Hello
I am not sure if I would be able to share my feelings by the end of this post, but since writing them down always helps me I will share them here. I have always been an emotionally strong person, or so I like to think. I never share my deepest feelings with anyone and that’s not because I am scared of what people might think of me, but because I never felt the need to do so. People around me have always known me as the calm one. But lately I have been experiencing strange, tormenting emotions. I’ll turn 21 in a few months and will graduate next year in May. My problem is that all of a sudden, I have lost all my confidence. The plans that I made for my life now seem to me completely impossible. It’s as if I have always been living in a fantasy world and now those walls have been destroyed, leaving me vulnerable in front of the harsh realities of this world.

I chose to study literature because it offered me, and still continues to offer perspectives that my life doesn’t offer. It made me look the world closely and with a lot more sensitivity. Above all, it made me a very balanced person in terms of handling my reactions towards different situations. And now I plan to further pursue literature for my higher studies. But now as I stand at a very crucial stage, I find myself surrounded by doubts as to where will my passion lead me in future. My parents often advice me to go for a ‘real’ choice that will offer me security. I come from a middle-class family and in our country, the people from middle-class mostly seek the security of conventional careers. We live simple lives and have simple dreams. But despite of growing up in such a society, my parents have always allowed me the space to choose for myself. And I know that whatever I will decide to follow, they will always support me. Right from the time I got aware of the world outside, I have always tried to make my own way and achieve what I want. People have always had high expectations for me, they have always been proud of me- they say, ”she will go far, very far in her life”. But now I feel helpless. I am no longer the brave girl who wanted to travel the world, no matter what. Neither am I the same girl who would have done anything to achieve her goals. I find myself procrastinating things and plans. I am always thinking about my future, thus wasting away my present. I hate people because they think I am different, I am brave. I cry to myself without any reason. And the worst of all- I feel lonely, something that I never used to feel. There are days when I want to shout out everything that’s inside me and tell the world that I am so weak. But there is something inside me that has created my former self into a mask that I have to constantly wear.

I don’t know why but I am scared to discuss my feelings with my parents, especially with my mother. She has constantly been my guide and has always inspired me. But nowadays she is completely devoted towards my grandmother who is suffering from cancer. I love both of them very much and it pains me beyond repair to see them like this. My grandmother, whom we haven’t told about the illness, always blesses me to go and achieve my dreams, calling me her little angel. She is just like a child who believes that dreams can come true. I just smile at her and say that I will do anything that she wants. But I just want to go into her arms and cry like I used to do when I was young. And when I see my mother, I want to articulate all my fears, emotions and feelings. But I don’t do so. I don’t want to worry her with my petty problems while she is trying to save her own mother’s life. So I just shut myself in. And this is why I just keep dragging my existence even though I want to collapse. Even though I want a shoulder to cry on. Even though I want to love and get rid of love, at the same time. Life is absurd but I am struggling very hard to not hate it. I am afraid that this struggle will soon be futile.