Ex being friendly

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This topic has 39 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 6 months ago by Anonymous.

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September 6, 2017 at 3:25 pm #167508

PearceHawk
Participant

Connie it boggles my mind how people say “we can be friends” after a nasty breakup. But for those that can, I salute them. I do not thin there would be bad reactions on his behalf if you did call, but I would give it a few days, let your mind clear and soul be calm.

September 7, 2017 at 9:38 am #167696

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Connie:

You asked your ex if it would be okay with him to keep your belongings in your place until you settle. An accurate answer would have been “yes’ and maybe with a time limit: “yes, you can leave your stuff here for a month or two” or “for as long as you need to, as they are not in my way”-

His answer though was: ““anything you need, as always”- not accurate, not true. At first it made you feel good but later on the untruth of it hit you. His answer was not malicious in intent, of course. He meant to appear friendly to you, to communicate some kind of a positive feeling to you. But it is not true.

People say a whole lot of untrue things. This is why it exhausts me sometimes, talking to people. Too much of what people say is untrue, feel-good stuff. I prefer accuracy, truth.

anita

September 7, 2017 at 8:43 pm #167796

Connie
Participant

Hello Anita

I think you are right. A simple answer like “Yes”, “No problem”, etc. will serve the purpose.

Before I left the country and we broke up, we talked about how to take care of my stuff when I am gone. He would constantly say “Anything you want, baby. Just let me know what you want.”

That’s why his response this time hit me so hard. “Anything you need, as always” comes with some lingering feelings from my perspective. Honestly, it creates a glimpse of hope as I have been trying so hard to let go completely.

I finally understand why most people suggest NC.

September 8, 2017 at 6:07 am #167836

Eliana
Participant

Hi Connie,

I had an ex, that would keep telling me this. “Yes, anything for you baby, whatever you need, I am always here”. My response? “”Where were you in our relationship?” He got real silent. I love karma.

September 8, 2017 at 6:22 am #167846

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Connie:

When I replied to you yesterday I didn’t connect this new thread to the one before it where we recently communicated about your new awareness that your ex boyfriend was a habitual liar, one who lied a lot and with elaborate details added to some of his lies.

It doesn’t mean that your stuff in his place is unsafe, as habitual liars do not lie all the time. Sometimes they do and at other times they don’t. And as I wrote to you on the other thread, him being a habitual liar, does not mean he didn’t have loving feelings for you. It is just that you can never know for sure if what he says is true, or not.

I hope that your next love relationship will be with an honest man, so you don’t have to guess at any one time if he is telling the truth, or not. I hope that… your “glimpse of hope” evaporates every time you think to yourself how frustrating it would be to have a lifetime with a man who habitually lies.

anita

September 14, 2017 at 9:01 am #168652

Connie
Participant

Hello Eliana and Anita

Thank you very much for your feedback, I agree with karma. It’s interesting to see how the tables turn. I wonder if it would ever happen to us.

I am experiencing PMS now and it’s really messing my mind up. Thoughts, emotions, and feelings are all over my head. They lead me to the hope of getting back together with my ex, they remind me of good times we once had, and they also lead me to doubts, desperation, depression and anger.

Fortunately, I can start seeing things better than I used to. One of the reasons why I wasn’t happy with my ex was the fact that he criticized a lot. I never heard him giving compliments to anyone but me and himself. He would constantly talk about how disgusting the food was when we ate out, how people tried to take advantage of him, how people created drama for him, how fake and talkative people were when all they did was being nice/polite to him, how bitchy his exs were, how good he was but never got appreciated, etc.

He didn’t seem to trust anyone. I don’t think he’s a happy person and am feeling kinda sad for him just by thinking about this. Sometimes my friends would invite me and him to different occasions, he would either go with me and have a lot of complaints afterwards, or name all kinds of reasons (usually negative) to talk me into changing my mind to cancel the plan in the last minute.

I believe his still has kindness and a good heart, but somehow they are buried too deep. It feels like there’s a tough shield all around a kind and playful little boy. He was so difficult to reach, because I could tell how he escaped from it when the conversation got too deep. I loved him a lot but never really tried to help him because I myself was also afraid of getting hurt by his rejections. And that’s my regret – not being able to help the person I loved.

I miss him so much and really hope that he finds his own peace within and gets to trust people again.

September 14, 2017 at 9:54 am #168658

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Connie:

That “kind and playful little boy” inside your ex boyfriend does have “kindness and a good heart”. But that that little boy is “buried too deep”, to deep for you to uncover. Sometimes you saw that little boy in his eyes, didn’t you? Heard him in his voice, felt him and you wanted to “help the person (you) loved”.

