So a while back, in November, I kind of had a crush on this boy (we’ll call him Andy). I was happy with the relationship we had, because he was the funniest person I knew, and he always made me laugh, and I always made him laugh. So I told my “friend” (we’ll call her Kendall) that I liked him, and the day after, she’d constantly talk to him, and he pretty much forgot about me. It honestly felt like he was removing me from his life, which really hurt because we had grown to be such good friends. So out of anger and sadness, I purposefully grew away from both him and Kendall, and eventually he noticed. When he asked why, and I told him, he acted like he felt bad about it (I’m not sure if he actually did). He promised to change, and I was happy with that; we continued on being friends.

Basically, that change lasted a week, a week and a half at the most, then it was back to the usual; me being ignored, me crying myself to sleep, me blaming myself for not being enough for him. At this point, I no longed had a crush on Andy, but I really, really missed the friendship. Then one day, he asked to be “bestest friends”, and I was very confused at first. Stupidly, I said okay. This is the most mind bending thing I’ve ever experienced, because he’d say how much he cares about me, then totally disregard me for Kendall. I’d had enough, and told him that. He apologized, and it was “I love you so so so much” and “I feel so empty and alone without you”. At first I thought it was sweet (although now I realize it was likely just an act). He said he knew what he had to change, and was more than willing to change. Stupidly, I forgave him, and we became bestest friends again. Life was good for about a month, and I felt like I had found true happiness. Just on February 28, less than three weeks ago, I asked to just be good friends. Lately, we’d been getting angry at each other a lot, and over-thinking everything we said to each other. This time, there was no apology, there was no sweet talking or false acts. He got so, so angry, unlike any anger I’ve ever seen him possess, and he just became this monster that was trying to hurt me and make me feel bad about everything. He went on a reckless path, blaming me for everything that’d happened, saying it was all in my head, and that I feed off of drama (I don’t, I actually seek harmony). I controlled myself, and said nothing rude or upsetting to him. That week, I cried more than I ever have in my entire life. I felt so awful, because at that point, we weren’t even friends anymore, due to the messy “break-up”. I felt so empty, and like I’d just done the most stupid thing in my entire life.

But I didn’t, I’ve come to find. I realize that over that six month period, I changed my entire being for him. And, I realize that I can’t find myself again. I look at pictures of me last year and things I said last year, and both things make me wonder if I am the same person as I was. My questions are: How can I find myself again, how do I get over it, how do I stop caring if he and Kendall talk a lot (because I still get jealous), and does it seem like what I did was the right thing to do?

thank you so much,
Jenna