Extreme guilt over breakup

New Reply

This topic has 27 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 11 months ago by Vidya.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 28 total)

1 2 →

Author

Posts
June 4, 2018 at 9:38 pm #210809

trekker_87
Participant

Everyday in the morning, I find myself brooding over this and unable to wake up from my bed. I keep spending a lot of time rolling and closing my eyes lying on the bed. I do not know if I am under depression

June 5, 2018 at 5:34 am #210855

Anonymous
Guest

Dear trekker_87:

It could be that she ended the relationship with you simply because she changed her mind about moving back to India. For one thing, she feels comfortable dressing a certain way where she lives and probably doesn’t want to conform to the more traditional dress code in India, for one. Then she has friends in the country where she lives. You wrote that in the last two months, “she has been traveling around with her friends every weekend, posting fun & frolic photos”

Reads to me that she broke off the relationship with you and the plans you both made not because you were disrespectful toward her, not because you made the comments you made about her drinking or clothes, not because you were “a chauvinistic pig or a man”, but simply because she has fun where she lives, she has friends there, is able to dress and drink the way she wants to, and does not want to lose her friends and comfort by moving back to India.

What do you think?

anita

June 5, 2018 at 6:54 am #210867
trekker_87
Participant
Dear anita

Thanks for replying.

The part which I am unable to understand is why did she not even had a proper dialogue with me, on her own aspirations. I feel very hurt by it

Never I had told her, you should not drink anymore or you should not wear these clothes. I had honestly told her these were initial unwanted insecurities I had but I was able to tide them over and I was comfortable with all of the same, which again I am admitting honestly here. I had also told her I was open to move abroad, when I had proposed to her, basis her choices/preferences

I am unable to fathom how can someone flip so quickly when till 2 days back we were talking to each other like 2 fully loved up people, discussing our life together and then drop me a message at 5 am in the morning and ghosting me out completely.

I am not seeing this an entitlement but this lack of closure hurts me brutally and keeps getting me back to what did I do wrongly when by heart I knew I really loved this woman as she was.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by trekker_87.
June 5, 2018 at 7:27 am #210879

Anonymous
Guest

Dear trekker_87:

Clearly you are hurting, very much so. I wish it wasn’t so, I wish she was honest and decent with you from the beginning and throughout. You seem to be taking responsibility more than you own. Her behavior is not a reaction to your behavior, I don’t think. She ghosted you not because you did something wrong but because it is easier for her to do so.

People don’t like confrontations, difficult situations. It takes a good character for a person to do what is difficult because it is the right thing to do.

Did you consider that she may not have a good character, and that is why she ghosted you?

anita

June 5, 2018 at 9:51 am #210917
trekker_87
Participant
Dear anita

Thanks again for replying.

I really do not want to be an idiot and start calling her names now. I was brutally honest, caring and genuine in my feelings towards her. She used to tell her soul should be mostly happy with me. I am a very caring and genuine person. I have a good mix of emotions & practicality so on and so forth. This was 10 days before when this happened.

A day before she did this, we were petting each other on text, when she was tired with work and blowing each other hugs & kisses. The day before she broke up, she told she was sick and I was so nervous that something was wrong with her and told her I wish I was next to her so that I can take care of her, for which she was all emotional. There were multiple occasions when she used to miss our planned calls due to oversleeping, I never used to over react. A few times, I used to taunt her saying she is so busy all the time but that’s it. No animosity.

The thing I am also worried I do not know what to talk and what not to talk in my future relationships. What are my boundaries? How accommodative I should be? Where do I draw a line?

and this line further confuses me – ” i was too strong and would not allow her to thrive freely and be her independent self and started feeling suffocated in the relationship”. I am in too much of self-introspection. I am struggling to see who am I
- This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by trekker_87.
June 5, 2018 at 10:53 am #210933

Anonymous
Guest

Dear trekker_87:

You are struggling to see what it is that you did wrong in this relationship, after all, “extreme guilt over breakup” is the title of your thread.

It doesn’t appear that she is suffering from the breakup: she has not reached out to you to help her and you “see no apparent discomfort in her” as a result of the breakup. The discomfort and “extreme guilt” is with you. You are the one suffering.

