My ex and I broke up 6 months ago and yet I feel we are still just as connected as ever. We were together 3.5 years and he broke my heart to go to dental school because he was too afraid to try long distance and/or wanted to end it in case things got bad and complicated. It was hard, because while he was pretty selfish through out our relationship, we also worked as a great team and had an extremely close bond. Part of me feels as if we’re meant to be but he’s just too immature to know how to treat me (even though I am probably too immature as well).

So, my point is we didn’t break up from a huge fall out. It wasn’t a toxic relationship. We were very happy. It all kind of comes back to timing. Which is what makes it so painful. I hate to say it, but it’s easier to hate your ex when they’ve done you terribly wrong. It’s easier to be angry than it is to be sad. I struggle a lot because I do feel abandoned and I do think he should have put in the effort to treat me better, but I also understand that he really might just not have had the capacity to love that he wanted to give me and that I needed.

With that said, he and I bonded heavily over music. It’s nearly what brought us together in the beginning. We’d broken up a couple times in the past, and when we did, he would go “Like” a bunch of songs on SoundCloud that had all these sad titles, or sad lyrics, or both. Typically SoundCloud is for electronic music so for him to go find and like a bunch of traditional heartbreak songs was sending out a message to me. When we got back together, he admitted he was doing that to get my attention.

I also have a blog that he knows about. I know he checks it. Last year when we broke up he’d call me because he’d be upset if I wrote thing about him on there. I’ve grown from that now, I realize it’s immature and petty. My blog truly is a venting place for me but some things are better kept personal. I write on it to get things off my chest but they aren’t as detailed, and I often delete the posts soon after. Sometimes I write things that I know he’ll see.

Fast forward to this year. We’ve been broken up 6 months, and he still is “liking” all these sad songs. One’s like “I’m Still In Love With You”, “Don’t Go” “Don’t Leave”… all sorts of stuff like that. I know he’s doing it to send a message to me. I also implemented a tracker in my blog that tells me where in the world people visit. I have a decent amount of followers and this is typically a normal thing to do on these blog sites, but I added it just to see how often he checks. He checks multiple times a day every day.

At first these signs of attention from him were comforting. They made me feel connected to him. We don’t speak so this is the way we communicate. We are still so in love with each other. But this has begun to make me literally depressed. I’ve gained weight, lost passion in life, and generally feel sad. All because I’m checking his SoundCloud and my blog tracker every day, waiting for the next message. It’s been 6 months and yet I still feel like he’s still mine. It’s keeping me from moving on with my life. I’m stuck in the past.

Today I removed the blog tracker from my blog. If I know anything, he’s still going to be checking. And maybe over time he won’t be. But at least I wont have to feel the sting on the first day he doesn’t look. I’m going to try to stop looking at his SoundCloud too.

It’s hard, because I know we’re so in love with each other and timing of life is keeping us apart. But part of me is frustrated, because I feel that if he really wanted it he would have made it happen. Love is work and commitment, and things got too hard and he got too scared and he let me go. Part of me feels like he only wants me now because he can’t have me. I’m wondering if he only wants me and doesn’t truly value me. I’ve made myself so sad just waiting for him to say something. He knows that I see the sad songs. We are indirectly communicating through music and social media, like some weird twisted 21st century love story.

The hard part is that he left me, he let go. I am destroying my own life holding out for someone who couldn’t hold on to me. I almost feel like he’s making the same amount of effort now that we’re broken up liking all these songs and checking my blog than it would have been to send me a simple text if we were doing long distance. It’s like, oh NOW you care?

I’m not sure what I’m looking for here, just some words of encouragement or if anyone has been through a similar situation? How did you handle it?

Thank You
xx

• This topic was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by sadpeach.