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Ex Texted and Apologized — Now What?

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  • This topic has 9 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 9 years ago by Jodi.
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  • November 15, 2015 at 9:16 am #87524
    Mark
    Participant

    Briefly, I dated a woman for three months. Everything was great and I thought we had a long term future, but then we had some communication snafus and I broke up with her. I quickly realized that I acted rashly and apologized and asked if we could try again. She agreed, and apologized too, but she would keep bringing up how the breakup bothered and hurt her. I apologized again and suggested we talk about it (this was all by text), but that never happened. Finally she told me she was looking for a guy who would do more for her than she would for him and would be okay with that. That’s not what I want, so we just stopped communicating.

    One month after no contact, she texted to say I had been on her mind and she wanted to say hi and hoped I was well. I replied that she had been on my mind too, that I was well and that I hoped she was well. She then texted me an apology, “from the bottom of my heart, I sincerely apologize for the agony I put you through. I failed to understand you, and I’m sorry. I could only ask for your forgiveness.” I replied that I was sorry too and that we had both fallen short. She replied, “yeah, I most certainly did.”

    We haven’t communicated since. If she’s truly sorry (I’m not sure about what, exactly), I’d like to give us another try, but I don’t know if she wants to try again or just wanted to apologize and move on.

    Any thoughts/suggestions? Thank you. She really was special to me, even though we only dated for three months.

    November 15, 2015 at 9:39 am #87531
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear bullett:

    I don’t see harm in asking her what she apologized for specifically to start with, just asking for information: what in her mind did she do wrong or otherwise what is she specifically apologizing for? The answer is crucial for understanding and figuring your next move if there is to be one.

    Examples abound: she could be apologizing because she had a religious experience of some kind and wants to cleanse herself from any possible wrong doing, in which case she is not apologizing for anything, really. It could be it is one of the steps in AA, and she is following the directions of an AA sponsor. It could be that she had a momentary regret and already forgot what it was. It could be she had a sincere and meaningful understanding of some sort, and understanding that will promote the chances of an excellent future with her.

    Got to ASK. Not assume, not hope with no evidence- ASK. Like someone that needs the information so to process it and make a reasonable decision based on information needed.

    anita

    November 15, 2015 at 9:55 am #87532
    Mark
    Participant

    Anita,

    Thank you for your response. That’s an interesting perspective, and one I hadn’t considered. I’m also confused by her comment that she failed to understand me. I’m reluctant to start with something so “heavy,” particularly by text. I feel her text may have been testing the waters for a reconciliation, and since I haven’t heard from her for almost a week, perhaps she was just apologizing and nothing more. I was hoping she’d contact me again, but maybe I should just send a “hi, it was nice to hear from you” text and see what happens. If she’s receptive we could hopefully meet to talk sometime soon. I’m just unsure how best to proceed.

    Thanks again.

    November 15, 2015 at 1:25 pm #87540
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear bullet:

    Why is asking what she meant “so heavy?” Why is asking and looking for the meaning of things “heavy” ?

    is it not heavy to wait and wait for her to contact you? How about you contacting her, meeting her and asking?

    If she doesn’t want to answer, if she says it is heavy and therefore not worthy of her time and effort, well you have the answer there.

    If a person doesn’t want to say their truth, they may say it is too heavy, that you are being heavy and … weird for wanting them to say what they mean. That is a manipulation. Just ask.

    anita

    November 15, 2015 at 2:13 pm #87544
    tarni
    Participant

    Just text back with a good morning/good afternoon and how are you and if you get a response then ask would she like to have a coffee/drink…that way at least you will know for sure if she wants to see you again. At the moment you don’t seem to be getting over her, asking to meet up she’ll say yes or no, if it’s no at least you can move on. Texting is too hard for a proper chat, you need to speak properly face to face or at least a phone call.

    November 15, 2015 at 7:42 pm #87595
    Mark
    Participant

    Thank you for your suggestions. It’s hard when you’re so close to something, so being able to hear from other thoughtful people is very helpful.

    November 15, 2015 at 7:58 pm #87596
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear bullett:

    You are welcome. Indeed when you are so close to something, your vision is blurred. So it is for everyone.

    Asking when you are calm enough to listen for the answer will un-blur your vision. Please post again.
    anita

    November 16, 2015 at 3:22 pm #87686
    Mark
    Participant

    Quick update — I texted my ex this morning to say hi and wish her a nice day. She responded in kind to me, so I asked her for coffee. She agreed and we’ll get together this weekend. Whatever happens, I will be good with it. Thank you again.

    November 16, 2015 at 6:09 pm #87696
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, bullett, please do update. I hope the meeting with her will be meaningful, a simple, honest, direct exchange of information. Please do update again!

    anita

    November 17, 2015 at 7:59 am #87762
    Jodi
    Participant

    My question would be, what has changed for either of you other than you apologized? Does she still want something different than you do or have one or both of your changed your mind? If nothing has changed and you still want different things then trying again may just prolong the inevitable breakup. A conversation about these things is in order for you to know how to proceed.

    Best of luck!
    ~Jodi

    • This reply was modified 9 years ago by Jodi.
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