- This topic has 5 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 4 months ago by
Wanderlust16.
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November 2, 2017 at 1:53 pm #176291
QuirineParticipantHello dear friends,
It is not the first time I am posting here but it is really helpful and relieving for me to write and share my thoughts with like-minded people.
I am 25 y.o. from Southern Europe and the past year I ve been living in Amsterdam. Recently I got accepted into a really good job, none of my coursemates has a good job yet and even for me it was a big struggle to compete local and get such a great job- so in the end good job right? From the outside my life looks very nice. Perfect job and income at a young age, a big circle of friends, great house and travels every now and then. However I find myself very negative and desperate lately so I need your opinion or tips 🙂 I cant imagine myself being happy here no matter how many things I achieved here.
The thing is the 2 years ago I lived in Spain for a short period and I always recall my time there. It was just the perfect conditions for me, even though that period was without many responsibilities. I was working at a Youth center, learning the language, meeting new people the whole time, exploring the local culture- the definition of a bohemian life. I ve never been so happy ever before or after.
My life here instead is not as exciting. All my friends are still studying and even though I am very outgoing I find it very difficult to meet and hang out with new people. I feel that my circle is full of people busy the hours I am free so I end up doing things on my own- Yoga, Travel, Meditate, read, cook. Things I used to do with others before, rather I didnt mind doing them alone. But now I do really mind and it really bothers me to not really have an option. I find myself very negative, I judge others a lot lately with regards to how they do their own thing…for example that my flatmate is boring because he never gets out of his room or someone else that is cheating on her boyfriend. I know it is none of my business and even worse I know that this is personal issues that I cant deal with and I project them onto others.
My obsession about moving back to Spain has been reinforced the past months after a breakup I had with a girl. the last year i made 3 attempts with three different people to have a relationship with – but all 3 failed and it was me to break up with them. I recognize that this emotional gap is another boost for my decision and my therapist implies that moving to another country will not solve my emotional/ relationship issues- I agree. But for the rest, I feel so much myself when I m in Spain like last week- I burst into tears as soon as I arrived after 2 years being away. Met my friends there, met my previous life and it so much felt like home for me. If I could describe paradise that is the place for me. I am aware that things changed also there but my feelings and self-esteem were reactivated.
It is so sad to keep thinking every day to quit my life here- leave everything I built in the last year and just move back and start from scratch. Even at work I look for job opportunities in Spain. I cannot escape from negative thinking about everything- I believe that lately I dont even like my friends here, I am so touchy and hotheaded the whole time. In the end I know that I dont like myself lately and that reflects also to my surroundings. Every 2 weekends I am travelling to just escape but in the end I come back. I dont know if its a matter of culture that I cant integrate into this society but I am feeling like a odd duck.
The other think I noticed is that for me it’s impossible to be with the same person for more than 3 days- I know that we all have our own limits and we all need our personal space and time- but even with my best friend cant I stand being for longer that 3 days. I cant imagine going on vacation with a partner. It may sound so chaotic that I threw so much information but I honestly do not know where to start. Is it a logical assumption that I need my personal time after a while? So much contact makes me see/ realize things I dont like about friends, if for example they take forever to get prepared to go out or other silly and small things that however might make me irritated. Another example is that I cant stand expecting a text message from someone in the case I am waiting for a response, this has been an issue for me in relationships but now it moved also to other social circles, even with friends.
Do you think that moving to Spain could help or you think it is a form of escaping for a while and soon I will start feeling the same? Thank you all for reading insofar , I appreciate this!
November 3, 2017 at 7:17 am #176375
AnonymousGuestDear Quirine:
Welcome back. I think you should live where you can have these three things:
1. Not living with your parents.
2. Effective psychotherapy.
3. Finances for your basic needs.
You are distressed where you are at. Naturally, your brain is looking for a place where it can rest, where it can feel that euphoria it is looking for. And it found it in Spain. Can that euphoria be maintained if you moved to Spain? No.
Different locations have their advantages and disadvantages, such as weather, economical conditions and so forth. But none has the advantage of resolving childhood distress.
It is my understanding, from your previous threads, that your relationship with your father is still, and understandably so, hurting you. It is that relationship, not the relationship now, but the one that was that needs to be addressed seriously. It may be necessary that you have no contact with him during the time that the relationship is addressed in therapy.
anita
November 4, 2017 at 6:18 pm #176515
Wanderlust16ParticipantHi Quirine,
I used to travel to run away from boredom, work and failed relationships. I’d work and then run away by traveling for a few weeks. That was my pattern for years and then I realized that I was just running away to avoid dealing with the real issues. Being away did not address the underlying problems and I’d feel the same or more unhappy once I’m back to my normal life. I was not necessarily happier in Europe or wherever I was. It was just temporary distraction to a permanent problem. When I realized this, I started working on myself. I still travel often but not for the same reasons I did before. Once I understood myself better and found inner peace, it has been a lot easier for me to see others point of views and more forgiving of others. It has been very healing. I hope you find your inner peace. “Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without” Buddha
November 5, 2017 at 12:14 pm #176591QuirineParticipantWonderlust16 and Anita, thank you for getting back to me. It is eye opening to hear from others that moving is just a form of escaping and there is much more to it, I will def take it into account. @Anita, indeed, dysphoria is what describes my state of mind lately. Like the whole day even, thanks for giving a hint of how to approach it.
@Wanderlust16 thanks for sharing your personal experience. I am wondering though what it technically means to actually “work on myself, understand my self better and find inner peace”. I thought I ve been working on that the past 2 years, but at the moment I feel more than lost. Or maybe at the point that I am getting to know my worst self. Recognizing all my negative patterns and really disliking who I am. I guess that’s a part of the process but can you share what you actually did and how long did it take you approx? Do you see actual difference in your daily life?November 6, 2017 at 3:43 am #176629AnonymousGuestDear Quirine:
You are welcome.
In your original post you wrote: “From the outside my life looks very nice. Perfect job and income at a young age, a big circle of friends, great house and travels..”
The dysphoria, the unease and dissatisfaction in your life, is about you being on the outside of your life, I am thinking. Getting inside your life means being more present and aware of your life, being involved in your present life in a new way, a Mindful way. Noticing things you didn’t notice before, looking at things from angles you didn’t consider before.
anita
November 6, 2017 at 6:07 pm #176777Wanderlust16ParticipantHi Quirine,
I have learned to let go of the things and situations that I have no control of. I try not to let other people’s bad behaviors bother me and if I have wronged them, I apologize. I try not to go to bed angry at my loved ones. I’ve learned to enjoy the moment and try not to think too much of the future. I noticed that when focus in the ‘present’ I feel much more at peace. I don’t compared myself to my peers or surrender to societal expectations. I exercise daily because that is very good for the body, mind and well being. When I look good I feel good. I pay attention to my diet because certain foods make me tired and not feel so great. I actively make my dreams come true – basically living like today is my last. This way if something happens to me I’ll not regret have any regrets. Overtime I realized that the only person that is capable of making me happy is me. A companion would enhance my happiness but I shouldn’t rely upon him as my only source of happiness. Understanding this helps me deal with disappointments better. It was a very long journey for me to get to where I’m today. I still have a lot of work ahead.
You can start off small. Each morning do a few minutes of exercise to get your heart rate going. I guarantee you’ll forget about your woes for a while. Or write down a few things that you’re grateful for each day. Set the tone of how your day is going to be. If you decide it’ll be a great day, it’ll be a great day but if you want to have a sh*tty day you will find enough negative things to ruin your day. I believe 50% of our happiness is determined by our genetics and the other 50% we have control over. I hope this helps.
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