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Extreme Fear of Getting Hurt Again

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  • May 9, 2016 at 11:31 am #104043
    Trixa
    Participant

    Hi There,

    I have been cheated on multiple times in the past. Now that I am in a really serious relationship (we live together for 2 years now and been together for 3) I didn’t realize that I become so paranoid, gets jealous easily, becoming controlling because of my subconscious fear of getting hurt again. I really love my partner and I am willing to work on my self to make this relationship work but sometimes my negative thoughts gets the better of me and my mind starts to spiral into thinking of different things that could happen in our relationship. It all started when I started snooping into my partner’s phone and found a back and forth text message from this girl that used to work in the same building as his. The conversation were friendly in nature but what bugged me the most at the time is the frequency of the messages and the time mostly at night. I confronted him about that and found out that she is just a friend and she is apparently married. I asked him why did he hide the fact that he found a new friend at work that he talks to at a regular basis. I told him that that is why I get upset is because of the fact that he hid it from me. He then said that its because he knows how I will react.

    Another thing that annoys me is that this woman will bombard him with text messages and sometimes would send picture messages of whatever she sees interesting that she thinks she would share with my partner and she would text him late nights, weekends and odd times that I felt she is being disrespectful of boundaries for she knows I exist and I felt bad for her husband as well but that is none of my business. When I confronted him about this odd times of text messaging he stopped talking to her at those odd times and he promised me that he will just ignore her messages. Until my paranoia kicked in again yesterday. (I found out about those messages back in November 2015) I snooped on his phone and found that this woman started to message him again and since its been a while since they last talked to each other she was updating him point by point on what has happened to her in the past 6 months or so. amd btw they moved to the building right across from us. Sometimes she would inform him that she would be running down the trail and kept asking him when can they go for drinks. To be honest, I was livid. After the promises that he will ignore her so I wont get upset but the moment she messages him he replied.

    He assured me that he is not cheating and wont do me any wrong and I need to trust him. I know in my heart that he wont betray me like that but my past keeps haunting me. Its like the wounds of the past are raw again. I know I had t work on my self and stop thinking negatively about my partner because its like I am insulting his character.

    If you can give me an advise on how to put my mind at ease and not get bother by these stuff so I dont get stressed. It’s exhausting and I rather not get worked up over things like this. Thank you.

    May 9, 2016 at 11:48 am #104045
    Michelle Scott
    Participant

    There is a fine line between getting worked up about something because of past hurts, and knowing how a situation is heading because of past experiences. I thought the same thing about my ex husband and his coworker, and I tried my best to let it go. But in the end, I was right and I knew it all along.
    It is in their actions that proves to you whether you are just imagining situations, or if you truly know what’s going to happen next.
    Deep down, you probably already know the answer.

    May 9, 2016 at 12:00 pm #104046
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear annegarcia2425:

    There are three possibilities, roughly:
    1. He is doing something inappropriate for a man in a relationship with you and your jealously is valid, not based on your past.
    2. He is doing nothing inappropriate and your jealousy in not valid and based only on your past that has surfaced.
    3. He is doing something inappropriate that triggered and intensified your past wounds.

    I think it is 3. He may not have a sexual relationship with her, but he may have gone for drinks with her, it seems like, from the texts you found out. They text late at night, although she is married and he is in relationship with you. Part of you knows very well this is not appropriate for her or for him and that triggers old wounds, making them bleed again.

    If you agree, if this is what you feel and understand, why don’t you share this with your boyfriend, tell him why you believe (again) that his behavior is inappropriate. Ask him how he feels about it, if he thinks the late night texting is appropriate. Listen to what he says. Be patient and listen.

    There is more to the conversation that needs be, but first part of it, I believe, is the above: telling him how the texting at odd hours bothers you and ask him if he thinks it is appropriate. I would also ask him if he had drinks with her, and if he thinks it is appropriate, the right thing to do for a married woman and a man in a relationship.

    Please post again.

    anita

    May 9, 2016 at 12:15 pm #104047
    Trixa
    Participant

    Thank you for the responses. We had a conversation about their inappropateness and from what he told me he doesnt really text her that much and no more late night texting. I asked if they met for drinks and he said no and he doesnt think it is appropriate for him to hang out with her.

