Dear Kaynah:

I think that part of you believes that he loves you. Every time he says he does, that belief in you gets stronger: he loves me! It is that strong belief that is keeping you hooked, stuck, not moving on. You wrote in your note to me: “Well maybe im not in love with him- but an idea of him?”- I think you are in love with the idea of him loving you.

You wrote in your post earlier: “I never had closure because he was never honest.”- it is as if you are waiting for him to tell you: “I love you and I am ready to be a family with you and only you (and child)!” OR-

“I do not love you, never will.”

So until he tells you this OR that (and follows through with behavior)- you cannot have closure. He may never tell you this or that. There may be a point when you figure it our yourself, which one it is: the first or the second.

Then, you will be able to have closure, even while co parenting!

anita

Dear Kaynah:

You are welcome. Post anytime you feel like it, as long as it is or may be helpful to you. You wrote above that you overthink- do you mean about whether he loves you or not? I wonder, if this is what you overthink, if you can- sometime- post your overthinking about it. Maybe I can help you to have more clarity and in so, think less… and less on this topic.

anita

Dear Kaynah:

When you overthink about the Why- why he doesn’t love you- it means you still want to find a way to make him love you. The (over)thinking is motivated by this quest: if I find out why he doesn’t love me, I will find a way to make him love me.

You are also thinking- are you not- something like: if he doesn’t love me, it means I am unlovable. The only way I can be lovable is if he loves me.

And so the power to make you lovable remains with him.

Thing is, the reason he doesn’t love you is not because you are unlovable. If you only knew this, deep inside, you wouldn’t be thinking why.

Back to the title of your thread: I sure hope you no longer allow you to string you along. He wouldn’t be able to string you along if you no longer hoped to make him love you, and/ or if you no longer saw him as your only hope to be loved by a man.

anita

Dear kaynah:

It is a delight to get your update exactly a month after your last post. I know you have made much progress in your healing since last month because you wrote: “It still hurt, but it feels like a different kind of hurt now”-

This is what I experience in my healing, a different kind of hurt. So I recognize this as healing.

I think the hurt before came out of DELUSION, distorted thinking:
1. You can make him love you, if only… if you wait, try to understand him, etc.
2. You are unlovable unless he loves you; he is your only hope.
3. You are stuck until he tells you: I love you (& follow through with behavior) or he tells you I don’t love you.

The present hurt, I think, is about REALITY, knowing that you wasted your time and energy in an unloving man, that your hope is not with him, that there is no point in waiting for him (#3). There is pain in knowing reality.

The difference between the first hurt and the second, is that the first keeps you unwell, dysfunctional and the second carries the hope and promise of healing and leading a functional, successful life.

Hope you post again. And you are welcome.

anita