You are suffering because you believe that you are guilty. Your extreme guilt is not specific to this breakup. It is not new, is it?

anita

June 5, 2018 at 11:13 am #210939

trekker_87
Participant

Dear Anita

She is super active in Facebook. She shares videos like the true person whom you need to really marry. She shared a 6 month old photograph which she had shared with me, which her mom was skeptical to allow her to put on social media. These are the breadcrumbs I have. Her past relationships were like a 6 year old one where she was cheated upon and one more later a year back where the guy was commitment phobic. Her friend told me about a month back that she can empathize with me but as the girl is acting very withdrawn from family and friends, she does not know what to tell me.

This is my first proper relationship in life. I am generally a high internal locus of control individual and vocalky self critical as well. I am seeing this through the same lens and hence find it difficult and guilty

June 5, 2018 at 11:30 am #210941

Michelle
Participant

I don’t know where she lives but I will assume it is a western country. You must understand that western culture and eastern culture are very different. I second what Anita stated in that this girl simply wants the freedoms that she now has and probably second-guessed her initial talk of moving to India to be with you.

Sometimes things don’t work you. That is another difference in our cultures; there is much more of a dating culture here where people get to know what they like and what they are searching for before rushing into a marriage. You only knew each other for a few months. You admit that this was your first proper relationship in life. Learn from it and move on with someone who wants the same things as you do.

June 5, 2018 at 11:40 am #210943

Anonymous
Guest

Dear trekker_87:

You wrote that you are “a high internal locus of control individual”. Wikipedia states: “Individuals with a strong internal locus of control believe events in their life derive primarily from their own actions”- well some events do, and other events don’t. You believe that events that are not a result of your actions are a result of your actions.

Got to differentiate what is a result of your actions and what is not; what you are responsible for (what you caused to happen) and what you are not. I think that this lack of differentiation is the reason you “do not know what to talk and what not to talk in (your) future relationships”.

When you believe that you have more power than you do, you are afraid to say the wrong thing, not to say the right thing. You are afraid because your words and actions carry so much weight, in your own mind. Every word you say can build or destroy. Most often this is not the case- you don’t have that much power.

Do you relate to what I wrote here? If you do, when did it start, you believing that you have that much power?

anita

June 5, 2018 at 11:54 am #210951

Anonymous
Guest

Dear trekker_87:

I will be away from the computer for the next 15 hours or so. If you reply I will read and respond further when I am back. Of course, other members may reply to you as well, before I am back. I hope you feel better soon.

anita

June 5, 2018 at 12:10 pm #210955

trekker_87
Participant

Hi Michelle

She is in Thailand and her parents stay in India. Her brother and sister in law also stay with her. From the outset, we were clear that we were looking for a marriage and not for a casual fling. Her parents had taken our horoscopes and checked for compatibility immediately after our first meeting, at her behest. We were talking to get married in the usual Indian culture.

I am hurting more not because of rejection but the way it was done appears to me as if I did something despicable and that is what leading to guilt.

What made her act lovey dovey on previous day before brutally cutting me off without any explanation or closure hurts me

June 5, 2018 at 12:15 pm #210959

trekker_87
Participant

Hi Anita

By mistake I had clicked the report button. Please pardon me 🙂

I am able to understand your point. If someone wants to be with you, they will make the effort to reach out to you for clarity rather than going on with assumptions. So I should not beat myself up and keep feeling guilty

June 6, 2018 at 4:11 am #211183

Anonymous
Guest

Dear trekker_87:

That’s okay, clicking the button by mistake. I noticed you thanked me repeatedly for replying and I didn’t acknowledge you thanking me, so I do now: you are very welcome.

I re-read your original post. You read like a very rational, thoughtful man, and I do hope that the woman who will end up marrying you will be a good woman worthy of such a thoughtful, considerate and respectful man.

I agree with you that you “should not beat (yourself) up and keep feeling guilty” regarding this breakup. Having re-read your original post I see that she had from the very beginning a problem talking about certain issues (“she would never discuss relationship, life related issues”), so no wonder she didn’t discuss with you the breakup either, beyond messaging you saying you are a really nice guy etc. The latter is consistent with her inclination to not talk about relationship issues.

