J

Re: Matt … agreed.

You said you had your own period of emotional confusion. Have you forgiven yourself first? You are seeking rational answers to explain your emotions. Best to accept them and send them on their way if you want to be with her. That is, forgive yourself and her.

You might do well having a couple sessions with a professional to reason and feel this out. I have done this a couple times and it was an enormous help to me.

Big blue

J,

Well then, perhaps its time to learn how to let go? Like, in the past, all sorts of jealousies, angers, and fears came up that pushed you two apart. As you took a break, you began to find forgiveness, self confidence, inner stability… and then whammo, here’s a new agitating vision that gives you the chance to put to use the work you’ve been doing. The best lessons are often a little thorny, as are the best romances. How else would we stay awake? 🙂

J, and I mean this kindly like a bandaid pulled off quickly, you seem to be projecting your insecurities onto her, and she deserves better from her partner.

You two broke up, and she perhaps went looking for comfort. This is like having the music turned off in one house, and as she missed the song, and singing, she jumped toward another instead of grieving the loss of what she had. Very normal, usual, and has little to do with you. Perhaps if you were there, she would have gratefully accepted your comforting (and ideally, she could greatly benefit from self nurturing, finding comfort in her own tender care), but you weren’t there. In some ways, you failed her, left her alone and scrambling for tender attention. And now, internally, you’re acting like a moral judge, standing “above her”, pointing down on her actions as though you’re any better. But also, hopefully, seeing the hurt and jealous boy, with a nagging itch inside that says “perhaps this is my issue”.

That being said (sorry if it got stingy), its very natural to feel icky about what happened. Your tender heart is only beginning to grow confident in J the Man, and to have visions of her with others is understandably challenging. Consider pulling back from the “shock” of what she did, which keeps you on her side, judging, and instead ask yourself: Why do I feel so threatened? What fear is driving this painful feeling inside me? Love is tender and accepting, spacious, and does not produce the confusion you’re experiencing. That comes from some attachment or fear on your side. Consider: What prevents you from opening to her past, looking with curiosity to see if she learned anything from her experiences, and then using that information to make your life of love more skillful?

Said differently, you appear to be feeling like you never really broke up, and so hold negative feelings for her actions during the break. This is fine, but has to play both ways. Meaning, if in your heart you never broke up and consider her actions betrayal, then you must accept that you deeply betrayed her as well by leaving her alone in the cold for months. What did you think would happen? She’d just lock herself in a tower and wait for her prince to return? Do you realize how foolish and selfish that sounds? She’s a woman, with very real and unavoidable needs, and perfectly/imperfectly tending those needs, like you, me and everyone.

Finally, consider Big Blue’s suggestion of getting some professional help, perhaps even couple’s counseling if your heart is intent on working through it all. There are lots of signs of codependency, on both sides, and while that doesn’t doom the relationship, it does mean that there is work to do for you both. Together, and independently. Intimacy often, usually, collapses when the partners are “the whole world” to one another, and one another’s mistakes “large beasts of challenge”. Better, healthier, and sustainable when you both have your own worlds that you share together. Like for you: your self nurturing, self growth, and following your dreams (not including romantic dreams) fuels your happiness. For her: her self nurturing, self growth and following her dreams fuels her happiness. Then, you two share the happiness inside each of you with one another. Some counseling could help that balance grow, if you’re both interested.

Namaste, brother, may your gavel be replaced by a gentle scrub brush.

With warmth,
Matt

PS: Consider offering her an “honest reach”, translated into your own tongue of course. “I’m so sorry for judging your actions, dear princess, it has been painful to hear your stories, and my trust has bruised, pain clouding my vision of you and us. Will you help me find our safe space, where we can simply smile and dance under the stars? I wish to hear our song again, I miss it, you, us.” If you can’t find this thread inside you, then I can’t see how you’d be able to build something lasting. At least not yet/with her/with her yet.

Seems I’ve got the alternative opinion here. Take it with a grain of salt, but I’m going to be a bit harsh.

“I want it to work.. But I’m scared and turned off at the same time, I feel like what we had was ruined because she chose to touch other people..”

Let her go, dude. She deserves better than you.

And you deserve better than the tangled mess that will result from getting back with this girl. Go back to working on yourself. Because you have a whole lot more work to do, and you can’t do it with her. If you get back with her she’ll only reinforce your unhelpful attitudes and you’ll fall into the same patterns that made you unhappy in the first place. It’s very hard to have a genuinely new relationship with someone you’ve already been in a relationship with. And it doesn’t sound like either of you are up to the challenge.

Why is she crying about sleeping with these other guys? You dumped her! Or she dumped you, it’s not clear, but either way, she was free to sleep with as many guys as she damn well pleased. Why the hell are either of you sadfaced about this?

I can’t escape the impression that it’s because somebody else touched your toys. Because some twisted part of you thinks you owned her, even after you dumped her, and nobody else gets to touch her, and she’s not allowed to make her own decisions about that. Hey, it’s hard to find such ugly thoughts inside yourself, and I understand you’re confused by it. But it sure looks like that’s what’s going on here. You weren’t betrayed. Your idea of her being your special posession and yours alone was betrayed. The idea that you could put her down and pick her back up whenever you liked. And that idea was fucked up to start with.

She did nothing wrong. Your jealousy and your sense that she’s gone and ruined it by touching other people is irrational and unhelpful. You need to work on that jealousy, and on your attitude, and you can’t do it while you’re with her because she seems to suffer the same blind spots. Let her go, wish her well, keep working on you.