Hi Little Buddha, I too feel and act the same as you do. I wish I could offer strong advice to help you (us) but I’m learning how to overcome this myself : | I have been doing this more though and its been helping me: when I feel the “stuckness” to express what I feel, I try sitting still and really sensor my emotions and as they come up or feel strong I ask myself (kinda of like a second party) “why am I feeling like this? and/or what can I say/do to help me in this situation?” The simply asking yourself has been really helpful to me becuase if you remain neutral without the ego interfering (this is very hard) you may receive a honest answer. Its a practice I try to work on everyday! It’s hard to express when Im hurt cause I fear I’ll appear weak or jealous so nothing is said on my part and I create a wedge like you said and I become passive agressive. Do you do that as well? Do you feel like its your pride that holds you back like your afraid of sounding needy?

Thanks Matt. Excellent insight as always.

Helllllllooooooooooooo Little Awesome Buddha

“Somethings gotta change, but I’m not sure how to bring about that change. Do I need to move to another city? Get new friends? Get a new job? Find a new calling or purpose in life? Get a new hobby? All of these things seem external to me and I keep reading that happiness comes from within. I just need to find it”

Again, I will share my story and I will try and help you in forming a plan for yourself moving foward. Hey, I only believe in moving forward so you have a choice to join me on the journey or you can keep asking the questions lol.

I have done all the changing of cities, changing of specialities, changing of friends, changing of houses etc in the hope that my suffering would end but guess what…..suffering followed me in a different disguise with the new changes. When I realised that the changing of external environment was not leading to my happiness, I started on the inward journey.

Now, I am going to share my priceless lessons with you. Print them out mate for future 😉

I started with a prayer. Prayer to self. Please help me and guide me so that I can begin an inward journey. Give me all the help that I need to keep me in the right direction. Give me only that much help that I can assimilate at that time and as I grow, I can have more. Let me learn the lessons that I have chosen for myself. Help me let go. FULL STOP.

Tailor-made plan for you, my dear friend:

1. If you have realised that you need to change and you have had enough of your life events to date, learn to take an action and tell your mind that you are in action mode. No more excuses. No more running away. Head on like sumo wrestlers and the winner is going to be YOU and not your mind.

2. Start with baby steps and learn to be kind to yourself if you fail to achieve those goals. Try again in a different style.

3. Your issues stem from childhood and beyond. Let go of your resentment for Dad. Forgive him and realise that he has done the best he could for you. He didnt know any better and still doesnt. Parents do the best for us in their capacities. They are NOT going to change. So let go. Forgive them and feel your heart filling up with love for dad. Then move to mother and other siblings. FULL STOP. No more blaming family for your miseries, no more seeking forgiveness for them as you have already let go now, no more putting them down from today onwards etc. YOU WILL ONLY GIVE THEM LOVE FROM NOW ON.

4. Now moving to Little Buddha – remember all the incidents from you childhood, which brought out the worst in you such as fear, self-doubt, resentment, anger etc. One by one, let go of the incident. See Little buddha having a positive experience instead of a negative experience in that incident. LET GOOOOOOO one by one. If you need to write it down, do so and then burn those incidents away. Visualise them burning away for good. Aaah, what a relief. FULL STOP. No more blame, no more fear.

5. Now move on to your immediate love interests or kids – ex-wife, serious GFs, kids etc. Repeat the same process as you did for your birth family. Now, You are only going to give LOVE to them whenever you meet them.

5. Once you have done above (which will take few days to a few weeks depending on your level of commitment and passion for change), I will share my other tips with you if YOU WANT. Until you become a clean slate, starting an inward journey for good is gonna be very hard. You will keep yo yoing around.

Best wishes my friend. Life is unfolding beautifully for you

Jasmine

Hello all,

I’ll offer a bit of my own story as an example and how things have turned out for me. It might not seem to answer the original question, but since there has been discussion about codependency and holding back feelings, I think it might be appropriate.

I grew up being very codependent, and other people’s needs were much more important to me than my own. I don’t think I even understood my own needs. I was just focused on trying to keep everything peaceful and safe; if other people would feel good, then I would feel good. So I handled myself through handling other people. I did so through subtle emotional manipulation. Of course, I didn’t see it as manipulation, but that’s what it was. To me it was just business as usual.

A few years ago I met someone who started to point out to me the reality of my modus operandi. I had heard before that the codependent way of dealing was actually manipulation, but I discarded the idea, as it was too difficult for me to accept. That me, who was always so worried about other people, would actually be doing something wrong? Anyway, occasionally, he would point out to me that I was trying to make him feel or do something with subtle ways. To me it was just normal way of behaving, so it felt weird to see it from another perspective. He told me that if I needed something, or wanted to discuss something, then all I had to do was say so. It should be common sense, but for me it felt like the most groundbreaking idea 🙂 That I should actually directly say what I wanted?

After this I started to be more aware of my behaviour patterns. It was actually quite horrible, because I noticed that every time I opened my mouth and words came out, I was manipulative. I said things that I thought the other person would want to hear, or that would make them do something or feel something. When I tried to examine what it was that I myself actually wanted or needed, I had no idea. I couldn’t comprehend such simple task.

My relationship to this person broke down and that was the catalyst to my recovery. It was too much to take that my lifelong behaviour patterns would’ve cost me someone so precious. It has now been around 2,5 years of work, setbacks and breakthroughs.

What Matt is saying sounds incredibly simple, but that is exactly what I have been trying to practice. If you want something, ask. The other person might say “no”, or they might say “yes”. I have to say though, the feeling that you get from expressing your desires honestly and then getting a “yes”, without any manipulation, is such a rush. It’s amazing. Interestingly, getting a “no” is much easier to handle now than when it was when I wasn’t communicating honestly. It doesn’t crush me. It’s so simple now. You ask for something, if you don’t get it, then fair enough. Then you can move on and you don’t have to keep wondering if you should’ve said it in a different way or in a different time.

I’m aware that I still might have ways of dealing with things that aren’t straightforward. I’m aware of my possible unawareness, let’s put it that way. Which is why I have asked people to tell me if they perceive something that I can’t see, and which is why I have a tendency to point out something I see in others, even if it’s something they might not want to hear.

I danced around other people my whole life and I was joined by other similar people who danced around me. Looking back at it now, life was horrible. Now, when something arises in me, I acknowledge it, accept it and then deal with it accordingly. Who I truly am is now connecting in an authentic way with the world around me, and it’s like life has colours now. Even the simplest things feel so vivid, because I connect with them directly, without any buffers or filters. It is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I hope that same for others. It takes time, it’s not easy, and I don’t think I’m fully there yet, but it has been all worth it. I’m actually alive now. A wholly recommended experience 🙂

• This reply was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by The Ruminant.

Why be ashamed of something that is unconscious? We all do the best that we can with what we’ve got. Sometimes we are lacking tools, sometimes just too afraid or sometimes really just lack the understanding that something is happening.

Accepting past mistakes does require humility, but there is no reason to take on shame.

Hey Awesome Little Buddha. More tips will only make sense if you are able to work on the tips that I have already offered.

If your glass is only half empty and I have already filled it up with relevant amount of information, anything more is only going to overflow, which will be a waste – both for yourself and myself.

Work on the issue with Dad first and I assure you things will be better. If need be, talk to dad and see if he can tell you the reason for your current state and how to come out of it etc.

Blessings

Jasmine