You wrote that she did talk about “her leaving her job and taking up music as her career, which she was always doubtful if her spouse would support”. Her friend later on “hinted that my girl felt I … would not allow her to thrive freely”-

Well, she was “doubtful if her spouse would support” a music career (which includes, in her mind, wearing revealing and tight fitting clothes) and she believed you wouldn’t. This here may very well be the reason. She didn’t communicate this to you, or otherwise, she didn’t communicate to you more about her thoughts and feelings because she was/ is not in the habit of doing so.

Not even with her friend who told you she was “also shocked at her change of mind”. She doesn’t like to talk about certain things, whatever makes her uncomfortable to talk about.

anita

June 6, 2018 at 5:13 am #211187

trekker_87
Participant

Hi Anita

Few clarifications – She wanted to take up singing – classical singing which did not require any of the tight fitting, revealing clothes and all. Even then, the comment I had made in one of her youtube jamming videos, which was done casually, was a moment of indiscretion, where she in her hot pants and looking so toned, was super hot. After that, there were multiple occasions, when she used to send me selfies of her in trendy & tight clothes, where I was able to appreciate her prettiness wholeheartedly without getting insecure on her. Her question of spouse supporting was more in terms of she being a post graduate and her spouse insisting her to take up a job for financially supporting the family. When she aired this concern to me, I fully empathized with her situation, shared instances which people have done and reassured her. She replied she felt like hugging me for this.

My only problem is all these conversations happened over text. For example, once she asked me in the middle of usual whats up chat when we both were in office, do I have any burning dream like her which does not keep me asleep, which is risky. I told her I used to have lofty dreams once, but now I am more like I will go with the flow and take up something if it comes up. My focus now is to get married and set up a family and iron out any issues in the next 2 years. I am person who always believe in doing small things right, be it professional or personal as I know with a good heart & clear mind, everything else will fall in place. Now this was I talking about me and not about us. But there is a good chance she might interpret this as I am talking about us. My whole point here was I shall be stable so that you can do all experiments in life. In a face 2 face conversation, all these things are easy to comprehend. In fact, we moved quickly probably from say 20% to 60% in our confidence about each other after spending 48 hours talking & understanding each other. She is a spontaneous person while I am more organized and planned. We concurred that both of us need a bit of other;s qualities for a better life and we will balance things well. She used to say rigidity makes her feel suffocated and also shared that i am flexible and fun with the right company. I even asked her does she believe an artsy person as a partner will suit her better for which she became defensive as to where did she say that. But again this was all texting

Hence, I always wanted to do a video call or face to face meeting to discuss and hear out all our core issues. In short, i wanted each of us to bare her souls. The message she wrote me was “It won’t work out because we are different in small things which are really important to me, the way we certain things, priorities, timelines etc…”.

I did drop her a message about 15 days back in a light hearted manner sharing my views on what might have gone wrong and reassured her, where probably I would have been misunderstood and I am willing to talk to her. She did not again reply though she has not blocked me

With 2 months gone, I know this is a lost cause. I know I might have committed some rookie relationship mistakes. But cold shouldering I got after all that abundance of love & sweetness, without even discussing what bothers her still hurts me and casting doubts on my communication style

Do people really drop off without any sort of discussion? How good/bad is texting in taking right decisions? A lot of context to me gets lost in texting as I pointed out here

June 6, 2018 at 5:30 am #211191

Anonymous
Guest

Dear trekker_87:

I can only imagine how much communication gets distorted when texting. In the context of your thread I understood certain things not the way they were: I thought that wearing tight/revealing clothes was part of her idea of performing her music. But not so. And I thought she was concerned about a spouse not supporting her music career because of the clothing involved, but not so: her concern was about a spouse wanting her to have an income from a job related to her education. Am I understanding it correctly now?

And this is key, going back and forth, correcting misunderstandings.

You asked: “Do people really drop off without any sort of discussion?” Yes, even without the little communication she did give you, before she went silent. People don’t like to feel uncomfortable and I am guessing telling you more than she did, or having a discussion felt like an uncomfortable, distressing endeavor, for her. So she avoided it and avoids it.

And yes, texting is known to be a faulty mean of communication. It is a good way to communicate something like: “I will be late for dinner, be home at about seven” something like that, that is all. Not heart-to-heart talks.

anita
Author

Posts