Hi Anita,

When we’ve talked about my concerns throughout the relationship (my feeling of uncertainty), she would say that it stems from my parents divorce and that whenever I’m uncomfortable, I want to run away. She said that our communication with each other is good, which it was very good, and that I am demonstrating an anxious attachment style.

I stopped going to her because I found that CBT for me was not the most effective style, as I tend to overthink and then me trying to rationalize my thoughts spirals until they become too big to rationalize. I am seeing a new therapist who practices Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) which I find has really helped with my anxiety, but I am having a hard time trusting and understanding what it is I am feeling, like in this instance.

VLC

I completely understand what you’re saying, and think that I have the tendency to reflect inward as opposed to what the other person is doing. So thank you for pointing that out to me.

As for his lack of affection, it would come in many forms. Physically, he would not be the one to hold my hand for long periods of time in public. When he would do it, it would be to make me happy and then be followed by a ‘joking’ comment such as “okay, that’s enough”. When we’d sit together on the couch, he’d be on one side and I’d be on the other, despite me mentioning that I am feeling distant and wanted to be close. I also felt as though our relationship lacked spontaneity – there would be no kisses or hugs just because. Sex, as I mentioned, was selfish and made me not even want to kiss and engage by the end of it.

Also, there was a lack of emotional intimacy that I felt. We didn’t really talk about our feelings for one another, because, and this may be a cultural thing, he just assumed that I would know how he felt. This was the same with marriage, moving in, children, etc.

In the small times we’ve spent together, he has made an effort to show these to me. I have been unable to kiss him more than a peck, and definitely have not been able to have sex because I feel emotionally closed off right now. When I talk to him about whether this is something that is sustainable for him, and not just something he is doing for me, he responds by saying that it is sustainable because he knows that if he ever went back to the way he was he’d lose me again.

Anita,

That had been the cycle throughout our relationship. Every 6 months or so I would bring up the issues, they would be resolved for a while, and then go back to normal. Each time, his response was that he was being lazy and not making an effort.

I guess the difficult part of leaving is missing all of the other great qualities that he has.

I have spoken to him before, and he said that his family was affectionate to him. They did not share feelings, but he says that he was the only one who rejected it. From my experience with his family, they are not very warm and affectionate. Again, this could be cultural.

It really hurts me to not believe him and give him another chance, but another part of me wants to begin something new. I am sad to lose such an important person in my life.