    She can be very persistent based on the amount of text messages she sents him. Just like when I read it yesterday, she sent him lots of text messages (from thursday till saturday) including a picture of her holding a glass of whiskey saying happy friday. The last time he responded to her text was thursday. I mean she doesn’t get it. She will keep texting.

    I told him that it bothers me and what he said to me is that its normal that people text and talk and be friends outside the relationship which made me feel silly and stupid.

    Sometimes I cant help but think that I have severe trust issues and it so hard for me to trust. His favourite line is to find it in my heart to trust him but I’ve done that in the past and I was burned. And with this text messaging back again in the issue I am not really sure what to feel and do.

    May 9, 2016 at 12:30 pm #104048
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear annegarcia2425:

    Next conversation, you can suggest that you, your boyfriend and this woman (and maybe her husband) meet for coffee or tea: get to know each other as a double coffee date. Observe his reaction and/ or ask him how he feels about it. Then post again…?

    anita

    May 9, 2016 at 12:48 pm #104049
    Trixa
    Participant

    That is exactly what I said to him yesterday. I told him that maybe I wanna be friends with her and her husband too. He said that would be a good idea so we can have more social life and he said that would be good for us but I didnt really make any plans yet but I will bring it up and make a solid plans to meet up.

    I try my best to not be judgemental of her because in my mind she might just be a really friendly person and she is just like that.

    Thank you for the suggestion and I will post it for updates.

    May 9, 2016 at 12:58 pm #104050
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear annegarcia:

    I am glad you suggested this very thing and I am glad he responded positively Please do post an update, hopefully with good news, for you.

    anita

    May 10, 2016 at 2:38 am #104113
    anyone
    Participant

    believe your intuition about the situation, whatever it tells you. i identify with your fear of getting hurt due to past experiences – it is inspiring to me that you made the choice to offer meeting with the woman and her husband to see if you could all try to forge friendship. that is a huge act of maturity, trust, and love for anyone and especially someone who is coming from a background of suffering betrayal in past relationships. thank you for sharing your experience and i wish for you healing, and love.

    May 10, 2016 at 10:00 am #104154
    Trixa
    Participant

    Dear Anyone,

    Thank you for the heart warming response. I am glad I was able to inspire you.

    I also wanted to share an epiphany I had two nights ago through a very vivid dream/nightmare. I dreamt about the exact scenario I had with the past betreyals I had and I was talking and crying (almost hysterical) to my bestfriend and I was saying to her that I wish he would just tell me and be man enough to let me know that what we have is over instead of cheating on me. It would have been kind and I would have been able to move on and have the luxury of time to heal like he did.

    When I woke up, I realized that this what I am afraid of the most. To be wasting time, that is why maybe I exhaust my self everytime on fact finding so I can be sure that I am not wasting my time and if it necessary for me to just move on.

    I am really sad that most of us are experiencing this kind of pain. It might be years ago but once we are reminded of past hurt it feels brand new again.

    I just hope that this people who chose to betray the ones who love them will realize that they are not only ruining the relationship but they are ruining the person’s perspective on love and relationships too.

    May 12, 2016 at 12:18 pm #104379
    Tommi
    Participant

    There are 2 things:

    1st: Men and women are never friends like men would be with each other or women with each other. I have had this conversation with many many guys with real life friends and online friends and everyone agreed. Out of all the guys I have ever known only one was hanging out with girls as a friend and he turned out to be gay or bi. I cannot say if this is the case from women’s perspective but as a guy I would never text a girl or hang out with a girl if I wasn’t interested in her. Of course we can be friends as co-workers, in school or have a chat with neighbours etc. but not go for a drinks and keep texting regularly. ESPECIALLY if hes hiding it from you, it’s not just friendly chat.

    2nd: If you have been attracting unfaithful men in the past and there haven’t been any change, the past will repeat itself. If you have problems trusting men in relationship and you have belief or fear that men will cheat on you, you will attract unfaithful partners. You create your reality mostly out of your subconscious believes and fears. Have you ever had lucid dreaming experience? Meaning in the dream you realize you are dreaming and you are able to create anything in the dream “reality”. If you are afraid of something it will pop up and as soon as you “relax” that fear or keep thinking something positive it will change into that. It’s exactly same with this “waking reality” expect with slightly different rules with gravity and time.

