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March 4, 2016 at 1:59 am #97970
TréParticipantI often wonder what’s wrong with me, will I ever experience love? The “cloud nine-butterflies in my stomach-doe eyed-tongue tied” love. I’m 38 years old and am in my first adult relationship. I have a 19 year old son whom I raised alone making the conscious decision not to date. When I turned 34 years old I began to step out into the dating world. A few men I have dated, for no length of time, expressed feelings of deep longing for me, feelings of elation by my mere presence, calming feelings induced by my energy and a completeness formed by our relationship. I have yet to feel any of this emotional poetry imbibed by another person. I love the only way I know how with all of my being. I give 1000% in everything I do and yet I feel empty. I hear my boyfriend express his love for me and I ask myself why don’t I feel the same way about him. I love him…all his imperfectly perfect human condition, his humor, his eyes, his optimism, on and on. Though he expresses the depths of the ocean my voice is silenced as the ocean rages inside me. I have a problem with feeling feelings…emotions paralyze me. I can communicate anything except how I feel as if I have no right to feel so I lock it away. I can never seem good enough yet I know I can do anything because I have overcome great obstacles in my life. I find myself in a quandary, at another crossroads and incapable of mastering my silent rage.
March 4, 2016 at 2:17 am #97973
AnonymousInactiveHi Tre,
You are good enough. You just need to give yourself the chance to truly believe it in yourself too.
“I love him…all his imperfectly perfect human condition, his humor, his eyes, his optimism, on and on.”
That sentence right there you wrote, already says you love him deeply, which is EXCELLENT and a good sign of you expressing your feelings. Let your emotions come out, they are begging you too and continuing to suppress your feelings will make it worse, your fears, your anxiety. Set yourself free and just be. The rest will follow, it will flow naturally. <3
And YES, you in fact can do ANYTHING you set your mind to. 🙂
If you need to rage and get it all out somehow, then rage and get it all out somewhere you feel safe and have the privacy you need to do so.
Sleep well, you are already LOVING this special someone. So you are on the right path so far, just don’t be afraid to open up. As people are willing to love and accept you with open arms, just the way you are. 🙂
M.
March 4, 2016 at 8:30 am #97986AnonymousGuestDear Tre:
I would like to get deeper into what your post is about, communicating with you back and forth about it. In that aim, my question is: what is your rage about, that deep anger?
The rage that you silence… I am not surprised you don’t feel much excitement and other tender feelings… because if you silence your rage, it means you silence all emotions (the silencing of one emotion cannot be specific to only that emotion, it silences them all… except for fear)
anita
March 4, 2016 at 2:58 pm #98030TréParticipantI have no answer because I do not know. Perhaps, I continuously feed this rage as routinely as I breathe. I cannot remember a time when it’s undercurrent was not present. I find myself locking doors in my mind without a second thought anymore. I have so few memories of my life…good or bad. I think that’s why I obsessively photograph everything, capturing moments in time through a lense…tangible evidence my mind can’t ignore. Anger rides shot gun always quick to respond no matter the circumstances to guard all the dark places in my head.
March 4, 2016 at 3:01 pm #98031TréParticipantThank you. I do find it difficult to love myself. I’m not sure why…logically, I know I’m worth it yet I face this insurmountable wall of relentless self-doubt.
March 4, 2016 at 3:55 pm #98035AnonymousGuestDear Tre:
Did you ever attend psychotherapy?
Did you examine your childhood for the wounds there, wounds that are still raw and bleeding in the present?
anita
March 4, 2016 at 7:27 pm #98040TréParticipantNo, I have not.
March 4, 2016 at 7:35 pm #98042AnonymousGuestDear Tre:
is there a way for you to see a psychotherapist?
anitaMarch 4, 2016 at 8:22 pm #98047TréParticipantI do have good insurance, I’ll look into it.
March 4, 2016 at 8:23 pm #98048AnonymousGuestDear Tre:
Good. Please do. A competent, caring, hard working psychotherapist can do wonders for you! You will be amazed!
Please post again.
anita
March 4, 2016 at 8:45 pm #98050TréParticipantDear Anita,
Thank you for your compassion and suggestion.
March 4, 2016 at 8:57 pm #98051AnonymousGuestYou are welcome, Tre! I would love to read if you find therapy and how it goes.
anitaApril 18, 2016 at 10:38 pm #102196TréParticipantAnita,
After my recent thirteen day stay in a psychiatric hospital, I have been attending an Intensive Outpatient Program utilizing mostly Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT). One of the therapists wants to work with me using Trauma Focused CBT. It’s been frightening and I know I have much work to do still but I have learned a lot. A key component in the class is Power = Choice…I sometimes forget I have choices. I have also started attending a codependency support group as well as, a domestic violence support group. I just wanted to give you an update of my journey. Thanks again.
Tré
April 19, 2016 at 7:41 am #102212AnonymousGuestDear Tre:
Good job at getting help. I am very familiar with CBT. It will be a process to integrate the emotions you blocked from your awareness, figure out what this silent rage is about. Obviously you were very hurt as a child. I would be curious to read anything about your therapy you are willing to share, discoveries, feelings…
Thank you for the update and take good care of yourself:
anita
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