it a bad thing???
In your favor, as I see it, is that he is older, almost 50, that he is occupied with a live in girlfriend and that he is likely to withdraw from your child further! This is a much better situation than if he was young and focused on your child, isn’t it?
anita
February 1, 2016 at 12:53 pm #94603AmyParticipantI would think, as an older male, he would be more likely to want a relationship with his child. I think I’ve said it before; he has absolutely nothing good in his life (in my opinion). He is a lost soul who never experienced the innocent and unconditional love of a child, and not just any child (his gf has children), but his own flesh and blood. He received no love or stability as a child from his own father. He has no education due to dropping out of school at age 15, no life experience due to daily drinking since the age of 15, and completely dependant on others because he has been handed everything to him on a plate and enabled by his mother and siblings, and a defeatist attitude with no desire or drive to fix any of that. My child is the little ray of sunshine that makes his life worth living.
The main reason that I have been pushing so hard for a father-child relationship is because, if it goes to court for whatever reason, I MUST be seen as to be encouraging a meaningful relationship between him and his child. The way I see it, the better I look in the eyes of the law, the worse he looks. I need to give him just enough rope so that he can (metaphorically) hang himself. The other reason is that I don’t want my child to hate me in 10 years because I stopped him from knowing his dad. Everyone has told me from the start; “when the child is old enough, they will see his true colours and come to that conclusion on their own”. I can’t risk that. Because He lives the lifestyle of a teenager, he will be known as the “fun parent”, where as I will be the “strict parent”. As a child, with no concept of responsibility, which would you rather live with?
My dream was for my children to have 2 amazing parents who loved them and each other unconditionally. This is part of the reason I’ve been trying so hard to change him and get him to grow up and see things from my point of view. I have said numerous times that “I only want what’s best for my child”, and I meant it. The problem is, he’s not changing and I have done nothing but make myself sick in the process. Thinking about is, I don’t even think completing XYZ will make a difference. He’ll do it just to tick the boxes, and nothing will change. I would put money on it.
February 1, 2016 at 2:47 pm #94607AnonymousGuestDear Amy:
I do not understand why you are hell bent on the man having a relationship with your child, I have no idea. From all that you shared you don’t want him to have a relationship with your child, not the man you described here post after post. You are trying to… force the man who is a bad influence on your child to have a relationship with your child. i don’t understand this conflicting motivation on your part. I am not talking about the court proceeding, I am talking about what Amy wants, in your heart:
Do you want, in your heart, that the abusive man you described to have a closer relationship with your child? You know who the man is: why in the world do you want him to have a relationship with your child???
anita
February 1, 2016 at 2:53 pm #94610AmyParticipantBecause, if I don’t, and he takes me to court over it, I could lose my child altogether for parental alienation.
February 1, 2016 at 3:17 pm #94615AnonymousGuestDear Amy:
I am confused at this point. i don’t know if you still want to change the man or you are resigned that he is the way he is. I don’t know if you want him to pursue having a relationship with your child, or not. I don’t know what you want from him at this point. I am confused. I think the legal proceedings are confusing you, the manipulation involved, you having to seem like you are motivated to pursue the man to be interested in your child… I wish you could separate the two: what you want and then, when the first part is clear, then what is the best way to handle the court business.
I wish you can think about it when you are calm….
anita
February 1, 2016 at 5:07 pm #94625AmyParticipantThat is part of my problem. What I want, and what is the right thing to do according to the law are 2 completely different things.
I know that going down the legal path will mean that he will still have visitation rights. Unless he’s a mass murderer, he has his rights.
So, when that happens, I need to be prepared. I need to know that he’s all in, or not at all. Also, I need to know my child will be safe in his presence. This wishy-washy “only in when it suits me” attitude has to stop, and what I have been doing over the last 6 years has not been working, so I changed tactics to get him to change. I want my child to have a father figure and a relationship with his extended family. Best case scenario for my child is that he sees the error of his ways and completely changes everything about himself. Is it likely to happen? No way. But, at least then the courts will know who made 110% of the effort, and who made none. I will have a better chance of removing his parental responsibility that way.Youre right, I have no idea what I’m doing anymore. I’m sorry that I’m being so unclear. I know what I’m trying to do, but it’s not coming across that way huh.
February 1, 2016 at 6:53 pm #94632AnonymousGuestDear Amy:
Your heart is in the right place, trying to protect your child. Your circumstances are difficult so no wonder you’ve been distressed for so long…
Your goal is then to minimize or eliminate child’s visitations with his father and to do so you have to appear to want the opposite. I think I got it and I hope I did.
It would be very nice if you had support in this, someone to take care of you as you are trying so hard to take care of your child. Now, that would really be nice. You too need to be taken care of.
It would have been nice if you could find comfort in the arms of someone good and strong…
Till later, take care-
anitaFebruary 1, 2016 at 11:37 pm #94679AmyParticipantThank you for your input. It is much appreciated.
Ok, so let’s work this from a different angle. Forget my exs behaviour for a moment. He is what he is, and there’s not enough classes in the world to change him. So, how do I stop him from getting to me so much, even with no contact between him and I? I want to Stop being so stressed about it. How do I relax and heal my fragile body and mind?
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