    When you recognize the “reality of the reality” nothing can really bother you. But when we are very serious about life and we invest our peace of mind expecting people to behave in certain way life really kicks your ass to wake you up so to speak. I’m not going to advice what to do with your relationship or anything. I just wanna point straight to the root problem

    May 13, 2016 at 12:07 pm #104466
    North
    Participant

    I don’t think the past has a negative bearing but provides you a good point of reference that cheating does happen, and is possible to happen again. I recently was cheated on for the 4th time in my adult life (if you call 18 years old an adult the first year in college) and the first three were small isolated ‘cheats’ the last time was a hidden love relationship and has literally put me into counseling, panic attacks, PTSD, and more. But not about me. He has crossed the boundry, and so has she. There is a grown relationship stemming from their original friendship, I’m sorry, but it is true. Have you, him and her ever met for coffee or lunch or anything? that is one of my ‘litmus tests’. The other base rule I have is that each individual can have friends of the opposite sex — but existing friends, not making new friends of the opposite sex. there is too much to chance and not a good practice. Good luck. your inner sense tells you it is not right, and I believe you want confirmation.

    May 13, 2016 at 12:17 pm #104467
    North
    Participant

    I am going thru that now, the betrayal. He moved on, and chose not to tell me. So he is not hurt over our breakup, he healed and moved on and has someone, but did not afford me that opportunity either. so shock set in. I have lost over a year of my life to get back on track and not even close yet. I thought he was the one, and coming from a loveless marriage I learned from the ex- BF what it felt to be in a ‘couple’ and a relationship, and I really want to live happily ever after like that. Now I can not begin to even think about that — to trust, to be touched, to love. I feel like he robbed my future from me. I don’t know if I can ever trust again. I have friends that are divorced, or alone and are fine with that. I know I want someone. But fear that I will either never find anyone again, or ever give them a fair chance. There is no ‘timeline’ to this but I am just so angry that someone stole my future from me.

    May 18, 2016 at 12:28 pm #104925
    Trixa
    Participant

    I haven’t brought that coffee meeting again, I am not sure if I really wanted to be friends with her to begin with. I am not the type who will pretend to like you if I know in me that I don’t like you and here comes the issue of really wanting to know what’s going on.

    For the past a week and a half, I just stopped caring about who he talks to on his phone, what he does, where he goes. I stopped checking on him when he is at work and I kept my self busy. I enrolled in a fitness class, making healthy meals and practicing mindfulness. I am just focusing on my self and so far he is acting the way I wanted him to. He now checks up on me, wondering what I have been up to. I pretty much is showing him that my world does not revolve around him alone. As a result, I am more relaxed, things like this stop bothering me a lot. It still does sometimes and I will just snap my self out of it. (it’s easier now)

    I am a control freak and I know that. I am afraid of losing control and that makes me paranoid and it adds horror scenes in my mind but ever since I stopped caring, the paranoia is diminishing. From all of this I learned that we really cannot control people. We cannot stop them from cheating on us and betraying us. They will do it if they really want to and if they did that is on them. I am a catch. He will end up losing an amazing woman and she will lose her marriage and I will for sure lose years of good relationship, a friend, but it will be a good riddance if it comes to that.

    I am all for fighting for our relationship but I will never compete with another woman over his attention and that’s what we need to do ladies. If he really loves me which he says he does he will do the right thing. He is a man and I am hoping that he will be man enough to act appropriately and if not it is lost not mine.

    I have been doing a lot of thinking too lately and asking myself if I really wanna play detective all the time? If I had to do that then we shouldn’t be in a relationship. I lose sleep because I over think things and I dont think it is worth it. I made my choice of loving my self and focusing on my self.

    I guess right now I am just relying on fate. If we are meant to be together,perfect. If not, at least I am walking away with my dignity intact. I didn’t wreck any relationship or hurt anybody and I strongly believe in Karma. What goes around comes around.

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