@J – Your situation really resonates greatly with me. I would love to offer you advice but I feel like @Matt as well as everyone else on here have done an absolutely amazing job from reading through everything. I also have very similar issues (about sex and your other emotional pains) and it would be absolutely amazing if I could possibly contact you for advice about my newfound breakup since I have so many questions that I feel like you might be able to answer. I would also do my best to talk to you about your situation since I think I can empathize to a large degree.

@Matt / @sojourner – Your responses were extremely powerful to me and really helped gave me a healthy perspective on my own breakup right now. Like J, and although this might be odd to ask (and you are free to decline), I would just really appreciate having the option to speak individuals who are extremely wise on this topic that might help me settle my chaotic emotions should I flare up.

Thank you so much all.

@amatt – How embarrassing that I addressed the wrong person! My apologies if you happen to see this message.

I suppose the correct people to address would be: @jaymarshx and @sojourner.

My email address is: symphonicsilver@gmail.com

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Thank you so much, all.

Sure thing, tinybuddhamatt@gmail.com

With warmth,
Matt

Hi there J,

It is a little late on this thread and I hope you are staying strong and happy with yourself before anything else.
I would like to share the other end of the spectrum here of opinions. I am going through a breakup of my own (my ex of almost 4 years, we broke up first a year ago, then made up, and here I am now 2 weeks into break up). Now, I am 23, so yes I am a little young. However, I come from a family where we have deeply routed values and my values always come first when it comes to my decisions like choosing a partner.

I am not the type that would go around sleeping with other women just as flings, that is just the way I am ok, now the terms “right” and “wrong” do apply to me, and ONLY me as they are subjective. Now my ex was very much like me, a little on the immature side but I truly did influence her in a good way and she did the same for me after those four amazing years. I know her well, and the person she is and the person I’ve known for all this time is somebody who would not just have one-night stands, who has values very similar to my own when it comes to sexuality.

That being said, I am moving on, but I know I will run into her in the future and that if I continue to have faith in myself then I will ultimately come to a crossroads myself just like you were, where I can either choose to begin anew with her or keep moving on. So, given her character and values that existed since we broke: if I met her down the road and she told me (and tell me she would, as she cannot lie) that she had sex with others while rebounding and hurt, while hoping to start something with me, then I would surely feel similar to how your felt when you found out.

However, I would most likely NOT get back with her after hearing this news. Yes I said it. After the shock and primal jealousy passed, I would not go into a new relationship with her. Why? Because her doing that, in my view, shows weakness. It shows 1) that her emotions overtook her core values (we established that we both had these values as I previously mentioned), which makes me question what her values and beliefs really are and if they truly exist and shape her as they do for me. OR 2) : that she was and always will be (until she finds herself maybe or matures) an innately different person than what I thought she was. Meaning, that as soon as my interactions and indirect influence on her disappear, she is a different person, with different values or lack there of in any major respect.

Now on Note 1) if her emotions constantly overrode her values, then I personally consider this a lack of character, or more simply: just another typical person. It also shows (in my opinion) that she is unstable and thus I would not want to date someone who does not know herself, who is so easily influenced and who does not have much self-discipline.

So, you knew your ex (if she still is your ex) , and only you can gauge her values. In my case, again, based on how she was as I knew her, if she went sleeping around right away when single, then I would not go back to her as I believe for myself that I deserve somebody better than her (note: this is subjective so don’t go on hammering me with all this sex is sex bs). I got along well with her because we shared similar values (ok im sick of this word now), and I would seek to have a relationship with another woman who felt the same way or similar.

So, if your ex matches up to the hypothetical situation and position that I described above, then I’d say that you deserve way better than her. You will know that you are better than her when the jealousy and insecurity of hearing this news is finally accepted by you, but your disgusted or uninterested feelings towards her linger on when all the dust has settled.

I emphasize all this value shit because I would do my best not to date somebody who didn’t really know themselves i.e. who became a dramatically different person while with me, and then dramatically changed as soon as I was away. You want to be with somebody who is stable, who knows herself, so that you two different and whole-individuals can begin an amazing relationship.

All the best,

Singh

Of course, ssingh17050@gmail.com

cheers