It was not possible for you and if you got back with him, it would still not be possible for you. You would get glimpses of the little boy but too soon, that little boy will be gone and you are left with the adult, angry, bitter.

anita

September 17, 2017 at 9:00 am #169012

Connie
Participant

For some reason I do not want to lose the line of communication with my ex.

His birthday is around the corner and I am thinking about emailing him happy birthday.

I consulted some of my friends already and they all suggested that I save myself some diginity and just walk away, which is understandable. Wishing him happy birthday is more like telling him I still care about him. I do still care about him and just want to be nice to him. However, since we are broken up and I, to be honest, still hold the unrealistic hope of getting back to him, sticking to NC is probably better in the long run?

Not sure what to do… I just miss him a lot I guess..

September 17, 2017 at 10:12 am #169020

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Connie:

I understand: you miss him.

I don’t perceive you contacting him, wishing him a happy birthday, as losing your dignity, or not contacting him equivalent to gaining your dignity. I don’t think it matters much whether you contact him or not. He is still who he is and the circumstances of your life are still what they are, happy birthday wishing or not.

anita

September 24, 2017 at 1:54 pm #170039
Connie
Participant
It’s been three months since we broke up. Almost 20 days into NC.

Its getting easier and harder. Easier because I am calmer and started being seeing things with my logical head which gives me the answer to what went wrong in our relationship. Harder because the idea of US is getting further and further behind each day.

I know everything: time heals, I will grow, and we probably will find love with someone else again. But I hate the fact that we are not together anymore and that I still love you so much after knowing we are not compatible. I miss you so much that it hurts me just to think of you. I still wake up in the middle of night crying over the loss of you. Every thing still reminds me of you. I wish so much you could come back and work on things with me again. I thought we’d always love each other.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 7 months ago by Connie.
September 25, 2017 at 8:42 am #170153

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Connie:

Congratulations for making it to 20 days of no contact, for seeing things clearer rationally and for feeling calmer, as a result of clear thinking, I believe.

anita

September 28, 2017 at 6:08 pm #170857
Connie
Participant
I have made NC into week 3. Neither of us has attempted to reach out.

Sometimes I miss him terribly, thinking what it would be like if he talked to me again. Sometimes I acknowledge myself for being so brave and strong and truly realize it was an unhealthy relationship which I shouldn’t have settled myself in. Other times I wonder if he has already moved on, perhaps he’s already dating again? Does he ever miss me?

The breakup crashed me completely, but I have learned to know myself better and the pain actually has strengthened me in so many aspects. I learned to forgive myself and let go of things which used to push me to the edge of breakdown.

I believe everything happens for a reason. His existence in my life is to help mature myself. I am great full to ever have him in my life.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Connie.
September 29, 2017 at 4:34 am #170881

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Connie:

It is a good thing, you getting to know yourself better, forgiving yourself, letting go of things, getting stronger.

anita

September 30, 2017 at 4:40 pm #171091

Connie
Participant

I had a dream yesterday:

He finally texted me and said he found his true love. He also sent me pictures of him and his new girlfriend. I was peaceful in the beginning, but he kept telling me things until I finally had enough!

Then i woke up and realized it was just a dream. Ironically, I closed my eyes trying to fall asleep and keep dreaming because I missed talking to him, even though the conversation was so unpleasant.

I still miss him a lot everyday. I don’t know what the dream means. Maybe I still can’t let go completely?

October 1, 2017 at 6:39 am #171115

Eliana
Participant

Hi Connie,

You will have dreams like this, it is natural. I have had several sad and vivid dreams of my ex’s, even 6-8 months after a break up. It always takes me a very long time to get over someone due to early childhood abandonment issues. The dreams are crazy. One was where I was missing him, I saw him out with a girl at a bar, and I followed them into the bar. Please know this is not something I would ever do in person. I even made a fool of myself by going up to him and talking to him in front of his girlfriend. His friends and girlfriends were snickering at me. One of his friends said “I feel sorry for her”. Ouch. But it didn’t stop. I followed them again, this time crying in my dream wanting him back terribly. I did not go in the bar, I just wanted to look at him. He saw me and came out and yelled at me. I begged him to go to beach with me, to our favorite place where we would have bonfires. He got nasty and yelled “move on already!” I woke up startled and crying.

Another dream was of this guy who worked on construction. There was a house he was helping to build. It was a large house and took several months to complete. I dreamed that I went to see him, and he was so happy to see me, and we talked, curled up together, he told he he still loved me, but we couldn’t be together and he wanted me to “move on” and be happy. I remember crying, and he was caressing my face. When I woke up, he was gone. Again, I started to cry, the dream was so sad and vivid. I had a therapist tell me dreams are sometimes our subconscious, of our past, our childhoods, reliving sadness, rejection and abandonment.
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