Isabella,

Since it makes you uncomfortable, then don’t you think that it would be uncomfortable for all of you if you went walking with them? If they are used to talking about things that are private, then it wouldn’t be that possible to do that if there was another person present who would have a problem with the friendship. They have a history and a connection, which enables them to share thoughts that they might not be able to share with other people. I can understand being jealous over such a connection, but would you really want to deny such a thing for other people?

I personally don’t understand what the problem would be, since I’m the kind of person who tends to stay friends with exes and have several male friends. I know that it’s not natural for some other people and they assume that something has to be going on. It’s just a difference in personalities. I’m also a person who’s social, but it doesn’t mean that I wish to spend time with people who clearly do not like me or think that I’m up to something. It’s not going to create a very nice atmosphere.

Hello Isabella,

You have received two responses that did not understand your feelings however I do. Its pretty hard to accept your boyfriend spending time with another women . Even more difficult when this woman is someone who once held his heart and in some ways still does. Its best to have a serious conversation with him regarding your security. If he cares for you he should be willing to compromise. Limit his time with her.

@The Ruminant, I think what Angela meant was if he cares, he will be respectful of her insecurity, being respectful can come in many forms and doesnt have to be all or nothing type of deal. However this does or should not let her off the hook of dealing with them herself. I think such a statement would serve to only hurt the situation as the matter in question isnt something that is out right hurtful to the relationship, as if he were drinking and driving. I think such a statement would be appropriate in that situation.

As far as communication, I think most people will guard what is said for fear of how it will be reacted to. When this occurs communication isnt really happening. Good advice about being honest and clear and understandable

I would find this very disturbing and unsettling to start.Relationships do not have three legs.I believe that the inconsideration is coming from your BF’s GF. She needs to find someone else to hang out with as clearly she is crossing a boundary which most people would decently respect.

i would suggest this to her in a simple way, ask her if she has anyone she is interested in or introduce her to some of your male friends.This will both indicate to her that you are not comfortable with her around your BF as well as illustrate to your BF that it is inappropriate for him not to be sharing aspects of himself with you if he is in a relationship with you.Clarity is important and if he values you then you will see a change, if not then you should interrupt them more often to break up the cycle a bit.This is very unpleasant for you and you should make that clear.If there is respect, there will be a positive change

Isabella,
I can relate to your situation. I dated a man who was “best friends” with his ex-girlfriend and it bothered me, a lot. I realize there was insecurity on my part and maybe that insecurity wouldn’t have been as pronounced if I didn’t have other issues/doubts within the relationship. That said, I think it all depends on what expectations you have for a romantic relationship. Some people would be ok with it and some people would not. I don’t think there’s a right or a wrong, except in the sense that you have to feel comfortable and trusting in a relationship no matter what the circumstances. If his friendship with her doesn’t work for you, that’s ok, but you may need to remove yourself from the relationship. For me, I would hope that my partner and I would be “best friends”. The emotional intimacy is as (or more) important to me as the physical intimacy. My view is that my partner should not be as emotionally intimate with another person as he is with me. Otherwise what makes our relationship special aside from the physical aspects?

I am happy if you are able to reach a compromise with your boyfriend, but tread lightly. If you try to control the situation, it may lead to resentment and rebellion. I think what you’re asking for seems reasonable, but at the same time, is it really a mathematical formula? By that I mean, if he only emails her two times a week instead of five, does that really make a difference in the quality or character of their relationship? Does it make you feel better? My personal opinion is that getting together 4 times a year is really not all that much, however if they are emailing nearly daily I would have some heartburn about that.

I agree with what The Ruminant said – your approach in discussing this could make all the difference. If you come at it by dictating terms of his friendship (only 2 emails per week, 3 of the 4 meetings have to include me, etc.) you might have less success than if you talk more about your feelings. I think it’s a good sign that he is trying to arrange a meetup with the four of you.

To me DUI is an enormous deal breaker. Its one thing if the person got one when they were young, which such a poor choice could occur due to immaturity. However, for an adult the choice to drive intoxicated signals to me a complete lack of respect or care to not only themselves, to those they care about and who care about them. Not to mention the completely innocent people on the street who’s lives they are putting at risk. To me it is a sign of a complete lack of accountability, responsibility, control and awareness.

Trust is fundamental but some people do not have the capability to be trusting, not so much someone has shown themselves unworthy of trust. If you are one who consistently is distrustful or weary of females in this mans life, you may need to reflect on what that says about you.

Ive trusted everyone I have ever dated, and to the unhealthy extent of justifying and ignoring red flags in the pursuit of unwavering trusting. Its not so much even something that I have to convince myself to trust. I just do, because I understand its a prerequisite, to love. Insecurity is the largest hurdle to trust. I believe its not so much trusting them as it is a lack of trust in ourselves. To feel comfortable in being vulnerable enough to let this person in, because maybe our trust has been broken in the past.

However this insecurity doesn’t absolve someone we care about to being understanding and sensitive. They are making a choice to be in this with someone who has some issues, and needs to take extra steps to do their part. However the work to make it better must come from both sides. If he is attempting to calm down some behaviors that trigger insecurities than your willingness to own the issues within yourself and work on them must also be present.